i remember this one conversation
with such clarity it alarms me
in the dead of night
with a longing for ecstasy
seeping through his tone he asked me,
"could..you imagine....what..life...would be like...if we weren't..mentally ill?"
and with that question
my hanging heart
sunk even lower into its pit
due to jealousy and frustration
for my cursed blessing
and i was confused on how
for i had believed my heart already laid
at what i'd thought to be
rock bottom
well besides that,
he did provoke me
to question
is there is a chance
for my heart to find
its rightful place
in my body
yet again?
and maybe along with it
all of my chemical receptors,
and my neurological network of pathways
could all find their own
harmonious balance and natural sources
of dopamine, serotonin, and epinephrine
and have them work "flaw"lessly  
just, way they were originally created to
when the goddess of mental
crafted these things with such care
and gifted those beautifully painful things
to humankind
****
the unholy things i'd do to obtain
the goddess of neurotypicality's
scientific? spiritual? situational?
whatever the **** is in her elixir of secret
for mental peace and serenity
that few were blessed with unconditionally
to me it just sounds like magic
but back to him the only way i could reply
was with,
"i could only dream"
for i believe
in a lifetime of mine past
i may may have made a deal
with the devil of neurodiversity,
a fallen angel without malice,
who simply forgot
to grant me the knowledge  
of how i would be reborn
into a world
where its society
would be unfit for me and my kind of mind
and with that thought lingering i added,
"but yeah...it must be nice"

i used to listen to you speak of icarus
your eyes would widen
with fascination and fire
as the myth reemerged in your memory
you spoke to me
with every syllable so delicately selected
and i would listen to you
awestruck by the way
you taught me your historic tales
you made time stop
while letting me experience
what felt like an eternity of bliss
in your sunlight
you crafted your word with your heart
and used your voice as it's vessel  
and i would sit there dumbfounded
so pleasantly paralyzed
by the pure passion
behind every single breath
that you spoke to me softly
each and every last one
of those nights we shared
your sunlight never failed to shine
no matter how dark
the settings of your stories were
but i remember
the feeling in my gut that day
the day i truly understood your passion
for that one tale
i'd still beg to hear you tell to me once more
it was the day you told me
i flew too close to the sun for your comfort
but when i soared through our sky
i melted so effortlessly into your sunset
but you believed my wings
were too close to your flames
so as i basked in the rays of your sunlight
you to pushed me away from them
so that i'd fall and crash
into the ocean right below me
your attempts to cool off
the burns that never were
you were petrified i'd be scolded but now
i've been swallowed by a sea of sorrow
and the lonely stars of the night sky
so frigidly cold
without your hearts heat
to keep me warm
i know you wanted to save me
from bearing the fate of icarus
but the only thing that's burning
is the hate that i hold now
for this rendition and how
i feel i'm farther from the sun
than the day i first dreamt to reach it

i am not icarus,
but your heart
beams brighter than the sun
and if i could construct wings made of wax
to reach the heat of your heart once more
i'd do it before that anxious little *****
could even strike a beat
if only you would just allow me
to melt all over again
in the rays of your sunlight

i would trust you
to touch me anywhere
but as i say this
my physical body
is the last thing i have in mind
for i wouldn't mind
but there are so many other
pleasureful parts to me
that i'd let your finger tips graze
even more sensual  
than what just my skin
and my soft words in your ear
could do to stimulate you
emotionally
that's is,
if you're comfortable  
to feel everything
that i hold close to my heart
and if you ever even wanted them
from me
in the first place

i'd pour my soul into the one i love
if they'd let me
i'd drain myself dry if it were
to water their garden
with hope that we could
watch it blossom together
and i wouldn't ask for sunshine in return
but mine probably would wilt without it
if i were to be honest
because why would i
water my stupid dandelions
when i could tend
to their breath taking tulips?
maybe one day
i'll realize the importance
that my little sunflower garden holds
but until i then i'll just have to work
for my own garden
and maybe for the possibility
of us sharing
a small patch of roses
but before i can take good care of roses
i just need to remember
that nothing can grow
while drowning in water
or in complete darkness
all that's needed
is balance, patience, and love

i have so many individual thoughts
in my mind
to the point where
i don't need to zoom out
for it to look like
a black ink spill of nothingness

TW ED/SH
i try with all my effort
to ignore the thought of insecurity
for the physical vessel i've been given
to experience this life through
because to me that's all my body is
but when i self harm through starvation
i can't help but long for the body i once had
25lbs before depression seeped
into every corner of my life
i feel empty
in too many ways
a person should never be

i will no longer allow myself
to lose my soul
in attempts of assisting you in finding
what i've been made to believe is
your sanity
i've spent too many nights
racing through your mental labyrinth
only to turn around and realize
you were never running beside me
the second i stepped foot into your maze
you locked the door behind me
and you had already obtained
everything
you could have ever desired
and more
you watched me sprint suicides in circles
my attempts to mend every crack
in your walls
using only the select parts of me
you craved, relied on, and would accept
you guilted and intoxicated me
every time i tried to say no to you
you exploited me and my entire body
for your entertainment and your pleasure
then boasted and smirked
over all the pain you inflicted on me
with a whole world i once knew
knowing i could never return the same without the reminder of everything
that you did to me
no matter how much you clawed out of me
i was never enough in your eyes
months later,
i still think i may have left a piece
of my being in there
after needing to use
my own bones,
the last piece of myself i clung to in there,
as a ladder
to finally get out of there
and rescue myself
i had to save what i had left for my survival
and if you ever truly loved me
the way you said you did
i hope you can understand

i've found serenity in darkness
id rather admire beautifly bright stars
as they pierce through the nights sky
than encounter small spots of shade
lurking in the uncertainty
of sunlights shadows
with my sole defense being
for me to pray
that they won't grow large enough
to consume me
who's to tell me in hell's kingdom
why i shouldn't dance with the devil?
when he's taken me
under his bruised wings
broken and scarred
just like mine
and gifted me his strength and confidence  
to fly again
after i've fallen from the heavens
and landed right next to him

self harm, deprivation, and sabotage
to me
its an act of balance
it cancels out any good
that has made me feel blessed
with with the things i truly feel
are what i deserve
so that there's no more guilt
running through my veins

TW SUICIDE
why would i sleep through
the only thing
that seems to understand
and console me?
only to wake up
into a world
that's powered by our hatred
as we put people
against each other
through competition
for sport?
i don't feel comfortable
to compare and compete
not in the godly gift of sunlight,
but below the man made magnifying glass
that we put just under our gods
to place heat and pressure onto our people
in hopes they break and burn
or turn into diamonds
sometimes it seems like man attempts
to climb to a throne above a deity's realm
as we move our magnification
as we see fit
over our own population of people
just to watch as those cursed by man
burn deep into their dermis
all the way down to their core
in such pain they can only see it fit
to let themselves turn to ash
and return to the earth
to be consoled by their gods
or just by their own soul
in eternal solidarity
i choose to be cooled
by the stars of the night sky
and in the moon to show me a love
that i could never find
in another human being
but with each night
i let myself be consoled
the heat of days past
builds on the last
and daylight becomes
hotter and harder to handle

to me, anxiety is an eerie endless maze
it doesn't matter how i turn, the end i can not find
it's confusing just as much as it is terrifying
to me, anxiety is a thousand eyes
all focused, piercing, and unkind
it's paralyzing just as much as it's pressure
to me, anxiety is a swarm of hornets
every thought injecting venom into my mind
it hurts the same as their stings

i used to draw tarot for you
and i still do
sometimes
but now when i do
i feel like i'm spying
into the walls of your mind
without your awareness
having to guess on my own
which walls hold back what
i can't tell what you put there to protect you
vs what you're trying to cage and run from
you said i could still do it
even if you weren't there
to watch the cards fly
as they knock down
each and every last one of those walls
as if it were a game of dominos
i am not scared of what i may discover
i am scared of breaking something fragile that you have hidden from our sight
for your own safety
and that's why i still feel guilty
and because i know
that people knowing how you feel
is one of your greatest fears

imagine sitting in a chair with just your mind chained to the ground.
you're trapped inside your body, with motivation nowhere found.
with arms stretched to the sky
you hold hope, but can not fly
wish you awoke before your life flew by.
i thought i'd blinked, but i've closed my eyes for years.