Mom left.
Depression
Anxiety
Mom found

The rain dribbles on his lips
down his yellow striped tie
the moon reflects in his storm grey eyes
he looks at me with so much desire
holds the back of my salmon pink dress
pulls me closer to him
kisses me with so much wonder
the warmness of his breath against my cupids bow
The passion of our kiss as our lips continue to flow
the corners of his mouth turn upwards into a smile
Then we just stared into each others eyes for awhile
Yeah I wasn't into it

Two painted delicate wings
six thin legs exit the womb
the warmth of the encasement
of the broken cocoon
she flies
out
and up
only to find a net
The struggle
let her be free
she tries to get out
but
she can't
a foot lies on top of her
only three minutes old
she's already dead

She sat
she breathed
and the world breathed with her
she stood
she cried
and the stars cried with her
she lies
she smiles
and the sun smiles with her
never knowing she was queen
center of a whole galaxy
she kissed the boy
and the asteroids fell in love
she pretended she was fine
would she ever know
the power she has
on all of our souls
when her time is done
will someone else come
to fill her space
as the center of our universe

You have forgotten me
Not the first time
I'm fine

We all take a step
We all take a breath
Learning to hide our inner emotions
Fearing the worst
Knowing only the fear
containing us from what really out there
holding you back and not letting you surrender
I'm not going to be quiet any longer
The games you've been playing
The things you keep saying
Hate is all you can give me but for what
What did I do that made you hate me
Did I say something to offend you
Say your name in a snotty tone
No I liked you for a mere
TWO WEEKS
and its been years since I've actually spoken to you
all I get is messages saying how much you
"Hate me"
but for what reason because
every second you hate me
is another second you spend WASTING your time
hating someone
Who did nothing
and doesn't deserve to be hated
in the least
we are to old for this get over it
I've been over it since sophomore year
its time you stop acting like we are in middle school
because face it
we are not 13 anymore
This year is about
Forward moving
and I cant move forward if there is something
someone
who can't seem to shake something from
four years ago
I'm done

I might be okay
All I think about is you
I need to move on

I'm crazy and you
forget that crazy people
can do stupid thing

I'm under stress
It's getting worse
soon itll be
better

It doesn't matter
what the world delivers to us
its what you believe

Not chain link  no sword still a knight to me

I never knew my mother
in ways some girls know theirs
she left in winter
My sister was only two
She grabbed her stuff
and when we weren't looking
she ran through the door
she never said 'good bye'
she never cried
were we nothing to her?
It goes through my mind
at least once a day
if my mother was here
would I be in this much pain
There was a lady
that my dad married
she didn't want anything to do with me
I was just an obstacle in the family
I've had people to look up to don't get me wrong
but no one who actually wants to be my mom
My stepmom to be
is the closest I've got
but she never has wanted to be a mom
so we are more like friends
but she takes care of me
am I not worth it
is it me
why does everyone leave
no I'm not perfect
I'm covered in scars
And I feel safest
when I'm cutting
but I promised I wouldn't
so recently
I've felt insane
Never knowing my mother isn't really my problem
it's never having a real mother

No more tears
I promised myself
Anger and Fear
I need out
I am "safe"
won't hurt a fly
only maybe
MAYBE
I may try
I see my blood
My long lost blood
and forever I thought it was finally gone
Now as I sit on this plane
Thinking about the times you were not here
When I wanted to die
The days that I spent crying
I sit on a plane only writing a line
So I said
Who knows how many you have read
Well its time for sleep
hush hush
Sweet dreams

singing
playing
drawing
writing
speaking
laughing
crying
smiling
frowning
loving
hating
wondering
knowing
forgetting
remembering
­hurting
healing
dancing

You tell me not to
I need to
You tell me to stop
I can't
It isn't worth it
it heals my pain
Please don't do it again
it's only myself that I blame
put down the blade
I put it down
Promise me you won't babe
I promise

slit of the wrist
pop of the pills
once you do it life doesn't go back
sip of the whiskey
finger on the trigger
BAM
you're dead
are you happy now
now that its over
you sure aren't forgotten
put the knife down
put the pills in the bottle
spit the whiskey out
and release the trigger
the pain is real
I know that
but the pain for everyone else will get worst
if you say good bye to this world
so  keep your head up darling
there's no need to fear
if anything bad happens
I'll be right here
stay strong
be safe my dear
it'll all be okay
no need to shed a tear
so don't pull the trigger
or pop those pills
don't guzzle that whiskey
and don't slit your wrist

FREAK
YOU FREAK
ARE WE TRIGGERING YOU
Do we take the power away from you
Are you still scared
like you were in the spring
no because you realize now
we are taking over
because you are a freak

Know until we meet
my heart will never be
complete without you

The wind is whispering
Hush hush
All of our secrets
Coldly
Sharply
Like a sea of needles

When you left
I never thought I'd ever be happy again
I wasn't right
I have been happy
But there's still something missing
This is hard
to say
to anyone
especially someone who knows your deepest secrets
who can scream them to the entire world
but someone who should know
that even though
your heart has been torn by the person mentioned before
something still pulls you towards them
though you promised yourself
you were over him
promised your parents
you were friends again
but the pain of seeing him hurts so much
because you know you're still in total utter love with him
but you don't want to ruin your just mended friendship
or have him hate you again
yet when people tell you he still likes you its hard not to think you have a chance
and you've apologized over and over for what you've done
but never once has he said you've been forgiven
It's hard when you love someone
And you would do anything for them
This is hard
telling you that I'm still crazy about you
This is stupid
God
This is hard

Every time I close my eyes
I see you still by my side
never left nor gone
your life had never worn
every now and again
you visit us from the unknown
you ring our doorbell
which is in a drawer
and sometimes I feel
you are just here
watching over
the girl
the girl who hurts so much
whose life she wished
would disappear
you keep her safe
and she knows you're there
and she isn't hopeless

When he told me he loved me
I didn't believe him
When he said he was leaving
I couldn't stop him
when he grabbed my hand
when he whispered in my ear
"Baby I'm not going anywhere I'm here to stay why don't you see that?"
I  tell him that I'm sorry
I get jealous of her
"Who?"
I'm not sure
but I'm sure she exists
When he whispered
again it wasn't to leave
simply to say
"You're the only one that you need to be jealous of because you're
the only girl I love."
He kissed the slits in my wrist
kissed my watermelon lips
wrapped me in his arms
and I finally felt safe.
when he whispered
"I love you"
I finally believed him

The incision I make on my own skin
the vermillion blood dripping thin
why can't I stop the cutting
why can't I start believing
because mama is going
no shes already gone
because its hard remembering
what is actually wrong
because he stares at me every time
he see's me yet he causes so much pain
because my sister she's shutting down
won't admit something is wrong
because I'm afraid my love will go
I know I told you to put the blade down
but I feel safer with it dragging against my skin
pulling blood away dribble by dribble
am I chucking my life away
will the scars ever fade
slits up my femur
I count fifty six
I try not to do it
Its force of habit
fifty seven, fifty eight
wait
fifty nine, sixty
trickery
you play me again
sixty one
my heart was true
sixty two
set me free
sixty three
my life was torn
sixty four
I don't want to be alive
sixty five
I need my fix
sixty six
Now I'm going to heaven
sixty seven
no that's not my fate
sixty eight
one last time
sixty nine