you meant everything.
when you screamed,
shouted
and hurt,
it meant everything,
as you meant every thing.

03:31

it’s constant.
constant pounding,
constant screaming,
of your name.
reiterating of you,
and constantly driving me.

absent yet constant.
echoing through every crevice
in my mind,
and of the mind you reside.
constantly screamed to fill the silence you left.

every gap of nothing is filled with everything of you.

you reign over my sombers,
awake when im not.
when my conscious is taken,
you follow me into sleep.
only to wake to you
and sleep to you.
and wake to you.
and sleep to you.
and wake to you,
and yet another
daily,
cyclical torment,
where the only constant is you.

constantly
constantly
constantly.

my voice became hoarse.
i tried screaming to be heard,
but you chose to be deaf.
i cried out to you.
clinging onto whats left.
it pained me to cling,
for there was nothing left for us,
of us.

you ignored my cries,
i ignored the signs.

you tenderly tore me apart.
even when you ripped every shred,
it felt like home.

in all of life,
ive been without a home,
till your toxicity fostered me.
despite all roofs that were never home,
you became home to me.
with the warmest radiators that worked and sinks that never clogged-

you were my home.
but our household was toxic.
the roof you provided was my sanctuary from the world,
sheltered me from all bad.
but inside our house of carrot flowers,
harbored the greater bad.
in fear of homelessness,
i enabled your manifest under the roof of once love.
and for love i left the home that took me in and took me apart.

and i chose to be without a home.
with no warmth to retreat to in the coldest december of now.

you tried to break me.
but you didnt know that i was already strong.
im shatter resistant against your words that should have pierced but didnt.
i was already built to resist you.

im resistant to shatter because ive already been shattered before.
ive been broken and ive always been the one to pick up the pieces of glass and reconstruct the mirror.
and in the end of building it back, i just see myself more,
and the pained expression i bore through our relationship.

i fell for you.
your bathwater eyes seeped me in until i was swallowed whole by you.
and now im left in the dark, being swallowed in thoughts of you.
swallowed thoughts of you my immunse system cant digest -
so i threw up.

your toxicity poisoned my vessels.
replaced what was once me into now whats of you.
the lies you fed me coarsed through me till it became a part of me-
now apart from you.
i let your toxic violate me if it meant it never abandoned my body.
i hated being apart from you.
and now i only realise that is the consequence of drugging myself with you.
in my veins, blood, life
and in the heart
that once beated for you.

im shatter resistant.
sticks and stones may break my bones but you never broke me.
i became damaged, but never broken.
but damage heals,
like broken bones.
and like broken bones it’ll heal and be even stronger.

resistant to the next.
resistance to the next.

everyday tastes the same.
bland todays mix with that of yesterdays-
its all the same.
with no flavour to rush my tongue,
i am sickened with the same bland taste of nothing,
everyday.

indifference clouds my senses,
day after day and night after night.
with nothing to differentiate mondays from the sundays,
i am only feeding into the downward spiral.
consuming me into the Nothing,
and i, too, become nothing.

the silence screams louder than her.
in place where she no longer will.

the stillness sits as a reminder,
of the silence she once disturbed,
screaming at me.

with piercing frequencies,
of equally piercing words.

the silence is whole,
as i am once again.

your voice plays like a broken record,
consuming me further,
and longer into the night.

my head is full of static.
all programmes stop playing,
and all channels end.
mute all my crackling grey,
and turn off the television.

press my power button.

and i hope you stare in my silent black,
that stares back at you,
reflecting your reflection,
and reflect what you did to me.
and how you drained all my power.

i wish i held you tighter,
kissed you stronger
and taken in every detail
of your face,
if it meant it was the last time
id be holding,
kissing,
and taking in,
the girl i loved.

in the distance, a cry
of that less of a weep
you nursing her, tears dry
legs tangle in our sleep

too worn to remember
the jingle bells chime
to a merry day of december
we spend in this time

the warmest festivity
we all share as one
not to celebrate nativity
only how ‘we made it, ***’