What is Consciousness?
The spirit as our inmost part is the inner *****, possessing God-consciousness, that we may contact God
The soul is our very self a medium between our spirit and our body, possessing self-consciousness, that we may have our personality
The body as our external part is the outer *****, possessing world-consciousness, that we may contact the material world

All around I look and I see hardened hearts
Though that’s what you told us not to do.
“Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion”
Down another bottle of anti depressants to make you feel stable tonight
Eat another plate of dinner to make you feel full, satisfied
Smoke one more joint to give you peace
Just one more drink to help you sleep, keep the demons away
Spend your money on one more shirt, you know, shopping therapy
And yet, still empty, hopeless

I know if I flip the switch I can experience the beauty but I feel the weight of the sufferings of this world on top of my shoulders
Loved ones passing away,
Children sick and dying,
****,
Torturing of the mind,
It holds me down, chokes me out

Breathe in, breathe out
That’s what I tell my daughter anyway
When her emotions are getting the best of her,
Stop, breathe in, breathe out
Notice 5 things for each sense
Count your fingers, 1,2,3,4,5
Sniff and smell 1)wax melt 2)mommy’s hair 3)your favorite stuffed animal 4)the blanket 5)laundry
Look at 1) bubby’s eyes 2)the blue grey painted walls 3)Azora’s yellow shirt 4)toys all over the floor 5)the fuzzy carpet
Listen to 1)the birds outside 2)the tv in the background 3)the fan in the bedroom 4)my breath, in and out 5)Azora’s laugh, one of my favorite sounds
1)take a drink of your juice 2)taste the cookies I just made 3)the inside of your mouth 4)garlic green beans, mommy and Azora’s favorite 5)daddy’s best omelette

And we’re back to calm waters

One night Jesus told me He forgave me
Of course I thought, what do I do to deserve this? Only He replied,
You are loved
And so my journey began, to become a fisherman of people
So I say to you, call out to Him as I did, admit your sins, whatever they may be, jealousy, anger, envy, lust, abuse, drunkenness, ****** immorality, pride, do not hold back because He knows what our thoughts are and what is written on our hearts. In doing so you will turn from the darkness, in to the light.

Notice the trees, the grass, the flowers, the waters, all the beauties of the Earth and then for one moment begin to imagine Heaven. There will be no sufferings, no night, no darkness. All colors will be more in depth, richer, fuller.
Imagine time and space all in one. One moment can last a lifetime and a lifetime can last for a moment
Being able to experience the past, present, future all at once  

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.“

You break me down like I am nothing
Nothing more than a piece of lent
Am I even that?  
I am undefined, habitually replaceable  
A mess of colors
Take me and bend me in two, I’ve always been used for others satisfaction
Use me up, swallow me whole
Knock me down, pin me, take what you wish
I am a set of tools to be used at your disposition
A heart ache so full it can reach the sun and does
The sun reaches out, those blazing arms engulf my being
And now
I am the sun
Hot- Rage
Passionate, volatile
The Sun; I-  
Casts shadows
And in those shadows hide fear, insecurities, unidentifiable trauma, anger, hostility, and the desire for definitive change

Perpetually displeased with the volcanic eruption of emotions, I turn to the orbiting moon and ask her:  
How do I learn to quiet the instinctive nature of burning rage of hurt held deep within my soul?

The moon takes her time to reply. I can only assume she is delving thoroughly into her thoughts, bringing the best answer possible to the surface. She says; fuel the rage with conviction, ideals and compassion. Learn to give freely of your love. Do not expect even gratitude in return. Invite change to come. Welcome pain, let it sit for a while and then politely ask it to leave. Do not shy away from fears, instead face them boldly. Ultimately realize that yes, you can cast shadows, but your light radiates above all. You are the center, so shine.

I remember when I used to wish that I could be one of those people who didn’t care about anything. one of those people who had an on and off switch, and whenever they didn’t want to feel a certain way they just flipped the switch. I used to beg for it. it never came, day after day I was the same. I was so emotionally unstable that walking against the wind cracked my bones.

Eventually my day came, but followed, was weeks then months after months of an empty void. I know I should feel angry or upset when someone says a cruel joke or another someone ***** me over or a friend decides to leave  but I dont. I feel like I've been scratched on the surface. There’s no depth to the hurt. No real feeling, no raw pain. The scratch doesn’t even need a bandaid. sometimes I wish I could feel again, but most of me doesn’t care enough to even have a wish.

The majority of my conversations are with myself. At one point in my existence I couldn’t be away from someone for longer than an hour without the anxiety beginning to set in. Today, an old friend and I met up and he told me I’m too quiet, I don’t seem like myself. I think that’s when it hit me that I am quiet these days, because I only talk to the little man inside my head. He and I, we don’t need to speak out loud. My friend asked me who I hang around now, and again I had no answer to give because I hang around me. I talk to me. Me and I, we are friends, and we are the only friends we need. Who else could understand me the way I do?

This wondering has brought me and I to a conclusion that maybe we are turning into ghosts. We think we are becoming more invisible as the days pass. We think it is okay.

In the midst of the commotion all I could see was you in every horrible aspect of your being
I was always the first to validate the repugnant acts you committed
You didn't care, neither did I

So high I can't feel my face
I'm so high I'm turning blue
But don't worry baby, this will all pass and I'll be miserable once again

When did drugs become my best friend?

You say you see me but you don't
You say you feel me but your touch is not near

Future me says this is a bad idea, but present me says this is the sweetest taste I've ever felt

So come to me ecstacy, acid, ***, shrooms
Be my guide until I find my way and make me feel when I feel nothing at all

I'm scared
Terrified, really
Because I'm so busy thinking about what's next that I'm not living in the now
I spend day after day wasted
I can't even remember the days of the week or what time it is
I'm so tired all the time and I'm sick
of everything, of being me

In a sense, I am broken,
but mostly just lost
I can't seem to figure why two selfish people
and one Holy God would create me?
Upon entering I am to live and die
Exactly what am I living for?
How do I, one being out of seven billion people, make a mark on the world?
It cannot be love I am searching for, because I am hopeless and blatantly disgraceful in that aspect
A mother, it cannot be
I am too dismantled to raise a breathing human being,
something that would solely depend on me
Besides, why would I want to bring someone helpless into a cruel and unjust world?

Lazy and obviously lacking ambition with dreams I will never uphold, is the simplicity of me

So therefore, you see, I am a lost soul
Breathing until I am finally deceased
The most unfortunate fact of this news is that I have years of breathing and holding absolutely no meaning

Hey, hey
I know it's kind of late, but-
I'm sorry I don't know why I'm calling so late or at all to be honest,
Well I do know
It's just-
Look I miss you so much and I'm so **** sorry
I love you and I need you to come back home, okay? Okay?

We had a rough time for a while and you disappeared and now I can't breathe, im just choking and, and-****

Baby please come home, please come back

I am constantly thinking people are doing me wrong
I can't shake the feeling that somebody is using me, tearing me down, has it out for me

But tonight I wonder if it is my fault
I feel like everyone hates me, I say this reasonably
Because maybe, if I was looking through another person's eyes I'd see myself hurting others
I'd feel someone elses pain

I am far from perfect, but I like to think my only good quality is kindness
But am I really kind?
Do I love fully?..
Whole heartedly?
Am I really who I say I am?

And so I am conflicted and perpetually confused completely with myself

Who am I when I'm not looking?

My world has stopped.
It's ceased to exist.

Every ounce of me is gone and no one is anywhere to be found
I am looking into a black hole, it's never ending
There is no light at the end of the tunnel

Everything's just simply vanished

But the funny thing is, the world continues to spin, day in-day out
All of me is empty, I swear to god if you knock at the place my heart should be, it'll sound hollow
Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things

Look into my eyes, they are empty
I'm just a ghost

every part of you wants to break free from whatever kind of pain this is
it is not the pain of losing someone to the heavens,
but instead of losing someone who is literally an arms length away
straight in front of you, so close you can smell her
touch her
so close you can speak to her

but she does not hear you
she does not feel you
she does not see you

and still, you will have hope
maybe, just maybe she will reciprocate the love

but,

you know what they say about hope, breeds eternal misery

and you will die
every porcelain bone in your body will shatter, your steady breathing will race, your mind will clutter
and your body will collapse

but you will wake up the next morning still breathing,
the sun will still be shining
the birds will still be chirping
the world will still be moving

it never stopped
time never ceased

but for you,

it did, and you died

and you are just a walking corpse now, going through the motions

Look, I’m gonna get straight to the point

see, I’ve been missing you for a while now 

and you know, it’s not the kind that makes me just wish you were here but the kind that drags me to my knees begging for breath, or to just stop it 

I don’t know man, you really ****** me up 

I’m having no luck w living this life w out you 

And tbh I don’t really want to

So could you stop being a lil ***** and kiss my neck again? 

I pray to ******* god, & I swear I don’t even believe in him, that you come back

I’m not sure if you meant to leave me to drown but you sure as hell did 

I’m trying not to remember but youre not exactly easy to forget

Especially the nights we drove in the car for hours and listened to music

I’d turn it up, you’d turn it down & then the talking would start 

And ****, I know..trust me..i know, we were never together but we were ******* something, weren’t we?

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve leaked a few words to my mother 
& relapsed w cutting 

******* you, ya lil ****** 
Fuckfuckfuck I can’t stop thinking about your stupid little laugh that I swear to Jesus Christ patched a tiny hole in my heart
I’m sorry this should be beautiful but honestly there’s nothing beautiful about you tearing me apart


How am I dying & you didn’t even flinch?

Bubby, all I needed was  you to take me away
You disappeared without me,
It's been two years since you left
You have your own family now

Two gorgeous daughters, and I wish they new me

My heart is coming through my chest, I don't think I'll have one soon

Bubby, all I wanted was to see you one more time
You didn't care though
Remember the day you told me to jump again? You said I was nothing

And im starting to feel that way.

I remember all those summer nights sitting on my rooftop smoking cigarettes while we would talk for hours on the phone

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember telling you I wished I'd never met you and how much of a ******* you were
Cause you broke my heart

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember how good it felt when you kissed me and the day we had ***, oh I thought it was love

And I wish that I'd forget

I remember how good you smelled and the way you smiled when you would get shy

And I wish that I'd forget

Do you remember when we compared hands? Yours were so big placed in the palm of mine

Do you wish you'd forget?

Ill carve your name into my forehead so every time I look into the mirror ill die a little more inside
Because your gone and I'm torn
I can't cope

So much for cardiac muscle because it ripped in half like a thin piece of paper

Ill stay up for three days and three nights writing you poetry you'll never read
And I'll burn it on my leg so it can soak into me, I'll never forget you that way

People will try to say kind words and ill save them in a canaster so I can sit them on your grave at midnight

Ill believe you will be coming back, ill live in denial

You're gone and I can't breathe
Words have escaped me

Maybe ill go to see you tonight
Oh please don't save me

Self destruction is my forte
It's so simple and relaxing in an inexplicable sense

****** knuckles, cracked from a wall
Scarred thighs, torn from a handy razor
Bruised arms, beaten from hardy hands
Red-ringed wrists, from a snapping rubber band

And it feels so good that I can't stop

'Mutilating' is how the doctors see it but 'saving grace' is how I feel it

And if one day my self destruction takes an unexpected turn to demise, know I cared for the weak and my family and music was a beautiful time consumer, but my time had come and down I went, but never without a fight

And when you sing to me mother, sing the songs you always hated
And when you search through my belongings, throw away all my hatred letters, you mustn't remember me that way
And when you finally paint, make it galaxies
They were always my favorite

You thought I had a heart
Until you learned it was carved from stone

It bled for you once, but you took it for granted

And he, he was so sad
And oh, so lonely

Until one night he jumped into the lake and swam to the bottom where he tied himself to drown

And I couldn't go on living with an empty space
So stone was carved
And my heart, he was replaced

You’re hands enclosed around my throat but all I saw were stars and your pretty face
I think I saw you lying face down in a ditch but maybe that was just a dream
You bit my arm with teeth sharp as knives but all I could feel was a kiss in depth
I pointed a gun at your face and you flashed a devilish smile at mine
You tied me to the bed and chopped off all my hair but I pretended you were an angel resurrecting me from the dead
And the night i snuck into your bedroom to surprise you with the moon you knocked me over and slit my wrists and throat
And still, I think I love you

I miss home so much
But it's not really home I miss

It's you.

My stomach feels tight and my airway is constricted
I want to cry tears of sadness
On your neck in the moonlight

I miss you so much it hurts

They say home is where the heart is, I'm no where near home.

I decided to give up January first, two thousand thirteen
Little did I know it was only the beginning
Of a long painful process that i surely endured
No way would I have gotten through it without my mom holding my hand the whole way
And it's not like she spoke kind words
We fought often,
Screaming hurtful things because we cared so much
Funny how you can love someone more than anything and the only way to show they matter is by fighting
This isn't a poem, this is only the truth of things

I woke every day wanting to end my life
No longer having the will to fight
But my mom held it all tightly knitted close for me

She was my strength and heart for the time being and I guess that's all anyone really needs

She made up for what I couldn't lay down
She held me at night when I couldn't hold myself together
She told me she loved me when I couldn't say it back

She was there when no one was and that sounds like a cliche but its just simply the truth

One and a half years later and she's still picking up my broken pieces and threading them back together

She says loving me isn't easy but Im worth every heart ache over it
Although it seems painful to hear its all I need to believe
Besides, someone must love me, right?

My lungs are tight
They're trying to breathe your name

My body's full of blood and scar tissue and you

You broke me when you said it was time to move on

Why is it that you don't love me anymore

All I can do is love you with every heart beat and all my soul
And I am sorry I can't stop

You seemed so confident when you said we were done and I was left lying in a heap on my bedroom floor curled up with your shirt

Your smell isnt enough to make me sane

Ill pour my tired soul on your floor to watch you trample over it in your hurried rush to escape through your bedroom door
Because my body is on fire
scorching every memory you have left of this horrific life you've lead

I haven't taken a breathe in a minute and twenty seven seconds
And I haven't seen you in a year and twenty seven days
And I'm still in love with you
I'm beginning to see stars

I want to be the one you call to carry you home when you're too drunk to stand

every time I say your name my throat fills with something sticky

I wonder how you feel when you think of me and 
you’re pouring out of my veins tonight, I won’t stop it 


Alcohol will take over my body and you two will be in control 
I bet ill drunk text you-
maybe even call 

And sing you my favorite song while praying to ******* god you understand the lyrics is all the **** I can’t say 


And baby ill cry to you and i swear to jesus christ I love you with all my heart


ill beg to hear you say my name just one time and pretend you’re screaming I love you with every ounce of strength your vocal cords have in them


My throat is sticky with your name

I wanted to kiss your forehead and tell you it would all be okay so ******* bad
But it was cold and you were tired and wanted to sleep because you're a mess and I'm depressed and you don't look at me with galaxies in your eyes like I do you and I knew we'd never work
I should've just kissed your ******* forehead
I'm a wreck

Ive been breathing the same air for seventeen years, two months, and twenty-six days
and for six of those years
I've felt the same pain-staking, aching feelings for you
my heart has been crushed and stomped by your beautiful and terrifying hands and feet
god knows if you ever wanted me back id be there in a heartbeat
since you've been gone I'm not okay
I wonder if I should send myself to hell since you don't love me anymore
you have a thousand different worlds in your skeleton and your mind is full of words I could never understand
but your veins are made of ice and the hole where your heart should be is vacant
i used to secretly listen to you sing in the shower and i always wondered what your vocal cords were made of
they sounded tough as rope and i thought if i ever needed to **** myself i could use them
you're extravagant like winter especially at night when the ice hangs on the naked branches and snow has just fallen with nobody to trample it
your hair reminds me of a wheat field and your hips are shaped so definitively
your eyes dance and your fingers could do the perfect whip stitch

and i can't stop missing you
and i might as well be dead without you

At the very bottom of the ocean is where you'll find my body
you said you lost your mothers locket and I jumped for you
little did I know you were just playing a joke
you might as well have wrapped your greasy fingers around my throat and squeezed until I saw stars at least id have gone seeing something beautiful and have your skin to touch one last time
instead I let seaweed do the choking and fish do the touching and I saw no stars only a greedy laughing face that very much resembled yours

Every time i look at the lights on my ceiling i think of you and every time i smoke a cigarette i try to smoke you away

mist in the morning sky is what I wish you were but waves in the ocean is what you are and day after day you're there

and as much as I try not to look at your house when I pass your road I do

moments without you are like millenniums without you

I'm having trouble breathing with the thought of you pressing at the center of my mind and your hands feel as if they're wrapped around the front of my throat

I don't see much anymore except the color of blue just like your eyes

trying to **** the pain of you is tearing me down
I'll be shredded trash before I know it

I go to the ocean a lot these days to try to block the noises out like the sound of your voice in my ear canals every half a second

its a shame you don't love me anymore because I'm having trouble loving anyone else

My body's in sync with his, moving to the rhythm
but my minds off chasing the thought of your yellow-gold hair and ice blue eyes

he keeps asking if it feels right
and its so hard to lie
because I miss your hand on my thigh
so now I'm trying not to cry
I can't get air with hair blocking my windpipe

id like to tell you you're ****** in the head and you've made my life hell
but its hard to say ****** things to ****** people that you just so happen to love

I hate how much I miss your loud, obnoxious voice
but I remember how much I love the sound of it when you're speaking so quietly
and the way your hips curved underneath my finger tips
and the way you explain such difficult situations with such simplicity

its bad when every love song reminds me of your face

and your lips are like coming home after a long trip away

I think the most odd thing for me is
I can't steady my breathing

I either forget to breathe
or breathe too quickly

I'm sure its because I think of your face and your body and your lips on mine

this isn't healthy

I'll **** myself to
make you feel whole

I'll lie to make
you feel alive

I'll hold my
breath and turn
myself blue to
make you feel
brand new

I'll wish my
life goodbye
to make you feel
self-confident

I'll bleed pints
of blood to help
save you

Trickling blood became a common scenery for me

It was once a promised high,
Something I looked forward to at night

But like everything it got boring and when I tried to split my skin in two to feel something after you, I was numbed
Your face is shown in my nightmares,
Mostly you die

Slitting your throat is your favorite game to play

Your body is pressed to mine when a gun shows and blasts your brains on the wall behind us and I'm left supporting your limp body

But sometimes you call me to the top of a building and you say goodbye, I cry, beg and plead, while you lean backwards, drifting down the bottom of a sea of people

Stop haunting me

My knees are shaking
and my palms are sweating, which they never do, but because of you they happen to be

and I'm going to slice so far into my skin that I'll be gasping for breaths because you're leaving me (or you've left already)

I'm not so sure I'll get through the night
but I sure as hell can try
even though razors and pills and nooses are clouding my thoughts

because if there's one thing I can do its let you go and still be alive when you come back

Day six; 6/15/14
You doing this feels like torture

I think you want me to tell you I hate you

I cannot and will not, nor do I

but I'm losing my mind and body trying to patch you're brokenness

Day five; 6/14/14
you didn't answer me today
no matter how long I fall apart over you, you're name never reads across my phone screen

I wish so much that I could be glad about my living days
and love my nights even more
but instead I keep my mind busy in the daylight and cut my thighs til I fall asleep in the night time

I used to think you were the vest parts of me
now I'm beginning to believe you are the worst of me

you've ruined me

you stole my breath right from my lungs
and my heart right from my chest
and you don't care that you left me lifeless
you stole from my mind
you stole my words and made them yours
you stole my spine
the one and only back bone I had
now you've got two and you use them to say whatever hateful words come to mind


you stole my beating heart right from my chest and just threw it in the trash

Day four; 6/13/14
Today's Friday the 13th. I didn't talk to you today. I didn't have to think about you for two hours while I slept in the day. I didn't dream of you or anything. Needless to say, I saw your face the rest of the day.
I cut my things last night while thinking about you. My breathing a raspy today, but surely there.
The four chambers of my heart aren't pumping blood as they should because you've filled all their spaces.
X-rays have confirmed your hair falling out of every hole in my chest are.
I miss school these days because at least I knew you had a place to escape that was safe.
Now you're going away -running away- to the Air Force and I'm terrified you'll never return.
You turn eighteen on September 5th.
You'll officially old enough to leave.

I can't watch you go.

Day one; 6/10/14
I got your text in the van at the ballpark. I'm sitting shot gun with my mom next to me. I need to cry but I can't.

Day two; 6/11/14
I can't breathe. My chest is swollen. I'm so mad I want to punch you. I want to knock your door down and kiss you. I'm dying not being able to speak to you. I love you so much. You've bled poison into my veins. I ache everywhere.

Day three; 6/12/14
I told my counselor that I was gay today. I haven't told her that I love you yet. I want to break all ten of my fingers just to keep from texting you. I need to inhale you again. Please tell me what you did was a mistake.

Night three; 6/12/14
I talked to you tonight but you were very mean. I think it is bad that I don't know if this is the new you or the hurt you. I hope you're around for me to find out. I'm in this for the long haul.

"It must
be horrible
to live
your life".

I tried to
forget you
but you're
trapped under
the skeletons
in my closet

I want you
And I want all of you
I know this because when I think about simply kissing you, my heart thumps wildly out of control
And I get butterflies
All while being turned on

I want you, but I don't know why

You're stubborn and loud
And clearly annoying
You're set in your own selfish ways
And still, I cannot figure out why I'd carry you home after you got sloppy drunk
Or why I'd jump in front of a bus for you when you wouldn't even bat an eye for me
Why I'd kiss you after you held a knife to my throat
Or why I'd mend you after you punched a hole through my bedroom wall
I couldn't tell you why I'd do these things, but I would

And I can't figure out if that's love or insanity