Sometimes all we need
is silence in our head
and the sound of rain

there were tears,
many, they
flowed regularly
from
porcelain bowls
down drains
I'd hoped
would separate
the pain, cleanse
them, make them
water again,
free to roam
amongst
their own in salt
lake streams, banks
bursting at
the seams with
ripe green,
so different to here
where all they've
ever known was
fear, housed behind
eyes, between ears,
counting each
shallow breath
like they were
anticipating
their death.

reflectively i
      opened &
closed
                regularly,
i was
petals blushed
        in the
height of
summer & a
           frostbitten
bud
in the throes of
winter, except this
                year
   the sky not
grey brought
a heat everyone
              could feel 
except me,
i waited
for an
          opening that
didn't come,
                  a flower
refusing to yield
to sun,
                limbs
staying firmly
crossed, lost in a
place where
             nothing
warm survives
for long.

when my time comes
it comes
and I will gladly leave
to those who go on living
the task of sorting out
the mess I have accumulated
over years

let them discover
not only the stamp collection
the bank accounts
but also unknown niches
of their father’s/friend’s/husband’s life
the words unspoken
scribbled on some paper
thoughts never shared
for lack of time or opportunity
the letters to a friend of yore
emails to many people
hints of potential
love affairs that maybe never happened
ideas to change the world
into a better place

here I am
  now with a 7 before my years
envisioning life after death

a sign of vanity
perhaps
or an expression of despair

I am not sure

it may just be
the fleeting thoughts
on a clear winter evening
when cold creeps slowly
but insistently
into your bones

reminding you

   of all that cold space
   in our universe
   how it grows larger by the second

making you wonder
if it has a plan
and if that plan
includes you
speculating
about your destiny

        * *

patterns pressed
in old vinyl
needle-scratched
pop and crackle
background noise
just genetic ambiance
old as the blues
smoky aftertaste
blessing     curse
lost fortune
lured fate
lessons earned
the hard way

long playing
at 33 1/3 rpm
I'm humming
no resistance
my will altered
I submit
to inevitable vacillation
accept ambiguity
as sweet song
lyrics unknown
an uneven melody
I can't deny
or disown

I can fix the
time & place,
narrow it
down to a
precise date
& I could accept
a replica, but
this was remote, a
pulse is
found & yet
a glitch betrays it;
a memory of a
house, a record
playing on
repeat, a young girl
dancing at the
top of a street.

they say it
disappeared
years ago,
replaced
by steel, brick,
black tar roads
& yet
adrenaline still
flows
beneath the
surface of skin,
prey prepares
for a war it cannot
win &
I can't decide
if it was harder
then or now,
if the girl
fixing her hair
in the mirror
is a predator
or friend I'd
invite to
dinner.

there are
names we
do not say,  
they form
pockets,
places the
rain has to
move to
get around.
a note that
when struck
is as
resonant
as the wolf,
whose howl
breaks the
sea, carves
the name
through
you & me.

as a child the
woods
at dusk seemed
to have a way of
snaking
past five, six,
seven, eight
o'clock
    & despite
the stomachs hollow
ache we stayed
   safe inside
barbed
wire & wet moss
filled with
     days old raindrops
but every
good thing stops,  
it happened
      slowly,
the world coaxed
me, I turned
        round &
noticed the
stirrings
     of a town, your
hair
yellow as husks
     against a
wall of
slate & rocks
slipped

out of

focus.