When I was 8 years old I made my brother mad
He beat me up
Tackled me on the couch
Held me down
I didn’t have the strength to escape him

When I was free I went to my friend’s house
I cried
My friend tried to comfort me
But all I could think
Was how could he lay a hand on me?
I never wanted to go home

Because when I was 8 years old
My brother was 20
He was the oldest guy I loved
The oldest guy I trusted
How could he physically hurt me like that?

I miss sitting beside one another
I'd be studying notes that  took me hours to prepare
and then you'd casually
avert your eyes to my work- wanting to know what exactly I'm studying
You didn't care about the friends behind you
It was me, and it was you

it doesn't matter now

I used to wonder what you thought of
the full page of definitions on the circulatory system
I used to wonder what you thought of me

it doesn't matter now

I wanted you to be intrigued
I wanted you to say something

But, I didn't- I couldn't talk to you
So if I couldn't talk to you, maybe you really didn't
want to talk to me

it doesn't matter now

I wish I had the confidence like some girls do
Maybe something between us
would've happened

but now it's in the past- it doesn't matter now

All I have left are the notes
and the memory

And,
I have to keep refreshing the memory
because I don't want to lose that to
I can't bear to let that (not) matter

you're so many miles away
and all I can think about is
how
by this time next year
some other girl will be your muse

I don't want to give up my title
but
our words linger, far away
and our touches
are a distant dream

I don't want to miss you
because then I have to admit
you've made me feel
something I can't even comprehend

but this is the year
we are free
and we both chose different realities
so far away

You came into my life
took me up the mountain tops

I swore I'd never go
but you're by my side
and I've forgotten how to say no

You came into my life
took me to a secluded place- and asked me why I'm so shy

I swore if someone like you
asked me-
I'd have plenty to say,
but you're touching me,
and I'm scared to move

You came into my life
took everything I thought I knew

I swore I'd never feel this way
but you're still here
and I can't make sense of anything - furthermore

you send me these words
and I hold onto them like rafters
carrying me to land

the cold tides
still
nip at my skin
and the strength you place on me
eventually always diminishes

because the lifeline you throw me
never tells me the direction
doesn't reassure me
I have the strength in myself


my eyes burn
from the unforgiving salt
my arms ache
from the rough waves hugging me close

I can't last forever- out here
with just words.
I need touch
I need direction

help lead me back to land

Eyes are staring
my mind is screaming
all my flaws are on display

but those eyes
their not mocking
their memorizing

they smirk and
they lust to sit beside me,
for their hands to ***** at my flesh

I'm a pretty face
and a decent body

they can't hear the voice inside my mind
or understand the fear
that strangles me

they want action
and if I was alone
I know they would have
taken the lead

because to them- my greatness is

a pretty face
and a decent body

and I can't find someone
who wants my thoughts
before the softness of my skin