I haven't thought of you in months.
I haven't said your name in years.

I hold no ire for you,
or the apologies I sent to you desperately
that you'd never accept.

and I'll always ******* care,
but I can't bring myself to care about anyone
that's walked out of my life
and slammed the door
anymore.

I'd love to rehash a friendship,
I'd love to apologize till my mouth bleeds,
I'd love to figure out
the sins I've committed
and all that went wrong.

but that's not my life
anymore.

I'm in love
with someone I cared for,
before I ever loved you.

I'd love to make amends
but there's no way
I can fix what I did
anymore.

so thanks for the memories,
and thanks for being who you are,
who you were,
and who you will be.

I will always care.
I just can't care as much as I'd like to
anymore.

Laying on his chest seems to work to help the stress.

I miss him.
Where are you.

I’m tired, I wish I could sleep more.
I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.
I practiced my fake smile, I might need it today.
Black clothes are my favorite, I put a black band t-shirt on.
I put my hair up, I look in the mirror again.
I see a broken hearted girl with parents who don’t love her.
I want to die; I don’t want to fight or struggle anymore.
I wanted to get away from my parents, I still do.
I don’t want to keep moving around.
I feel like a piece of furniture that people buy and then later sell.
My birth-family didn’t want me, my adoptive parents don’t want me do they?

i miss having an old
plastic box at the
foot of my bed

i miss having
motivation
inspiration

i miss
me

(i'm sorry
okay?)

the only thing
that makes sense
at all anymore
is music

all the black and
white patterns
crawling up and
around my legs

and i lost hundreds of pieces
of transparent music
just left myself
some lead sheets
wrinkled from
artificial humidity.

it just feels
wrong
okay?

i feel wrong
okay?

i discovered
the hard way
the truth

that i like people
on an individual
basis and hate
established institutions

(i'm
sorry
okay?
i'm
actually
really
sorry
okay?)­

i also discovered that
many people actually
like me and somehow i
misunderstood their intentions

(which were undeniably
good but you know
what i've always said
about good intentions.)

regret
regret
flashing neon
regret
guilt
guilt
strangling black
guilt

a plastic box viewed
by me is not a
plastic box viewed
by you

and i want my
plastic box back

the plastic box
i remember
the me
i remember

i want my
plastic box back

i was tripping over it
kicking it for probably
about six years

the yellowed
broken handles
dust in the bottom
it's more than just
a box and more like a coffin
of the last forty years and my past

i remember giving it up
sliding it right under our
old mailbox and handing
over the laptop that was

never mine but always
felt like it and then
walking down the
stairs and out into
the blazing parking lot
like i wasn't a new person.

today i put a laundry
basket full of blankets
where it used to sit
and every time i turn
around i think it's
there again

i'm having
flashbacks of
some stupid
plastic box

(like when somebody
dies or leaves your life and for
awhile it keeps hitting you that
they're just not around anymore)

God and mark
(probably sharons
and kate too)
only know where it is

but i know where
it is not
it's not in my kitchen
it's not in my room

**and i want my
*******
plastic box back.

The world was running
From its point of view
While I closed my eyes
To myself and focused
On all the people I could be
Why pick one person
When you can be everyone?
Except everyone becomes
The person that you are
And like the earth
You're spinning on an axis
Chasing your tail
Moving so fast
The stars aren't points
they blur into sharp lines
Just like photographs
Your shutter was open too long
And you we're double exposed..
Everyone shows on your no one