if you’re thinking of me right now, or ever.
i want you to know something.
wherever you are,
however you are
and whoever you are now,
i want you to truly know just how much you hurt me.
and how much i hate letting you put me through pain (and daring to call it ‘love’).
yet i am incapable of hating you because there was a time i once loved you so, that all feelings ceased.
to the point where i was blind to everything that hurt.
however now, i am capable of saying i no longer love you anymore,
as i cant love you anymore.
as of writing, i am listening to ‘this side of paradise’.
a song that once bled meaning to us. listening to (what was once) ‘our’ song is no longer self harm, as no longer am i inducing breakdowns wondering where i went wrong.
because as of now i fully know-
you were everything that went wrong.
granted, i was never perfect.
no one was, nor can anyone be.
but i realised, with time and healing, that the reason i sought you in perfect ‘la vie en roses’ was because you made me blind to reality.
you subjected me to pain that was like of my mother and, as a result of trauma, i let your toxic ‘love’ foster me from reality.
and disgustingly you still chose to declare, in our final moments together, that i was like my mother.
i shut out reality as i desperately wanted you to be my reality.
and make ‘our’ reality a reality.
but i eventually realised that isnt a reality i wanted to live in, nor endure.
a life of toxic *** and gratifying love after infliction.
for love, i turned a blind eye all the signs.
by the time i recognised the signs, i felt it was too late for me.
i had fallen for you and into your trap too far and too hard to crawl back out.
i believed in your baseless pleas that proved time and time again false,
in the efforts to amend ‘love’.
but there was never ‘love’ to amend if it hurt this much.
and you taught me that.
the reason why i cant hate you was because you taught me what real love meant.
what love was supposed to feel like.
what love wasnt supposed to feel like.
you may not stand here today with me but your silhouette remains.
memory stands where you no longer do.
of what love, ***, pain, abuse and loss truly feels like.
a lesson spanned over the course of 5 months and 21 days,
is a lesson i will learn for the course of however long life will prove.
you are one of my life’s greatest lessons that i’ve learnt.
with time and numerous suicide attempts, i learnt that my side of paradise is not by your side,
and, in turn, your side of paradise is not by mine.
and now, for as long life serves, i will live.
for my sake, not yours.
and die for my sake, not yours.
and as lesson serves - anyone elses.
without the most tender memories you embedded in me,
and without the torments you in turn subjected me to.
my paradise is without you.