sometimes i think i need it
sometimes i think about hitting you up
i think about asking to talk
i think about just texting it all
i think about just sending you a song
but
then i realize
i don't need closure
and deep down i know i'm not reaching out for it
i need chaos in my life
and calling you was always the easiest way to get it
i know i'm not looking for closure
i'm looking for a fight

maybe it's not that i want you in my life
maybe i just don't wanna let go of that part of my life
the part of my life where i let you come and go as you please
the part of my life where i let us pick up where we left off
where i let us ignore the fact that things are different and time has passed
but we don't really talk about those parts
we don't address the girls you tried it with between our stops and starts
we don't mention the bad things i've done with boys i shouldn't have
and even when i finally bring myself to say out loud that it did hurt and does hurt everytime you do this to me
i still let you hold me in your arms while i cry about you
i still try to make you laugh while crying about you
i still kiss you goodbye after crying about you

you asked me not to hate you
and i don't
i hate the way you make me feel
you make me feel embarrassed
i don't tell my friends about you anymore
because who wants to say they're a night-time girlfriend
that their boyfriend hits them up about once week when the suns down
that they're the midnight, no one's around, backseat make-out
you make me feel like an idiot
because i still want to be with you
because even while writting this i know that if you hit me up tonight i would go with you

i hate you

i hate the way you smile to yourself like the world inside your head is constantly better than the world with me in it

i hate the way you tap along to silent beats as if your ears are flooded with better melodies than my voice

i hate the way you roam these halls as if you're looking to float away from me

i hate the way you fill your notebook with tales where you're the sole heroine as though i'm not here as well

i hate the way you make me wanna be selfish

making me want to busy your mind with me

making me want to be what you smile to yourself about

making me want to hold you down so you can't tap along to the beat of someone else's heart

making me want to hold your hand like an anchor because you can't leave just yet

making me want to write a world in which it's you and i against the odds

making me want to paint over your heart so no one else can find it

i hate loving you

because loving you is far too consuming

because loving you seems so single sided

because loving you means loving a ticking time-bomb
ticking away until you finally disappear
and you tell me it's not me you're looking to leave
but if that were true
you'd think you'd invite me to disappear as well


i hate that i love you

i'm sorry
i know it wasn't meant to be like this
i wasn't meant to feel more
more than butterflies
more than a rush
more than lust
i know i messed up
i know i got greedy
i know
and i'm sorry
sorry that i loved you
sorry that i felt beyond
beyond a small backseat
beyond your navy sheets
beyond late night meets
i'm sorry i felt more
more than you would match
i'm sorry

i don't know why that night was so ****
i don't know why that was the night i couldn't handle things
i don't know why it felt like the world was crumbling down on me
i don't know why i let myself **** up
i ****** up progress
i flushed 3 years without self-harm down the drain
and then things kept spiraling
my best-friends were at a party
and i was walking around campus alone
and i was more scared of what i'd do to myself than what strangers could
so asked a friend to just keep me from being alone
i asked him because i expected nothing from him
and his judgement meant nothing
so he wouldn't disappoint me
and i couldn't disappoint him
and he may be a bad person like my best friends say
but he was what i needed that night
and they're never gonna understand what that really means
they can't comprehend that it wasn't a matter of seeking comfort elsewhere
it was a matter of survival
and to make it through that i night i couldn't handle anyone caring too much

my father taught me love is conditional
that you can stop loving the people you promised the world to
that you can pack away their things as though they never occupied your heart
that you can go through the daily motion without thinking of them
that you can fill their seat at the dinner table with someone else
that you can carry on with the holidays as though no one is missing
that you can give up

my father taught me you can say i love you & goodbye without missing a beat