I've dug so deep into the mines of my soul
That I can't find an escape.
There was once a magic and wonder,
But now
I can't get out of this cave.

I no longer want to mine
Looking for answers made of gold.

I just want it to stop caving in.
Stop feeling so alone.

Tink, Tink, Tink.
Here I go again.
Is it worth continuing down
To the Earth's core?

I'm going to burn or suffocate
Possessed to look for more.

Tink, Tink, Tink.
It's so hot and it burns here in my chest
But here I am again.

Fracking every little piece until the substance
is found.

The most valuable minerals of my soul.

Depression for me happens slowly,
And for some reason,
Has never quite felt like drowning.

More like a rut that turns into a hole that I've slowly dug myself into.

And then I hit rock bottom and look up to see where I am..
And in those moments, I become utterly shocked at what I've done. Then it gets worse when I tell myself "there's no way out."

"Oh how tall the grave."

It feels like an overwhelmingly empty pit that I'm stuck in.

So far down, so far away..

But I can see the sky, turning from night to day, night to day.

"I'm wasting time." I say.

I also see the light though,
The light at the end of my upwards tunnel and somehow I always get out because it leads the way.

Yet I dig another.
And another..

It is exhausting.
To be so unwillingly, accidentally, repetitive.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when I'm further than 10ft under but will get so tired that I can't fight it anymore and maybe someone will look in to see a skeleton, and bury me
Once and for all.

Unwillingly in my soul
I have accepted the end.

Like the way we beg in our minds
Every morning that our loved ones
Never passed away,
Yet the sinking truth soaks in
And it's weight punches you in the stomach all over again.

I've accepted your absence
In the way mourners live
In the denial stage.

Pain has lived in all of us and that's why we somehow find the beauty in it,
Because at one time or another
That was us.

We find comfort in it's familiarity.

Today is one of those days
Where I breathe in
But I can't breathe in today.

Rather I am breathing in all
The people I was once
And all the people I will be.

Today,
The air is crisp with deja Vu
And nostalgia.

Today, the air is drenched in the past of a thousand years before
And a thousand years to come and
Sometimes I wish others knew what
That smelled like.

Your hand
Reached through the ethers
Ever so slightly,
With a fingertip that
Brushed,
Ever so lightly,
against the skin of my soul.
Leaving your fingerprint on the surface.
And I've never been touched the same again.

Cynicism that seeps into the heart
And baby, my heart is drenched in black hatred.

Sulfur breath and poison kisses.
I'm your raging demon.

Don't try to get me to settle down
and make me your Mrs.

I'll never be of Love and Light
when I hate my ******* life.

I am never satisfied.

Yet you try to please.

I am uncontrollable pure white fire rage.

Existential dread has taken it's toll
and I have lost the last of my control.

I want War to wage.

Rot to ensue.

The world to burn down right along with me and you.

And I might obsess with total impending doom,
Cause it's better than being stuck in this ******* room.

I can no longer take being alive on this godforsaken planet.
Why make something, just to abandon it?

Don't try to soothe, don't try to caress.

I will ***** out the light within
And possess.

So if you want to keep your sovereignty
Then you better stay the **** away from me.

I've told you I'm jumping out of my skin.
Bursting out this body
And hopefully
Shedding everything
That ever kept me
From being anything
Other than absolutely free.

You don't understand this restlessness.

I've waited.
I've waited and yearned and longed
In pain for so long and I just want
It to stop.

Make the wanting stop.
The call.
Cover my ears and close my eyes
But I don't hear it from anywhere
Other than from inside.

So how do I run?
How do I hide?

After speaking for so long to deaf ears,

You get sick of speaking at all.

After a while you scream and shout,

Hoping to split ear drums that you have pounded on for so long,

Hoping your words finally form the "correct" sentence,

But it never does

And you fall silent

No longer caring for being heard.

After all the pointed fingers...
After all the laughs...
After all the, "I told you so's..."

I realized that even though it hurt, even though they all got to say how wrong and naive I am, that maybe there was a purpose.

Maybe I was one of the ones who was meant to spread love, give love, feel love, speak love, and fully embrace love even if
The people I gave it to stepped on me, threw it away, betrayed and lied;

Because even if they say it didn't matter or that it didn't mean a thing,

I don't believe that.

I believe that I started ripples because no matter how hard I try
I can't fight my own heart.

I will love and love and love

Until the day

I can love no more.

There's too many things unsaid.
Too many feelings left to rest
But I'm hearing a scratching against
The tomb stone lid.  

A skeletons fingertips scraping rock because they will not rest in peace.
No, not this time.

They will come back to life
Over and over again.
Resurrected at the thought of you.

Love never dies.

Staring blankly,
My finger slowly traces the circle
Again and again.
Wet and smoothly gliding
Along the ****** edges
Of the gaping hole
That was my chest.

My
Incessant
Struggle to
Understand myself.
No one else
Dares to
Even
Really
Seriously
Try. Not even for
One *******
Ordinary
Day.

If we were to take everything away,
All of the human ******* responsibilities,
It would be so easy to fall into you.

I love your souls essence
But this world would rather
Tear us apart than ever see us happily together.
It would rather force struggle than ease.
I have a hard time not drowning underneath it all, and losing sight of you.

Just know that even though I hate the human experiences and become someone I'm not,
I love you, the you you are when we're done here and have nothing else to worry about other than pure love.

I wonder if they can see the heaviness that I can feel plaguing my eyes.

The bags underneath, purple with exhaustion and pain pulling them down further and further.

Droopy lids that never close because my heart and mind can't sleep.

Endless suffering hidden behind my glass pupils hoping someone can see it in the reflection.