If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

gay*
/pronounced gaaaay/*
noun

1. bandages through the body, old turtleneck sweaters, hidden love bites, vexed skin, a body meant for poetry, shivering, cold, like in the night, happy, but afraid, every time someone calls out your name.

2. Shivering again, happy, but afraid, again. *******, Rushed, Dim lights, pleasure without any sound, no moaning, mourning.

3. Lovers without name.

Mum, I thought I escaped the night before meeting him, but now that I think of it, I guess not. This night seems oddly familiar to the day before and to the ones before that. And Mum, I promise, I did nothing to get so acquainted with these nights and yet I can't even bear the sun no more.

Mum, do you think I can still come back and sleep on your lap. I am scared. Scared of losing him. Mum, do you think I can invite him for that special dinner tomorrow, and for once sit together to share a meal.
I suppose father is still mad at me, but I am sure he'll be the fine host he always is, and won't throw us out. It's us now, isn't it funny Mum, how he and I are now us.

Mum, I get scared each time he says that he loves me. Just like you did, over and over again. Until one day.

you probably think you drained me that afternoon
stole the last bit of hope I had that love is more than bare bodies pressed against each other in the dark
but I still have the same fire in me I’ve had since I was six years old
hearing my father slur his words at 2 am while I pretended to sleep, trembling hands and sweaty palms until we make it home
and I swore I’d never choose a bottle and a hollow heart over someone I was meant to love
but if I didn’t need a man then to show me I was worth more than empty promises and inconsistent affection
what makes you think I’d need one now?

He would call me,
at 1 and sometimes 2 in the morning.
For our love was a secret,
too bold for the world
so we would whisper
stories in silence
and yet stories they were.

When that last autumn wind
Scattered the tulips,
Even petals
Fell in pairs.

And
Even I who has
no lover
fell in love.