step one:
don’t come out
in any way
keep your mouth shut
about your sexuality and your gender
because really
as you will come to notice
the cuts and scars on your wrists
and the suicide attempts under your belt
will be way more bearable than the disgust
that your mother holds in her eyes
in the downwards tilt of her mouth
when she looks at you

step two:
keep your mouth shut
about everything
even if your mother sees what
you are doing to yourself
how you are slowly whittling yourself
down to the very core of your being
deny the empty pill bottles
and the blood in the sink
a red red ring around the shower drain

step three:
deny everything
the bloodstains on your long sleeves
the sweatshirts and layers upon layers
worn on hundred degree days
all of the empty pills bottles
the alcohol and cigarettes on your breath
the bags under your eyes
hospital bracelets taped into old notebooks
suicide notes hidden inside every word
and every thought and every breath
the urge and the need and the want and the
promise of a sweet darkness
you hunger for it
it courses through your veins

step four:
remember that it is all your fault
it is your fault for being born
for being abused
for more than half of your life
the depression
the anxiety
the insomnia
the self-harm
your mother’s alcoholism
the smell of **** on your clothes
the coffee stains on her teeth
because she needs some kind of drink
just to look at you anymore
it is your fault for wanting to die
it is your fault for being this way
everything is your fault
you are to blame for all the
wrongs that are plaguing this world
and you will spend so many years
and countless sleepless nights
so many hospital visits
and therapists
and pill after pill after pill
trying to fix a body and a mind and a heart
that your mother destroyed

step five:
learn to love yourself
find friends and make them your new family
learn to accept yourself
be proud of your scars
and the bags under your eyes
the ground-down teeth
the shaky hands
because even messy teeth can smile beautifully
and even shaky hands can hold someone tightly
or yourself
don’t be afraid to hold yourself
because sometimes you are all that you have
revel in the feeling of being alone
but rejoice about being with friends
let yourself heal

step six:
remember that you are not a monster
you are a human being
and you do not have to be
your mother’s little boy or little girl
if you don’t want to be
you are not other’s failings
or what has been done to you
these have shaped and molded you
into who you are today
they taught you how to survive
in a cruel cruel world
let your wings grow
so big that they cover you and everyone
and everything that you love and hold dear
hold your own hand
wipe your own tears
but also don’t be afraid to let other people
do those things for you
and most importantly
don’t forget to let yourself live again

I remember how proud you were i remember how sweet we, us, could be
And how sweet the first touch was. I never once bended toward you–but i was ever ready. And always you would break and reach for me, and it was the sea against the shore it was a thrum it was the steady of our hearts, an acknowledgment of thumbs brushing knuckles or the soft press of our legs side by side and nothing not a thing can cleanse me of your small soft laugh and how each time you spoke i was surprised by your voice you are so YOU and it’s the way you reach for me even and especially in your sleep and your hair in the mornings and that smile you know the one the one you give me when you’re above me and i see so much in you and i love you sure but you will never be mine and i wish i could walk away from the mess of our realities because i feel as though when we touch we feel and speak and touch and it’s this feeble connection i crave with your beauty and our lust but the fact is our souls see each other through all the mess of ourselves and i can find you you’re there i know it i feel it but time and circumstance does its dance and im not sure when i’ll see you, really see you, again and i’m leaving but i want to stay and you and you and you

Days long since past
Are just images and pieces in a collage of life and existence
Fitting together into one big picture…a complete puzzle
A product of an infinite amount of complexity and intuition
Choices made and set in stone
While others remain fluid and flexible
Doors creaking because they haven’t been opened in years
Others shutting close a dark and desolate path
Sitting in a little boat and sailing through the decades
Stuck in the middle of an ocean of millennia
I look into the waters below and see what I am
I see what I could have been
Countless options that multiply on and on
Until only one door remains open
My little boat can only handle so much
I must swim now to that ultimatum
Making my way towards the end
I splash in the Sea of Time

i am never careful enough kissing you i am always wrapped up in it never wholly present always nervous for the first kiss then swept away with all the kisses and then fearful again while you sleep wanting to be bold and reach for you but never brave enough to, i am always nervous until the last kiss and we always kiss again and again and once more to remember our lips and then i am starving for you until our lips recognize each other again

For all my Friends, Much Love Meesh Washta Lokka Neesh ( I Love You , in Lakota Sioux, spelling a mistake ummm, yeah well thats a given for me lol,
wink emoticon
"Say Love,,, Alma..."
Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq-gYOrU8bA

Tabloid, describes every speck of ****
that seeks a global audience
from your kid's kindergarten blog
to the Rockefeller save face
Yet, these big players are the worst tools
Richest person, never spending
except when it comes to public relations

Nowadays it's damage control before it even started
So just in case there's another Ludlow Massacre
26 men, women, and children, all dead
the people are trained to believe the trusted news sources
fake an eyewitness report using your wife
like the ambassador's daughter posing as a princess
to spark the Gulf War
There was no evidence of killing babies in a hospital
Just sensational

We've been molded for over a hundred years
to have global views
and distance keeps us from our like minded dissenters
We're dancing to the same undulating dissonance
We're losing our local centers and rhythms

The longer we do what we don't like,
the more difficult it is to become who we want to be.
The moment we choose to do what we feel is right
is the moment to explain to those who are blind to see.
If we are critical of others
we expect that's how we're seen;
to allow others to make mistakes
is to allow ourselves to succeed.

mm...! you generate an action potential in me

seriously, you got me doin' some
crazy ion exchanges through my axon

you got me spewwin' neurotransmitters
into the space of our synaptic gap
pew pew!

we don't have to touch to be
ELECTRIFIED
oh myyy
my dendrites are standin on enddd!

oh myyy oh myy my myelin sheath is very well developed ;)

this electrochemical transfer is snappin' like whiplash

FIRE IN THE BRAIN!!!