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cesario Feb 14
aphrodite’s blessings
on a blessed day of love
dressed in courtly roses
apart from lovers thereof

confessions of undying
to keep our flame burning
and with cupids curse
we stay apart, in yearning

my fingers still reach
as this distance churns
saint valentine saves
as distant lovers concern

in a ballad of love
lips passionately are one
slow dancing in desire
memories in long-run

vows of commitment
embedded in taste
chocolate stained lips
fade without a trace

for this day is ours
dearest love of mine
a day sweetest of all
for you are my valentine.
cesario May 2020
the silence screams louder than her.
in place where she no longer will.

the stillness sits as a reminder,
of the silence she once disturbed,
screaming at me.

with piercing frequencies,
of equally piercing words.

the silence is whole,
as i am once again.
cesario Apr 2020
everyday tastes the same.
bland todays mix with that of yesterdays-
its all the same.
with no flavour to rush my tongue,
i am sickened with the same bland taste of nothing,
everyday.

indifference clouds my senses,
day after day and night after night.
with nothing to differentiate mondays from the sundays,
i am only feeding into the downward spiral.
consuming me into the Nothing,
and i, too, become nothing.
cesario Mar 2020
if you’re thinking of me right now, or ever.
i want you to know something.

wherever you are,
however you are
and whoever you are now,
i want you to truly know just how much you hurt me.
and how much i hate letting you put me through pain (and daring to call it ‘love’).

yet i am incapable of hating you because there was a time i once loved you so, that all feelings ceased.
to the point where i was blind to everything that hurt.
however now, i am capable of saying i no longer love you anymore,
as i cant love you anymore.

as of writing, i am listening to ‘this side of paradise’.
a song that once bled meaning to us. listening to (what was once) ‘our’ song is no longer self harm, as no longer am i inducing breakdowns wondering where i went wrong.
because as of now i fully know-

you were everything that went wrong.

granted, i was never perfect.
no one was, nor can anyone be.
but i realised, with time and healing, that the reason i sought you in perfect ‘la vie en roses’ was because you made me blind to reality.
you subjected me to pain that was like of my mother and, as a result of trauma, i let your toxic ‘love’ foster me from reality.
and disgustingly you still chose to declare, in our final moments together, that i was like my mother.

i shut out reality as i desperately wanted you to be my reality.
and make ‘our’ reality a reality.

but i eventually realised that isnt a reality i wanted to live in, nor endure.
a life of toxic *** and gratifying love after infliction.
for love, i turned a blind eye all the signs.

by the time i recognised the signs, i felt it was too late for me.
i had fallen for you and into your trap too far and too hard to crawl back out.
i believed in your baseless pleas that proved time and time again false,
in the efforts to amend ‘love’.
but there was never ‘love’ to amend if it hurt this much.

and you taught me that.
the reason why i cant hate you was because you taught me what real love meant.
what love was supposed to feel like.
what love wasnt supposed to feel like.

you may not stand here today with me but your silhouette remains.
memory stands where you no longer do.
of what love, ***, pain, abuse and loss truly feels like.
a lesson spanned over the course of 5 months and 21 days,
is a lesson i will learn for the course of however long life will prove.

you are one of my life’s greatest lessons that i’ve learnt.
with time and numerous suicide attempts, i learnt that my side of paradise is not by your side,
and, in turn, your side of paradise is not by mine.

and now, for as long life serves, i will live.
for my sake, not yours.
and die for my sake, not yours.
and as lesson serves - anyone elses.

without the most tender memories you embedded in me,
and without the torments you in turn subjected me to.
my paradise is without you.


goodbye forever,
elise.
cesario Feb 2020
your voice plays like a broken record,
consuming me further,
and longer into the night.
cesario Feb 2020
my head is full of static.
all programmes stop playing,
and all channels end.
mute all my crackling grey,
and turn off the television.

press my power button.

and i hope you stare in my silent black,
that stares back at you,
reflecting your reflection,
and reflect what you did to me.
and how you drained all my power.
cesario Feb 2020
im dysphoric.
really really ******* badly dysphoric.
i dont have you here to hold me the way you held me,
and tell me all those warm reassuring words of comfort,
reassuring my masculinity,
and telling me just how much you love me,
and how much you cant wait till im your husband,
and how ill always be a man
and your man.

i miss how you told me my body was that of a roman statue,
how i was masculine and dominating,
how even my smell was that of a man,
and how my stature screamed nothing but ‘man’ and your ‘man’.

and now i have to sit alone,
wallowing in pain,
crying till all dysphoria is gone,
alone with no arms to cry in,
and no chest to lie my head on.

i have to face my worst pain alone.
with no words of warmth,
or comfort,
or reassurance,
to reassure my masculinity
and my worth.

i just want to ******* disappear,
or get taken back to august.
under the chinese arch,
when you held me in your arms.
even when i was crying you made me feel the most masculine,
and most strongest.

and right now i feel the most feminine,
and the most weakest,
without you.
more of a poetic vent than a poem.
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