body...
it hurts
and I can't do it anymore.

But its okay... just sometimes,
No. I can't.

"Can't what!!?"_ you shriek

Everything:
Its painful to get dressed,
coming out from the curled, soft, blankets
it hurts
my head, eyes, and  body
I can't explain why or how.
I can't explain my self
not anymore.

I can't be fake
anymore
talking **** all the time.
I can't hide these feelings.

I'm scared.
not knowing where I am
blinded of where I'm going,
doing my best to cover all this chaotic mess
with a smile,
the smile everyone exclaims they love so dearly.
A smile just to get me out the door and through the day.
And Why
And  How
!!!
How do these **** Lovely Beings see all this good,
all this beauty, hope and fragile kindness..
all this peace and passion.
How..!
can they see all this, behind that smile..
Telling me these sweet gentle words,
words I truly try to believe in!
words I forget to believe in
words that I find so hard to see,
all these wonders
people talk of.
I get so lost in myself,
trying to find these wonderful sweet words
of calm seas, and humble peace
those words,
people exclaim to me.

But its Hard
and most days..
I just can't.

So I'm sorry if I get down and all shades of blue,
of lost
and scared.

But these horrible words:
'I can't'
Have Haunted me since forever.
those terrible two
words..
spinning around in my miserable, lost, mind.

Causing my body to hurt so
with all these sleepless nights.

But its Okay!
No worries

its Just...
at times it hurts so
that I look in the mirror and see
lost, tired, scared, sad, eyes
staring so freighted back at me.

Asking why, I could possibly hurt so..

But for now.
Sorry, my lovelies
that I hurt so

Maybe someday,
I will truly believe in calm seas and shining peace
with radiant skin
shinning with blinding passion.

I don't like when people ask me:
"How are you doing"
So casually!!
I can never give them a real answer
The simple one they want.
So I lie to myself
Trying to feel something better..
"pretty good"
"I'm, (afraid) alright"
"Doing well"
When really
I honestly don't know how I feel..
And its frustrating
That I lie
Not being able to give you
the answer you want
Not being able to say
What my heart wants..

To travel, working hard to help others
*never returning to the place I once called home

When I'm no longer here...
I do not want to see mournful faces
With tears streaming down all your faces.
When I'm no longer here, I dont want to see my loved ones dressed in black and white.
Instead I want to see different colors of variety.
And when you look up at the night sky,
I truly hope you smile, laugh and simply think of me.
Of all the gentleness I had in my tiny little body, of the way I loved to dance to jazz.
The wishes I held dear to my heart, the tunes I always hummed about.
My lovelies.
Know that I loved you.
Each and every one of your precious souls.
And all those small infinite moments.

Today is the day;
And my time with you has come to an end,
thank you for not playing sorrowful music,
with a tiny sad violin.
Because you know as well as I,
That's not for me, at least not today.
So thank you for bringing in a big band, with a sweet riverboat swing.
Now that I have come and gone
Know that I will always be with you, watching over you.
Dancing with you in your hearts always.
I am no longer here,
But thank you for holding your head up high for today.
Be strong my dear!
And just think of me dancing and singing.
Because you and I know that no matter how old my heart and bones,
I never stop jiving.
So I hope you continue to smile for me daily.
And maybe dream a little dream of me.

~b.v.r

Truth is,
you don't even know
Half
Or even apart of who I am!!
I am probably
The most wicked chaotic mess you'll ever feel
Or lay eyes on.
(that's a lie, that is only how I feel)
...
Laughing for me is like
Morning coffee for others
Or like reading the paper,
Watching the News every morning.
Laughing cures my soul daily.
People and sweet harmonies and melodies
are reasons I smile.
Yes. That's truly me.

I am the way the sun shines
when rain drops sprinkle down gently
from light gray skies.
I am the giddiest soul you'll ever meet
with eyes as bright as the winter's northern night sky.
I am the little girl jaunting around the store,
singing love songs and sweet romance
trying to get through the grocery list.
I am the young soul, that wishes harder
every year that passes by.
sweet wishes of great wonders.
Yes. I'd have to say..

I am one to hold on to people
Hard..
Believing in every single aspect of their dreams
Seeing how wonderfully made they are
Gleaming at them in awe!
Yeap.
This is me.

Believe it or not.
That is your take on my wonderful world.
Believe it or not.
That is for you to decide
to believe and see
how deep and gentle this
Lady's heart is.

I am of many wonders

Too many to count.

Who am I?

I am someone of a dream.
A dream only few
Dare to believe!

Yes, this is me
Mi Vida
El mundo mia
Tan Bonita.

-b.v.r

The hours bloomed into mirth around the driftwood fire,
and I whole heartedly wished to watch the old year out with you.
To be abundantly glad.
In the middle of no where,
With you..
getting lost in our constellations,
cigarette smoke and
our giddiness talk of nonsense.
Laying among the whispering winter night,
the tall pines singing goodnight,
and the glow of moonlight sparkling off your soft smile.
Your eyes melting gently into me and the hidden places of my soul.
Truly being as if it was our last midnight,
goodnight wish.

b.v.r

I wish
For my soul to not
Feel for a very long time.
My head and heart
Are so ******* tired
Of lost emotions and misplaced
Love.

I wish to turn off my soul
and all its ability to fall in love
just for a short while!
not forever!
My heart strings have been
Plucked and played with,
recklessly,
So much so that
I deeply wish to never hear it's pumps n strings profess its
Honest, unbelievable love.


This love so ****
Unbelievable,
Only my creator and savior
Knows my
Incredible passionate pain
Of loving.

I want to be done
My heart n mind.
Soo done.
I deeply wish
For a switch to turn off
For a long time.

I promise.
for this misplaced love
to never wonder off again,
I promise
to switch myself off the best I can
it will be pure hell for a short while.
But I'm exhausted from this never ending
Circle of hell
Called love.

I'm turning off now

Goodbye my old heart.

-b.v.r

Does not give you the luxury to prepare you for a bad day,
you always have to be ready,
prepared to fall down...
at any moment.

It has no reasoning,
making no sense.
It is not patient,
convenient,
or loving or caring,
no..

It is in fact, just the opposite.

I could go on and on for another 500 words
to try and explain,
with all the different possible adjectives to describe
the feelings that come
with these terrible two nightmares.

But that is exactly all they are..
They are like,
Grey Nightmares.

They are the days where you feel a heaviness,
in your head, like a 5lb. weight.
They are the days were you can physically feel
the dark, heavy, cloud above your head,
and the rain sitting on the edge of your lower eye lid,
making your eyes all heavy and sad.

It is exactly that,
cloudy, sad, never ending might mares.

Anxiety and Depression

can't begin to explain to your love ones,
how sorry you are,
for feeling the way you do,
for ruining a night that was supposed to be great.
for the feelings of unexpected sadness,
and worry.

But it is just that.
It is
unexpected,
and heavy,
cloudy and grey..

And so many words
can only try to explain,
such unexpected pain
and worry.

b.v.r.

You know what!
at times
I envy the people who don't have strong deep feelings racing around their heart 24/7 !

you know why?!?!

cause it feel like a curse.

it feels exhausting caring about so much all the time
feeling so many emotions in one day,
that you start to go numb.

I envy you people who are able to have a quiet mind.
Who are able to silence all the racing thoughts.
Who aren't able to feel all the possible crazy emotions.

At times I Envy you people.
Because then you are able to get a good nights rest
and are able to get out of bed happy in the morning.

Because, you people don't tend to ball your eyes out
when trying to drive home.
You people don't cry about all your worries, fears, and frustrations,
or when you hear a song or a certain set of chords that make tears roll down you face.

I Envy you!
Because at times,
I feel cursed,
I feel broken, lost, and stuck in these emotions.

But then there are the times,
were this curse of mine,
feels like a blessing.

Because, when I my heart feels all the different shades of the color; happy.
I feel weightless, infinite, lively.
so alive, my heart feels like its sparkling through my eyes.
like I'm on cloud nine.

And this is when my curse of emotions
feels like a blessing

b.v.r