Everything is still the same, except just rearranged
except for dad, he's changed.

I fell down and nearly drowned
in whiskey and *******
I thought I could replace the pain
of not seeing your face again
but every ******* trace you left behind
was sacred space, inside confined
the welling tragedy, silence of the disgraced.
There isn't any telling in defense of the insane,
the mute intense.

and dad has changed.

The youngest nearly starved herself, by Grace she won't accept
but self-punishment and furtherance into sickness of debt;
if i were brighter, were i slighter,
had i done better, he'd have stayed
she blames herself, then just a child,
for causing all the grief you made.

and dad is changed.

a nephew or a niece conceived within loss of control
and then was lost and killed another piece of my exhausted soul
and I was married, with a step-son, after turning things around
but now that's buried ancient history. not what I thought I'd found.
He told me the same things you used to tell me,
they just like you because they don't know you.
your facade is too corrupt to show through.
but I am near now, I know you're a fraud.
You're the antithesis of good and God.

You never met my dog,

and dad has changed.

I remember warm waves of content
Washing over with feeling, now I belong.
Until tide drawing back, you wonder where I went
Sloshing  over revealing it all was wrong

when the thick fog creeping on your back seeps past
consuming sickness that was keeping track, gets lost at last
but this relief is leaping into grief, it's getting deep
and getting black, it's coming fast,
the clouds just weep themselves to sleep
since they can't brace for this attack

i may be awake
i may be asleep
i cannot remember
falling either way this deep

I am a dream.

I am experienced only as I occur
Even then the clarity at best is a stuttering blur.
The strands felt by fingertips lips kiss goodbye
can't repeat or be shared or reasoned much of why.
I am a nightmare.

When the earth in which your roots entangle,
wrapped around your neck to strangle;
what you get for what you're worth-
the only right came at your birth.
Deplete the soil, tried every angle.
Where you grew, your growth has mangled.
And you knew, but still repeat
choking your own cries of defeat.

i misused
and i will try
to heal what bruised
from standing by
my clumsy head
i dont know why
i let you down
i cannot fly

i miss you til the day i die

evaluate the symphony
be critical; direct
judge yourself from your actions
may justice be to reflect

the sentence ends the day you die
until then, run on, mourn
incoherence that depends on why you say why  
you left, right before you felt reborn.

in a way all is done
no body always
lost on the run.
in a way all is done
there is everything

We are not born equal,
                               but alive.
The brave,
    and then the meek,
imagined strong
   actually weak
They who choose
    to seek will surely thrive.
but to say, no
        i must refuse,
        means to survive.