do you think about dying? not the “I’m so tired of living” thoughts but the intrusive thoughts you get after a ****** or while dozing off into sleep; unwelcome scenarios of how life would be without you. flashing images of your son growing up without you; images of all the things you cherish not lying around your room because the room you’re in now doesn’t exist anymore. do you see yourself hovering above the ones you love or would you rather not see the world go on without you? is it regret? is it sadness? jealousy? do you forget for a moment that you’re still breathing?

I get paranoid after throwing up my fears the night before, intoxication comes easy when you’re lost in the worries of not being enough. The whispering from my nightmares become real, their faces distort in disgust when they look at me and the weight of terror eats me alive.

before the darkness, when I was 5, my mother would **** me to sleep with her sullen lullabies. they were always about a woman who had nothing but self-hatred. her words were as haunting as my father seems to be and he’s been gone for 12 years. the woman my mother would softly sing about was this Demon she befriended at 16, named ****. **** was nice to her for awhile, maybe even a saving grace until she stole the happiness from her and dyed her life the dullest color. i figured it was a somber lullaby with a stronger meaning that no one but her could understand. ive had enough running into offices that smell like spoiled milk and blood. “It won’t **** you like you think it will”, mom always told me. she says this while looking at the decorations covering half her body along with my ****** hands, knees and bruised lips. your friend **** has a way of picking fights with you; making the walls at 3am rock like we’re on a boat during a storm, you’re trying to get saved by screaming their names while I’m laying here trying not to get sea sick from your abandonment. all I can hear now are your heartless moans of forever

the angels are screaming in my ears. They’re warning me that there’s a forest fire roaring inside of me; the sweet alyssum that bloomed from the decaying memories I buried deep in my bones have burned into ash, revealing a fragile foundation that was created by scarred flesh and empty promises. I’m a pyre wrapped in a fiery rage that’s devouring my heart, igniting my lungs; inhaling the stench of smoldering melancholy, exhaling pain that resembles smoke from my cigarettes. I’m choking on my own corruption. My blood has turned into embers, keeping this fire growing louder.. a reminder that my misery will never be heard. my feet have become roots, digging into the earth that’s swallowing me like a decomposing animal; yet i will never be home, ill always be lost

you looked into my eyes which always seemed to remind you of the ocean. you said your dad never told you that you may drown while admiring the waves, your smile said not being able to breathe would be worth it. I thought about how you’re like the ocean breeze, giving breath to tired lungs. you swirl the sea, placing troubled minds at ease. you built sandcastles with your voice which I began to call home but it’s quiet now, all I can hear is a tsunami and I can’t seem to catch my breath