Hiling ko sana'y isa akong maong na pantalon sa buhay mo
Kahit kupas at luma na ay ako pa din ang paborito
Pero para kang bata na ang gusto lagi ay bago
Mahirap ba maging kuntento?

Ganun naman talaga sa isang relasyon diba
Dumadating din sa punto na wala ng kasasabikan
Kaya lang madalas nauunahan tayo ng mahinang damdamin
Kaya nauuwi na lang sa sakitan at hiwalayan

Yung isa patuloy na pinaglalaban ang pagmamahal
Kasi yung tao ang mahal nya
Hindi yung mga bagong bagay na makakapagpasaya o magpapakilig
Dahil presensya pa lang ng mahal nya ay sapat na

Yung isa ay patuloy na naghahanap ng bago
Kaya natakpan ang mga mata ng kanyang puso
Hindi na makita ang mga ginagawa para sa kanya
Tuluyang nabulag sa ideya na pag bago masaya

we are not butterflies
wings splayed flat across tables
like specimens. we are
not fluttering in the wind
like figurines. we are
life

and love, and hope and
faith floating eternally
in the distance, just
and beneath our grasp. past
the skies we fly still,
splayed across blue
like specimens. poised
to spring to life
like figurines. we

are beautiful. we
are strong. we
are feeble, and plastered,
and nailed half-folded
to surfaces that scrape against
our cheeks but still
we fly. still

we are not butterflies.

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

She took her tea with sugar this time
and waited for him to call.
The gate made creakings on its hinges
but he made no sound at all.

I guess you'll never know that I
stole glances at you
while you were sleeping next to me

How I thought you looked nice
when you were viewed from the side,
only half of your face seen
and wondered what you looked like
if you were facing me

you'll never know that I thought
you had a nice forehead
that went well with your man bun

and how that small silver earring you have
on your right ear sealed it off

I wanted to talk to you but I don't know whether
I should say sorry
for falling asleep on your shoulders

or thank you
for sharing with me your warmth
in that cold bus

**

You phase me
I've phased me
It was a phase I was in
Where you've known me
But when I see you
All that I can see,
Are those judge mental eyes.

© Clarissa C. van Vreden