Is he really
the same guy,
i fell in love with
that one December?

Is he the same guy
who made me laugh,
made me happy,
every single day?

The same guy
who stayed up
with me for hours,
watching movies,
listening to music,
and who played
me, the most
beautiful music
on his guitar.

Is he the same guy?
Because i don't see it.

He once called me
beautiful,
now he doesn't
call me
at all.

I'm not going anywhere
And I know its the wrong place to go
I'm ashamed of myself
And rightfully so.

Let me post a selfie
how's my hair
makeup
angle
filter
how do I look
did I get likes yet?
Let me post a status
one about how much I love my besties
another on how I learned a new lesson
now here's a photo of my breakfast
I have to comment
like
poke
post new updates
every day
becuase that's just what you do nowadays,
that's just how it goes
because we're all so afraid
if we don't keep posting
if we don't get those likes
and invites
and pokes
and fill up our messages
and notifications,
that we're going to be forgotten.
That if we don't solidify our presence
on social media
then we don't have a presence at all.
We spend so much time
trying to make other people
think we exist,
that we never end up existing at all,
not really.
We don't need all these people
and confirmations
to tell us we exist.
we already do.
If only it weren't so easy to forget that.

Tonight was the night,

me and my husband were going to set the world a light,

We had everything planned,

even how to aim our clothes at the night stand.

Kids packed off to stay at their nan's,

nothing was going to ruin our plans.

I cooked up a romantic meal,

lit candles to get the right feel.

Everything was going fine,

until I started on the wine.

Hubby was running late,

this wasn't turning out to be that perfect date.

Three bottles down,

my head was spinning around.

Finally he walked through the door,

I screamed I couldn't take any more.

I knew he was telling a lie,

I could smell the perfume as he walked by.

I turn to him and scremed, tell me her name,

but the curtain touched the candle and started to go up in flames.

Suddenly the house was a blaze,

when it was all over, I was amazed,

I had to get closer, because I couldn't believe what I saw,

next to his ashes, a brand new bottle of perfume was lying on the floor!!

Move forward
breathing
thinking
sinking.
One day my imagination
will manifest with great focus
and concentration.
Yet still with great hesitation
I mosey more and more forward
Always moving in the same direction
So turned on by the world at large
I give not a **** who if any, is in charge
I release a sigh...
Empty pockets, spent my cash
But I bought some wine and I have some hash

A slap of madness in the face
Putting my thoughts in their place
All through that stratosphere
Dark matter that had left me here

Like smoke in my lungs, it is an acquired taste that I could not bring myself to quit. And now that I have, the flavor is unprecedentedly toxic.
2. Your name is merely a catalyst to my relapse. You turned your head away from it then, and I know you will turn your head away from it now.
3. To hear that beautiful arrangement of letters coming from my own lips only reminds me of the genuine smile on your face that you can only have when I am gone. And every time it makes me wonder if I truly mean it when I say I am happy for you.
4. I cannot reconcile what is with what could have been. Maybe if I was still yours and you were still mine, it would be endearing to say your name.
5. When it's 4 am and I am falling apart in my half empty bed, I cannot find the breath to utter your name between sobs.
6. I have spent too much time pretending that your absence has had no affect on me that I have not yet grieved. But, I could never pity myself without shouting your name into an empty void.
7. Maybe I am only idealizing you, but his name left a bitter taste and I have been craving yours on my lips.
8. I cannot say your name because I know that if you were to turn your head in recognition, I'd get lost in those blue eyes and fall for you all over again.
9. There is no logic behind how I inherited the right to say your name. Since you have left, this complacency is eating me alive and I am only left to wonder why someone so beautiful would have ever touched a soul like mine.
10. I cannot speak of your name any longer because it is no longer my privilege. It is hers to say now.

If you need me
at 4:00am
but never at 2:00pm,
If you call me "sugar"
but never "my love"
and the sweet things you say just float up above
like cigarette smoke
gone with the wind
then I need to walk
as far away
as my heart will allow
And forget this sin.