my autumn promised me
one last great fall
and boy, did hell freeze over to shine
on me inevitably dropping this ball

and so it was
and i take solace that it's over
i'm free of this heartache
this cost of one hard-lessoned October

no more turmoil
no more heavy heart
i know what i did, i've learned and i'll pay
i have and will beg for a fresh start

to prove how much i love you
to show you no other way
to make this right in any form,
and enact for you that i will never stray

some will always doubt
some think i'm a cause never to be found
some will bury all their concerns
while some will cast me down

this is my cross to bear
and i want you to always know
you are worth every breath i have
and i have never, ever felt so low

whatever you choose
in this moment, today or tomorrow
i'm just glad you came into my life
and i never meant you sorrow

i'm sorry i ever hurt you
i'm sorry it couldn't be different then
i'm sorry i can't be good enough
to match you, a perfect ten
but i'll do whatever now
so you never have the burden to think
of those all those "remember when's....?"
or all that could have been's...

i love you, bobott.

i love to write
and pour my soul
into all i know and all i feel
but the urge is diminished
when the pieces just fit
when the day is done
and the world just works
and i'm all gratitude
with not a burden to write of

it's strange
it's because i'm content
some semblance of happy
from the peace i found
from letting it go
letting bygones be bygones
letting others control themselves
letting things work out
letting things fall through the cracks
letting the space take its time
letting the moments go by
letting the world turn
letting the waves roll
letting the clouds float
letting the rain pour
letting the sun shine
letting me be me
in all my glories
and all my fails

it was time to be different
than all that wallowing and gloom
and i'm still trying to find
just what changed in me
to turn my life around
and right now i know
it's a beautiful day
to talk about beautiful things
through the words i create
in this beautiful sentiment
that i call my own poem
it's about time i wrote one
that has some uplifting
to remind myself
to keep this just for today
with promise for tomorrow

long, hot days
and long, hot moments
give way
to me searching,
reveling,
for my atonement

it's never been fair
or ever been right
it's just so hard to care
when i keep it
long, far away,
and no where near sight

i've been carrying this
i may always will
this nonchalant tryst,
not over this.
because looks like these could ****

and so i roll on
some later day
will give way
to when the pawn...

my mind is wheeling
my thoughts are peeling
my brain is creaking
my synapses are snapping
my feelings are fleeting
my reality is reeling

...so nothing is really as it seems
i insist, to ponder this, all in tonight's dreams...

can someone like me be wrong?
what if
my wrong answer
was just that wrong all along?

because i want to shove you away
say "*******" or "don't"
before you ever
had a chance to say

that you love me or
you will stay
or not stray or
whatever the **** helps you not be alone

was it really just me?
was i all in your mind?
do you stalk me?
do you care?

whatever
my heart hurts
and it, i guess
it really doesn't matter
so i'll look away

but not tomorrow
tomorrow you are still real
and tomorrow, uhm, i'm too busy
because tomorrow i have planned for me
while you have her
and isn't that funny?
because i will always have me,
but maybe you won't
the day after that
or the day after that...

i'm one lost little girl
but maybe i'm in my place
you wouldn't know, wouldn't care
what's left behind this pretty face

and some people do
some people look at me
with such heartfelt love
and admiration
like i'm some angel
that's come from high above

but what about me?
what makes me so special?
what makes me nervous?
and, what, exactly, makes you think i will call?

i've fallen from grace,
can't you see?
i've terminated my soul
there's no brianna left to be

so *******
but you won't
and i'll be who you want me to be
i'll live this life with you
until i don't

i have found myself on auto-pilot
there's nothing i have to do
or i could
i could be anybody
doing anything or
i don't have to do anything i should

it's a dangerous game
these risks surely not worth the weigh
yet i know the rules
i'm good at it
i know how to get away

and that's just the start
not even the scariest part

so reckless
so purposeful
so damaging in any light
i press forward without thought
who cares what is your wrong
or what is your right

i'm making mistakes
i'm ******* up on purpose
it's all i could do
to change my entire apparatus
i'm somebody
and yet nobody
at least that anyone is to admire
i'm just me and today
i have no problem playing with fire