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mk Apr 2018
i am in a haze today. it is cloudy and beautiful outside. it is also pressing down on my chest and i struggle for air. i wore your shirt to bed last night and it helped steady my oxygen supply. i wish you were here to say my name and speak to me in my native tongue to remind who i am and where i've come from. i'm forgetting everything, slowly. recreating yourself is only good when you haven't done it five thousand times over. i just want to be me now. but how do i become me if there is no you? pick me up from the library and walk me to class. hold my hand and tell me that you will stay with me no matter how grey the sky is or how cold my fingers feel.
mk Apr 2018
today was a good day. i went to see the house i'm going to be living in next year. they have co-ed rooming, and i told my roommate that i wish i could have roomed with you instead. she wasn't hurt by it, she knows that you're always on the back of my mind. the rooms were nice, not too big but not too small. i think we would have been great roommates. anyways, i hope your day went well too. i know the weather's been getting warmer- do you remember the summer before last? that summer heat brought out the best (and the worst) in us. and when the electricity went out in the middle of the night and the room went dark in the midst of the summer heat. you told me not to worry because you know i'm afraid of the dark. i wasn't worried. i had you. the only thing worse than being single is not being yours.
this is going to be a series- i can feel it coming
  Apr 2018 mk
avalon
woooooo all the girls and boys goin crazy trying to make the boys and girls go crazy
we're all a LIttle crazy but not
generally crazy for another except in
the ways we have
deluded ourselves again and again
That is why we want
to drive another crazy because of the comfort
in a fellow insanity plunge
of scattered ingenuous kisses
i love you i love you i love ......................... the .. way you make me feel?
                              is this real?

life, love is self-circled
and fairy lights aren't half as romance as his hands
bloodied; hers trembling; was it the other way around?

collarboned and cheeky and it's ALL about the bones, right?  ***** ur reliability unless u have the eyes to back it up sweetie

trash talk is mainly between me and the mirror
recently
so here you go
mk Apr 2018
I want to call you and tell you I'm not okay. I don't want your sympathy. maybe all I'm looking for is your love. I want to tell and scream telling you its never been this bad before and I fear for my sanity. I want to tell you to cut the ******* and just come back already because you know it's always me and you and it's always going to be me and you ever since we met that one spring day in '15. I want to tell you that I remember you every time I feel happy and everytime I feel the need to cry. I want to call you and tell you to come back.

I want to call you and tell you I've never been better. I want to tell you that I'm eating well and working out. I'm doing great in all my classes and making ***-kicking money too. I want you to know that I dont even have time for love and even if I did, ive sworn off of it because I dont need a dead weight telling me what i can and can't do. I want to scream and tell you that you couldn't break me even though I loved you with everything and made you my everything. I want to tell you that I dont need you, and I dont want you either. I want you to call you and tell you to stay away.

I won't call you and there are things I won't say. love you or hate you, I guess you're on my mind either way. that says more than words could ever say.
I want to dig your grave and set fire to the stars
mk Apr 2018
~

who came first
the art or the artist?

i find myself
humming to your favorite songs
and wondering if i love
the music or the person behind it.

i was never big on bollywood movies
until you asked me to watch one with you
is it the plot and the dances that i enjoy watching
or is the memories of having watched it with you?

everytime i choose an outfit to buy
i think back to the colors you liked to see me in
i end up wearing shades of white and lining my eyes with black
perhaps to look beautiful, perhaps to look beautiful for the ghost of you.

my taste in art has changed vastly
i am in love with the culture, color and music
of the east and it makes me wonder
whether it is the brown skin of the people
or the brown skin of you
that has left its impression on me.

who came first
the art or the artist?

who came first
the love or the beloved?

who came first
me or you?

~
sometimes it feels as if you created me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrdRHsIkK_c
mk Apr 2018
it is in the in betweens
when your memory is
most real to me.
airplanes and 3AMs
in moments when i forget
who i really am.

cue confusion, cue pain
cue the struggle to remember
where i am and when i came.

my hands shake and i itch to
press the button with your name
i need to tell you that i am once again
in the in-between
asking (begging) you to
take me back as your queen.
i guess, though, you wouldn't break your queen in the backseat.
mk Mar 2018
he tells me he'll buy me a white house
with a picket fence and i laugh because
it sounds so absurd to me
why would anyone want to live in
this plastic world of despair
i mean, maybe i'm judging it too hard
but i just can't see myself
driving a mini-van with two kids
crying in the backseat complaining
and calling me "mom" as if they their
mother-tongue was not Urdu
i can't do soccer games and ballet lessons
or wait every night at 8PM to have a
family dinner
i am not anyone's wife in an apron
and there is nothing wrong with choosing
the american dream
just that its a nightmare for me
i want to finger paint the house a
million shades of rainbow
i want to tie a braid in my hair
and lie under the sun
let it kiss me until i'm brown
and free.
i want my children to blast
bollywood and dance with me
no choreography, just love
i want a husband who falls in love
with my henna covered hands and
the way i smell of the sea
i can't see myself settling to a world
where everything looks just the same
or a man who loves me in a clean,
innocent way
i know this sounds stupid and i'm not
one for crazy romance but
laughing during *** and screaming during fights
is something that feels more than alright
i like the edge and the stability in knowing
that you're not going anywhere, we're going
everywhere
i want my children to climb on their father's back
and tickle him until he cries
i want them to paint his nails
and tie his hair in little ponytails
i want them to go to the beach and not worry
about getting sand in between their toes
i want them to wake up in the morning
with their messy hair and lopsided smiles
i want them to run around the house
the way their parents did
chasing each other only to fall
into each other's arms.
he makes a seven figure salary and i said goodbye.
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