i love the way rain falls
&
you love the way it crashes

and i feel like somewhere between those lines there's a conclusion i'm meant to draw
maybe one where they simply explain why loving each isn't necessarily enough
especially when we don't love each other in the same way
especially when i'm beginning to wonder
wonder if maybe you only love when i'm at my lowest
if maybe i only love you when there's still time to pretend
pretend that maybe you won't stop falling
that you won't join me crashed out on the cement
that maybe this time is different

i was tired
and so i slept
i slept
and slept
till i woke on my own
and then i slept some more
until i couldn't anymore
but i was tired still
i dressed myself anyway
and went to school
my eyes were heavy
as were my arms
and legs
and head
i dragged myself about
quite like a corpse
or perhaps a puppet
though i was not the puppeteer
for i don't recall raising my hand
or moving my mouth
but i do recall what i heard
i heard myself say
"i'm too tired to speak
too tired to eat
too tired to think
and too tired to sleep"
yesterday i was tired
today i am tired
tomorrow i will be tired
i will stay tired
because
because when i say i am tired
i do not mean i need a nap
i do not need sleep
trust me i have slept
and slept
but i don't wanna sleep my life away
i am tired because...
well i'm not sure why

today i gave in
i gave in to what as been eating away at me
for
ten
months
i gave in to who has been sat in the corner of my mind
for
ten
months
i reached out
it was a simple hello
i got a simple reply
and nothing more
what did i expect
did i expect to go back
back to ten months ago
when we were fine
when a simple hello was met with more
when i was something to him
something more than simple
yes
i thought i could go back

i feel like a feather made of lead
heavy
so heavy
but only in the head
because my chest feels paper thin
as though every breeze pushes me down
because i feel as though i am gliding through this world
as though i am not apart of it
because i wish i wasn't
i wish i could just disconnect
for just a second
or two
(or more)
i wish i could just exist
because right now i feel as though i'm drowning
as though every troublesome thought that fills my head is pulling me under
further and further
beneath the waves
further and further
from the sun rays
closer and closer
to disconnecting

i don't miss you
i don't want you in my life
or near it
i know better now
i know i deserve better now
because i don't deserve being treated like a ***** secret
like a toy that makes you feel like a man
i know what we had wasn't real love
it wasn't even second best
it was two broken people desperate to feel anything
broken people breaking more in each other's arms
i know it's time for me to really move on
because simply not texting you isn't moving on
it's time to evict you from my head & heart
it's time to really heal
because apathy isn't healing
it's time to learn to love
with someone worth loving

i have nothing new to say
i am the same tv static as yesterday
watch me fail to form a single sentence
watch me become a ball of fuzzy feelings
watch me as others look to me annoyed
watch me as others give up and leave me
watch me when no one else will
watch me
even when i stay the same tv static as yesterday

i love the way you make me feel like the world is caving in on me

i love the way you make me feel small

small enough for you to crush between your thumbs

i love the way you catch my words as they spill from my mouth

i love the way you serve them back

but not before you add your own venom

it's so much easier to hate you
easier on my heart
easier on my mind
hating you keeps me from running through
every single i once knew you
hating you keeps my heart at bay
far away from skipping for you
far away from stopping for you
far away from you
it would be so much easier if i hated you
acting is second best

it's like running toward a cliff

you know you're gonna fall if you don't stop running

but you can't stop your legs

your mind is moving faster than your feet

conjuring up things that could be waiting at the bottom

you don't know how far the edge is

you have no idea when you'll finally fall

the moment you do finally crash

you'll wish you could go back to running

back to not knowing

let's capture this moment
preserve it in a frame
record it on a page
let's do anything
to ensure it won't die with us

i want moments to remember
when i'm old and frail
i want photos to show
to my children and their's
i want the story of
you
&
i
to be told long after it's end

why is it now when i grasp your hand

you don't squeeze back

as if you're scared

scared i'll shatter in your grasp

you never seemed so concerned

before

loving you means keeping my mind free at night
because nighttime is when you make me wonder
make me wonder how many stars had to die for us to see this sky tonight
make me wonder how i can be living a life so beautiful
so beautiful because i can hear your thoughts
because i can hold your hands
because i can hold a place in your heart
because a kiss can make me forget
forget the blue girl who spends her days wasting away
forget how slowly night comes
but i can wait
and i have waited
waited for warm silences
waited for the stars to fall
waited for the moon's soft song
waited for empty rooms to be filled with dreams once broken
when the sun begins to stand
i can walk away
walk to a bed less empty
because the memory of you is close by
i can rest without fear
because loving you makes me wonder
what was so scary before

did i fall or throw myself into the abyss?
did i **** myself or finally become a hurricane?
a beautiful storm catapulting toward the main land
destroying everything in my path
including the cement
and finally fizzling out
fizzling out like a firework
loud and eye-catching
catching the eyes of passers-by
and camera lens
before my foot goes over the edge
i ask myself
would my dad think it was an accident?
would my mother?
or brothers
or sister
or friends
would they think it was an accident?
or would they know
would they know i've been struggling to stay afloat
would they love my shattered corpse
or memories of what i was before the storm began to form