3, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 17, 18 and now

AGE 3
please dad no
don’t hit my brother
don’t kick him out
stop throwing things dad
mom please stop
stop threatening him
stop screaming
please stop mom and dad

AGE 10
mom can’t leave
where is she going?
is she coming back?
no? what do you mean?
mom is sick?
how sick?
please don’t leave
goodbye mom

AGE 11
first hit
first call
child’s aid
i guess its my turn for the blame
stop hitting me dad
it hurts

AGE 12
first of many counsellor meetings
but this one
this one changed my life
i went from writing
suicide notes
to thank you notes

AGE 13
im not hungry
no thank you
i’m full
i need new clothes
smaller clothes
to fit the new body
that i never fed

AGE 15
go to physio therapy they said
it will help your back they said
one visit
and i walked out crying
****** harassment filled my head
with nightmares
and bad memories
i was felt up by someone
i knew nothing about

AGE 17
stop it
*******
get a life
you’re just a stupid high school boy
oh ****
he touched me
he said things about me
inappropriate things
“sir, he’s been harassing me for months now”

AGE 18
stop
please stop
help
someone help
get off me
please
leave
go
stop
help
someone help
….
room went silent
but my tears were still streaming
down my face
as my ****** held my mouth shut

AND NOW
now i am in uni
now i have better friends
now i am safe
now i am happy
but ****
what a nightmare I've had

**** is like nothing you’ve ever experienced
in the worst way possible

once you’ve been *****
everything becomes a threat
you are scared of
absolutely everything

friends asking you to come hang out on a friday night
turns into a thought about how many people would be there
and how many people could touch you
a walk to the grocery store becomes a blueprint plan
because you need to figure out which streets are bad
and which streets are the worst
a stranger saying a friendly good morning or a simple hello
turns into a potential perpetrator
and an escape mission
a boy flirting with you because he thinks you’re cute
turns into a panic attack
and an immediate phone call to the first person on your contact list

once you’ve been *****
you realize how many people don’t care
your friends and family are there for the week
and then they’re gone

once you’ve spoken out
you’re told to keep quiet
and once you’ve gained courage
the police shut you down

“it’s his word against yours”
well why can’t my word be the stronger one
why is it my fault he did this to me
“you should have kept your legs closed”
when?
while he was prying them open to force himself upon me?

you don’t know what its like
and i don’t expect you to
but don’t pretend that you know whats best
and that you know what happened
don’t pretend you know all the things to say
and don’t blame me for something i didn’t do

i didn’t force myself upon anyone
but i was certainly forced to do something i didn’t want to do
and was told i should’ve covered up more
even though a wool sweater and leggings covered my body well
but apparently thats not good enough
nothing ever is good enough

i cannot possibly speak out about this
and be successful
so i’ll write this poem to support those
who have been victims of ****** assault
i’m here for you and its not your fault

i wish the birds would come grab me by the shoulders
and throw me into the air as high as they can
so that the drop is more dangerous
and i can’t feel a thing

i wish the school shootings and the bank robberies were places i visited
and that there was a gunman or a few there
so that they could take me out with a single shot
and i would die a short death

i wish the natural disasters would swallow my body
and take the life out of me right away
so that i can float in my own misery
and wish i was never here

I wish the terrorists would come for me
and threaten to ****
so that i could be taken away
and never have to return

i wish life would end
and i could go to heaven
so that i could be happy
and never cry again

i wish i didn’t go that day
and stayed right in my bed
so that this wouldn’t have happened
and i wouldn’t have to say I’ve been *****

i went to the gym today
with anne and jen
they did cardio
but i wanted to do abs
so i told them to move closer
because i was scared
i can’t be around men anymore
i wanted to cry
actually, i did cry
so jen moved closer
but an old man kept staring
so i didnt go
i stood beside her on the treadmill
and waited
and waited
and waited till they left
but they never did
so jen took me over to the side
to talk
but i just cried
and cried
while she spoke
but i couldn’t hear her
over myself
so she pulled me to the ab station
and anne came over
then we tried doing it together
i was happier
i felt safer
and thats what family is all about
being there
even when you’re upset
loving someone
through thick and thin
unconditional care
unconditional love
unconditional

10 grams of ****
9 dead lives
8 shots
7 bowls
6 hits
5 migraines
4 anxiety attacks
3 concerned siblings
2 options
1 thought

i hate knowing that you’re with another girl
i hate knowing that you kiss her goodnight
i hate knowing that you text her good morning and goodnight
i hate knowing that you share personal things with her
i hate knowing that you’re intimate with her
i hate knowing that she’s better than me
i hate knowing that you’re happier with her
i hate knowing that i told you how i felt and nothing more happened
i hate knowing that you’re going to be with her through university
i hate knowing that she was your first kiss
i hate knowing that she was your first
i hate knowing that she was your prom date
i hate knowing that you have an anniversary with her
i hate knowing that you went camping together
i hate knowing that my friend set you two up
i hate knowing that i was made a fool
i hate knowing that I’m not that girl
i hate knowing that you probably told her you love her
i hate knowing that she gets all of your attention
i hate knowing that she has no idea
i hate knowing that she gets to hug you
i hate knowing that you give her your sweater when she gets cold at night
i hate knowing that you take her out for drives
i hate knowing that you take her out for cute dates
i hate knowing that she may be the one
i hate knowing that ill never have you
i hate knowing that you’ll never take me back
i hate knowing that we both feel the same way but we still aren’t together
i hate knowing that everyone knew about it
i hate knowing that the love of my life will marry someone else