Being forced into my mind
And into my body
And into my heart
Is an excruciating prison for someone
Who grew up living
As an escape artist.

I used everything I had control over
At the time and the only thing
I had was my mind.

So every morning until the night
I'd let my mind and soul
Take flight
To cope with the monsters
I had to fight.

Dreaming in my wake
And in my sleep
Hoping that, by morning,
I wake
Somewhere safe.

You ruined my life.
My every waking day
Shattered by yelling
And the constant verbal abuse.

Nothing satisfied you.

Now nothing satisfies me.

I've run in every direction.
My daydreams tried to take me
But you wouldn't set me free,
You couldn't just be kind
And happy.

So I turned to alcohol until
It burned my insides that I realized
That it isn't fun anymore.
It's just poison and I'm useless,
Mindless on the floor.

So I chose to smoke some ****
Hoping it'd get rid of the
****** memories.
And it did..
For a while.
And now it's not the same
Because all it brings is numbness
No longer a smile and heightens the pain.

Now I'm stuck here.
Aware.
In my body and in my mind
And weirdly enough
The real world feels more fake
Than my dreams ever did.

Forever ******* miserable
Because I have a damaged inner kid.

I read that if you want something with all your heart then the universe conspires to make it happen...

But what if I want for nothing
Other than to know
God?

Will the universe conspire to bring about my untimely end?

How will the stars and planets align?
To light my path,
To lead me back to You?

Way finding through the constellations.

What if the only thing I desire
Is to know my purpose?

What if the only thing I want
Is to go Home?

Will you help me then... Universe?

I can feel her peeking,
Shyly one eye around the corner.

I can see her sneaking,
Flying under curtains.

Giggling at the thought
Of finally being out in the open.

Playfully teasing,
One foot in and
One foot out.

She gets closer and closer,
Preparing to just dip her toe in.

I coax and cheer her on,
I'm ready for the show to begin.

She's almost ready
To come out after
Being long, long hidden
From within.

I wake every morning
With a heavy body
And a burning heart.

I tire
By the end of every night
And I just want to hang
This burning desire
Up on the rack,
Like a soaked coat,
Dampened by utter confusion
And the turmoil that brings.

Even though
I pour salt water tears
On the coals
And watch the steam carry toward the sky;

It means nothing by sunrise.

With light of the sun
It sparks again,
The burn to understand.

The yearn I have to know
All that I Am
And the one who created it.