D - Hello Poetry

Jul 2023

Ila

It’s 3 am and I miss the way yours arm wrap around me
The lat time we saw each other we cuddled and fell asleep
I go to bed now and miss the gentle, loving touches we shared
Why do you plague my memory this way when you aren’t even there?

And it saddens me that I won’t feel you any longer
You’re a distant memory of the past where our love will no longer foster
You plague me with the memory of your arms around me
Oh how I long to be held by you again, even just once more, to feel complete

(11/8/22; 3:04 am)

I hold myself to replace the feeling of you

#love #sad #memory #cuddles

Jul 2023

Ila

A Reminder of You

You know, I started smoking because of you.

The availability of the cigarettes you had on hand when I saw you
To be fair, when I was with you, you’d try your best to not smoke as I’d get dizzy
But somehow I always gave in
I asked for one while knowing this

You’re just an analogy to cigarettes
I know how bad you are for me
Yet when I see you I can’t but help to dive in again
Do it over and over again because as good as it feels it is so unhealthy for me

I do it over and over again and I know it’s unhealthy but it just feels so good

It’s toxic through and through
The smoke etched on my lungs
And I drown in you

Now every time I’m offered a cigarette I can’t help but think of you
I smoke them knowing they’re bad for me
But somehow it gives me a connection to you
Somehow smoking one makes me miss you
It makes me feel you again

And I hate it
Oh how I hate it
I know how bad it is for me — how toxic it is
But somehow I can’t stop

You’re just as bad for me as the cigarettes you once looked at me shocked by me asking for some

Smoke fills my lungs and you fill my heart

But as you keep coming back
As I will keep getting cigarette after cigarette
This feeling of self destruction is unfortunately never ending

And truly, how does one find a conclusion to something everlasting?

This pattern is circular. I stop and when I see you it starts again. I probably won’t ever cut you off. This pattern of self destruction will consume me, just as cigarettes take their victim

(12/24/22; 12:45 am)

Warning: Cigarette smoking is bad for your health

#cigarettes #smoke #heartbreak #memory #sad #love #addiction

Jul 2023

Ila

Self Destruction

I’m addicted to you
The very act of talking to you sends toxins through my brain
Some may call them oxytocin,
I call to poison

They say that talking to you sends an oxytocin rush to the brain,
The happy hormone
And with that I’m addicted.

Stuck with thoughts of you
A lasting memory coursing through my veins where you one ran through

Blood replaced by you

You sustain me

I don’t want to stop this addiction
It’s the only thing that keeps me living

It’s the finest act of self destruction
Choosing to get addicted to you

Knowing that I am and yet doing nothing to stop it

Breathing in the sweet toxins I’ve grown to love

You’ll be the death of me
As addiction takes its victim
So will you too

"Loving you was the greatest act of self destruction"

#selfdestruction #addiction #toxic #love #hate #bittersweet #memory

Jul 2023

Ila

*******

You tell me you miss me, yet you do nothing
You tell me you like me, yet you do nothing
You wanna kiss me, you wanna hug me, you wanna **** me

But the truth of the matter is that you left me
Remember I wasn’t the one who decided to go
You left us
You left me

******* and the way that I hate myself
For the feelings that I felt when you left me

Honestly, ******* and the way that I'm mad at you
For all the reasons and the ******* and the lies you told me

I know, I know.
It's not your fault that you have **** going on

It’s my fault that I'm mad,
Trying to look for a reason to not hate you as much as I do.
Trying to combat the feelings of missing you

And you tell me sweet nothings whispered into my ear
For you to only turn your back when I'm not there

And you tell me these lies like sweet honey pie
Cavities fill my teeth from the sweet, sweet words
But I know you don't care that you hurt me

But really. It's myself that I hate
For feeling these things

You and I are okay,
but still, I'm hurting every single day.

Your reason is valid,
and for that, I'm sorry that I feel this way.

Sorry, I'm feeling things tonight. I don't actually hate you, please don't hate me too.

#hurt #hate #heartbreak #fuckyou #mad

Jul 2023

Ila

Muscle Memory

When you do an action enough
Your body naturally remembers it

My hands still remember the trace of your face
Moving to your lips, a soft outline

My eyes remember the way it felt to divert the attention you had so pleasantly given me

My mouth remembers the way I spoke your name
The laughs we shared together

And in a way, my tongue remembers yours
Learned ways on how to pleasure and love

My body remembers the way you touch it
Innocent touches brought to my face
Passionate touches went to a different place

Muscle memory shows us the past
Things we might’ve forgotten had it not caught after us
Your lasting touch still burns on me
It singes my memory

Until now my muscle memory bugs me about you
Oh how I would love to be touched again by you

The thing is, I saw you recently and we held each other. First of many or last of us?

#sad #imissyou #heartbreak #musclememory #love #touch

— The End —