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cesario Mar 2020
if you’re thinking of me right now, or ever.
i want you to know something.

wherever you are,
however you are
and whoever you are now,
i want you to truly know just how much you hurt me.
and how much i hate letting you put me through pain (and daring to call it ‘love’).

yet i am incapable of hating you because there was a time i once loved you so, that all feelings ceased.
to the point where i was blind to everything that hurt.
however now, i am capable of saying i no longer love you anymore,
as i cant love you anymore.

as of writing, i am listening to ‘this side of paradise’.
a song that once bled meaning to us. listening to (what was once) ‘our’ song is no longer self harm, as no longer am i inducing breakdowns wondering where i went wrong.
because as of now i fully know-

you were everything that went wrong.

granted, i was never perfect.
no one was, nor can anyone be.
but i realised, with time and healing, that the reason i sought you in perfect ‘la vie en roses’ was because you made me blind to reality.
you subjected me to pain that was like of my mother and, as a result of trauma, i let your toxic ‘love’ foster me from reality.
and disgustingly you still chose to declare, in our final moments together, that i was like my mother.

i shut out reality as i desperately wanted you to be my reality.
and make ‘our’ reality a reality.

but i eventually realised that isnt a reality i wanted to live in, nor endure.
a life of toxic *** and gratifying love after infliction.
for love, i turned a blind eye all the signs.

by the time i recognised the signs, i felt it was too late for me.
i had fallen for you and into your trap too far and too hard to crawl back out.
i believed in your baseless pleas that proved time and time again false,
in the efforts to amend ‘love’.
but there was never ‘love’ to amend if it hurt this much.

and you taught me that.
the reason why i cant hate you was because you taught me what real love meant.
what love was supposed to feel like.
what love wasnt supposed to feel like.

you may not stand here today with me but your silhouette remains.
memory stands where you no longer do.
of what love, ***, pain, abuse and loss truly feels like.
a lesson spanned over the course of 5 months and 21 days,
is a lesson i will learn for the course of however long life will prove.

you are one of my life’s greatest lessons that i’ve learnt.
with time and numerous suicide attempts, i learnt that my side of paradise is not by your side,
and, in turn, your side of paradise is not by mine.

and now, for as long life serves, i will live.
for my sake, not yours.
and die for my sake, not yours.
and as lesson serves - anyone elses.

without the most tender memories you embedded in me,
and without the torments you in turn subjected me to.
my paradise is without you.


goodbye forever,
elise.
cesario Dec 2019
in the distance, a cry
of that less of a weep
you nursing her, tears dry
legs tangle in our sleep

too worn to remember
the jingle bells chime
to a merry day of december
we spend in this time

the warmest festivity
we all share as one
not to celebrate nativity
only how ‘we made it, ***’
cesario Feb 2020
03:31

it’s constant.
constant pounding,
constant screaming,
of your name.
reiterating of you,
and constantly driving me.

absent yet constant.
echoing through every crevice
in my mind,
and of the mind you reside.
constantly screamed to fill the silence you left.

every gap of nothing is filled with everything of you.

you reign over my sombers,
awake when im not.
when my conscious is taken,
you follow me into sleep.
only to wake to you
and sleep to you.
and wake to you.
and sleep to you.
and wake to you,
and yet another
daily,
cyclical torment,
where the only constant is you.

constantly
constantly
constantly.
cesario Feb 2020
im dysphoric.
really really ******* badly dysphoric.
i dont have you here to hold me the way you held me,
and tell me all those warm reassuring words of comfort,
reassuring my masculinity,
and telling me just how much you love me,
and how much you cant wait till im your husband,
and how ill always be a man
and your man.

i miss how you told me my body was that of a roman statue,
how i was masculine and dominating,
how even my smell was that of a man,
and how my stature screamed nothing but ‘man’ and your ‘man’.

and now i have to sit alone,
wallowing in pain,
crying till all dysphoria is gone,
alone with no arms to cry in,
and no chest to lie my head on.

i have to face my worst pain alone.
with no words of warmth,
or comfort,
or reassurance,
to reassure my masculinity
and my worth.

i just want to ******* disappear,
or get taken back to august.
under the chinese arch,
when you held me in your arms.
even when i was crying you made me feel the most masculine,
and most strongest.

and right now i feel the most feminine,
and the most weakest,
without you.
more of a poetic vent than a poem.
cesario Feb 2020
you tenderly tore me apart.
even when you ripped every shred,
it felt like home.

in all of life,
ive been without a home,
till your toxicity fostered me.
despite all roofs that were never home,
you became home to me.
with the warmest radiators that worked and sinks that never clogged-

you were my home.
but our household was toxic.
the roof you provided was my sanctuary from the world,
sheltered me from all bad.
but inside our house of carrot flowers,
harbored the greater bad.
in fear of homelessness,
i enabled your manifest under the roof of once love.
and for love i left the home that took me in and took me apart.

and i chose to be without a home.
with no warmth to retreat to in the coldest december of now.
cesario Feb 2020
my voice became hoarse.
i tried screaming to be heard,
but you chose to be deaf.
i cried out to you.
clinging onto whats left.
it pained me to cling,
for there was nothing left for us,
of us.

you ignored my cries,
i ignored the signs.
cesario Feb 2020
your voice plays like a broken record,
consuming me further,
and longer into the night.
cesario Feb 2020
i wish i held you tighter,
kissed you stronger
and taken in every detail
of your face,
if it meant it was the last time
id be holding,
kissing,
and taking in,
the girl i loved.
cesario Feb 2021
aphrodite’s blessings
on a blessed day of love
dressed in courtly roses
apart from lovers thereof

confessions of undying
to keep our flame burning
and with cupids curse
we stay apart, in yearning

my fingers still reach
as this distance churns
saint valentine saves
as distant lovers concern

in a ballad of love
lips passionately are one
slow dancing in desire
memories in long-run

vows of commitment
embedded in taste
chocolate stained lips
fade without a trace

for this day is ours
dearest love of mine
a day sweetest of all
for you are my valentine.
cesario Apr 2020
everyday tastes the same.
bland todays mix with that of yesterdays-
its all the same.
with no flavour to rush my tongue,
i am sickened with the same bland taste of nothing,
everyday.

indifference clouds my senses,
day after day and night after night.
with nothing to differentiate mondays from the sundays,
i am only feeding into the downward spiral.
consuming me into the Nothing,
and i, too, become nothing.
cesario May 2020
the silence screams louder than her.
in place where she no longer will.

the stillness sits as a reminder,
of the silence she once disturbed,
screaming at me.

with piercing frequencies,
of equally piercing words.

the silence is whole,
as i am once again.
cesario Jan 2020
you tried to break me.
but you didnt know that i was already strong.
im shatter resistant against your words that should have pierced but didnt.
i was already built to resist you.

im resistant to shatter because ive already been shattered before.
ive been broken and ive always been the one to pick up the pieces of glass and reconstruct the mirror.
and in the end of building it back, i just see myself more,
and the pained expression i bore through our relationship.

i fell for you.
your bathwater eyes seeped me in until i was swallowed whole by you.
and now im left in the dark, being swallowed in thoughts of you.
swallowed thoughts of you my immunse system cant digest -
so i threw up.

your toxicity poisoned my vessels.
replaced what was once me into now whats of you.
the lies you fed me coarsed through me till it became a part of me-
now apart from you.
i let your toxic violate me if it meant it never abandoned my body.
i hated being apart from you.
and now i only realise that is the consequence of drugging myself with you.
in my veins, blood, life
and in the heart
that once beated for you.

im shatter resistant.
sticks and stones may break my bones but you never broke me.
i became damaged, but never broken.
but damage heals,
like broken bones.
and like broken bones it’ll heal and be even stronger.

resistant to the next.
resistance to the next.
cesario Feb 2020
my head is full of static.
all programmes stop playing,
and all channels end.
mute all my crackling grey,
and turn off the television.

press my power button.

and i hope you stare in my silent black,
that stares back at you,
reflecting your reflection,
and reflect what you did to me.
and how you drained all my power.
cesario Feb 2020
you meant everything.
when you screamed,
shouted
and hurt,
it meant everything,
as you meant every thing.

— The End —