I'm not a poet
I never was one.
Where the words could build and wreck lives.
Mine caused only a ripple
Where the words could cause chaos
Mine let out only a whimper.

The words, they should be magical
But, mine knew no sorcery.

All my life, I spent it finding the exact words
The words never found me.
Also, I never quite got the hang of feelings
They were all so beautiful and ugly.
But words were all that remained
And I want them to stay close
within the wild musings of my reckless heart.

I've been listening
  Not to the sounds
      To the silence
         Not of the beauty
           Of the sadness
              And I can tell
                      *It screams.

Waking up in the morning.
The day isn't bright.
Calm as water to the people
Volcanoes erupting on the inside.

The box of thoughts you lock away,
Pretending you've lost the keys.
Nights you spend in a corner.
What is it you seek?

You walk on a tight rope
Falling, your only choice.  
Blink, and people will notice
The tears forming in your eyes.

Storm's coming your way.
And you've been out with only an umbrella.
You think you are strong?
The fake laughters and smiles.
You've been at it for much too long.

The days will be brighter,
Shorter will be the nights.
You've been carrying a river inside you
For quite a while.
I know you can't try harder,
But love, it's okay to cry.

Even if I fall short of words, I will not fall short of music.
Today, I will dance.  
I will let my soul stumble in the dark.
And the beautiful piece that plays will be from my broken heart.
If it starts to rain tonight,
I will let my body drench in the music that follows.
Today, i will dance.

I will let my eyes give away what my heart has been hiding.
The sorrows, the pains and the madness.
Today, I will open doors
And while my feet barely touch the ground beneath,
I will let my soul find peace.  
Today, I silence the chaos within.

And if the angels may forget me today,
I will let the demons play the songs to my soul.
I will dance to the sounds of the silence in the night that will not perish with the morning sun.
Today, I will trick nature.  


And if the music should consume me today, I will want to be the nothingness forever.
Today, I will fill the void that wrecks my poor heart.
*Today, I will dance.

Thinking of the mountains in your heart that you try and hide so consciously,
Making it a point to return to them in the midnight,
A walk through the cragged surface again and a dream of the starry sights,
2 A.M in the night, dark outside, darker inside.
The slightest hint of light that catches the eye be an excuse for the sleep-deprived.
You dream,
You toss and turn.

The thoughts that meander through the lives you live, the alternate realities.
The right and wrong of every decision you’ve ever made tortures, you’re never safe.
You can see the slightest mistakes, the lumps forming in your throat.
You let your demons win, your mind an evil lair.  
The devils take up the spaces, the light escapes.
The eyes are sunken, but the mind still reckless,
Unapologetic  to the poor heart.
You toss and turn.

And when the heart pleads mercy,
Your body complies.
Curling up further under the blanket,
You give it another try.
Night after night, the same routine,
This life a long, lonely suicide.
The flashback, the memories, the love lost finds a space.
You toss and turn.