I loved you with the deepest pits of my loneliness.
We could have walked for days inside
The eroded holes in our very being.
Echoing out, calling each other's names.
We tried to just keep each other safe
In the same caves we thought kept us protected
But it just stirred up more despair
As we got lost in each other's darkness.

"And what would be your idea of a perfect day?" He asked.

"I am selfish. I could never be happy
With just a day but I crave the perfect life."

And then I thought,
You have to create your own perfect day, every day, to make a perfect life."

I've grown up with wide eyes and a wider smile.
Messy short hair and dirt on the end of my nose.
I loved people and the world I lived in was magic.
Cruelty didn't exist.

As loving as I was
I always kept my mouth shut.
Cause everyone always had gaping mouths and bug eyes
When I'd simply speak my mind.

I've learned to sift through my thoughts and emotions just like flour.
They have always been the worth of dust anyway.
Taken for nothin.
Still I just kept it all to myself.
Sometimes I'd mess up and it'd slip out
and if I got those dropped jaws
I'd stick my nose in the air and pretend
I didn't care.

Writing was my only way out and my journal knew me better than my lifelong friends.
I knew everyone around me, I could practically read minds.
Still my mouth only opened now and then
but mostly just a strong, closed dam.

Now that I'm out on my own
Without people always hovering like vultures, picking at every little thing
that flies out of my mouth,
It's hard not to just let it all fall out.

I've kept a mask and a crusty outside and anything else you could possibly think of
To make sure I never crushed someones delicate eggshells.
My tongue tip toed around words.
To others it always looked like I was putting myself out there
And never worrying
About the wondering stares.

But now I'm just sick of it.
If I'm mad I wanna yell it.
If I'm sad I wanna cry and burst at the seams I kept so well knit.
If I think you're a pretty stranger I wanna say so
I want to be the person I've hidden from the world
Cause I just was never welcomed.

This world is so used to pretending to be delicate flowers but when it comes to others
They stomp and rip people apart.
Plucking every last petal.

I am so tired of pretending you're all delicate.
Like you can't handle it
Cause it was never fair that I didn't get to be who I've always been because you could shout the loudest.
And I'm not mean, but if I have an opinion, and you don't agree
Then stop telling me I'm too young to understand.
Stop telling me I'm crazy or off the bend.

I'm not ignorant, I actually get it.
And ya maybe sometimes its ******* offensive, so what?
I'm learning who I am and sometimes that might come off wrong
But I'm stumbling along
With little to no help from you all.

Everyone has a rule book for how everyone should act.
This is how it's done
This is how its gotta be.
Well to me, you're all just annoying.

I'm just sick of being pushed and shoved and buried.
Somewhere I can't be seen anymore
SO therefore
I can't be heard either.

Well I'm just going to push through the crowd.
I'm gonna make sure that I break free from this "norm"
Whoever deemed it to be just that.

Stop telling me,
For Christ's sake,
Stop telling me how to be myself.

Today isn't much different than yesterday but it feels like there's never goin to be good news in sight.

Today feels like all responsibilities and the future days are weighing down on me.

Today feels like I won't have food tomorrow.

Today feels like I won't have a safe place to live next year.

Today feels like I'll never find the happy solution to it all.

Today *****.
Today I hit a wall.
Today I fall.

Loneliness is a flesh eating parasite.
I watch my skin get eaten away and see my bones uncovered from underneath like roots
Peeking through dirt.

Hang my skeleton up on a wall
Surrounded by growing flowers for display
Since the me I am now
Isn't beautiful enough to be given the time of day.

I'm just tired..
So so tired.

My soul is drenched with the heaviness awareness brings and things I can't unsee.

I just want to go home.

To my REAL home.

Where is the open armed loving embrace?
Where is the reward for continuing to stay alive?

I don't want to be here anymore.
I just want to do nothing.
To be nothing.

I want to quit. To stop.
I want it all to stop.

No one should have to be the reason that someone stays in this world
Even if they made you see colors brighter
And breathe lighter.

No one should have to pack your problems in their backpack along with the rocks of their own and carry you the whole way
Up this mountain that is life.

If they left, If they've passed,
if they just messed up and it's all over now
Then there is no reason for you
to go up to the roof and ignore that beautiful night sky,
just to jump off an edge that might make you feel
like flying for those few seconds.

There is not an exception.
If you knew love then
Then you can know love now.

You don't have to love yourself
but at least find something that is not as fleeting as a human.
Find your peace
In books or in sun
Or maybe even rain.
Because you're not someone else's responsibility to carry
even though they loved you.
That is not love.
That
Is Lazy.

Today feels like one of those days
Where you're tired of holding on.

Your arms afire and you just
                           Let go. . .

                Lay back and d r i f t .  .  .

                       Float on and on and on. . .

I've been playing tug-o-war
For so long.
Going back and forth.
Between pros and cons.
Between loves and fears.

And it's finally exhausted me.
It's brought me down to my hands and knees.
Burnt palms and aching feet.

I drop the rope of trying.
I drop the rope of pleasing.

I stop the yelling,
I stop the pleading.

I can see no amount of words
No actions or revenge,
No love and patience,
Could ever bring me anywhere
Except back to The End.

I don't think I have it in me
To let go of all I resent.

It poisoned me long ago
And I waited to find content.

I worked for it day and night
And saw nothing in return.
No change permanent enough to ever make it work.
Now I'm drained completely
But I didn't go out without a fight.

I hope doing everything exactly
The way you wanted
Without even trying to change
Was worth it all.

Worth it all.

I purposely stitched your name into my heart
And everyday
Have woven more of you between
And into
My essence.

I can't imagine what it'd be like
To have to rip away
All that has ever healed me.

You don't have to have complete confidence and self-esteem to love dear, you don't.

What cannot do is when you stick your nails into someone and bite down so that you can latch on. Leeching.

You
Both
Must
Have
Freedom.

If you can not allow that without every worry and doubt squirming underneath your skin until it drives you mad,
Well,
Then that is where work is needed.

Otherwise,
Eventually
You will **** them dry.

Give me stars and give me passion
Explosions and Super Novas.
Something out of this world.

Burst with more than you were made of
and become something bigger,
a brighter being.

I am in love with the night sky.

I fall from shooting stars
and breathe in cosmic dust.

My soul is full of constellations
and twinkling wishes.

When will I go back to the stars I am made of?

Her freckles reminded me something like splattered paint gifted from the sun.  

Her red hair can ignite like fire when she is happy.

She's like a warm campfire everyone likes to sit around,
Surrounded with laughs that echo in the forest.

She's the sunrise you get up early for,
Waiting in the cold.
Waiting to bask in all the colors and light because it's worth it.

She is fire.
She is heat and happiness.

She is like the sun,
A reason for people to get out of bed in the morning.

A beacon that draws everyone in.