I am aware that it is harmful
that I consciously convince myself
of the comforting fantasy
that he is just an old friend who I fell out of touch with.
That somewhere he is living a life:
Following his dreams,
Falling in love,
Making strangers smile.
That I will see him again,
in a crowded bar,
or at a backyard birthday,
where we will catch up like we do
and he will be there and the world will be right.

Then it will hit me.
In the midst of mundane daily details,
If I let my mind go numb for the smallest of seconds,
reality will rush in and engulf me
and scratch on the back of my skull
and crash through my chest with more mercilessness
and more weight
than I knew the world could carry
(it is far too much for me to carry).
I am forced to remember
why the night feels a little more black
with one less lighthouse
to remind me where home is.

But sometimes I blindly smile.
Because how lucky were we,
Peter Pan’s lost boys,
to have had such a brilliant brother
to have lit up our sky at all?

you were beautiful you’re like a living breathing sunrise. I loved you immensely. But, I looked at you but there was no fire
I talked to you but there was no conversation
I lay next to you but there was no desire
I kissed you but there was no spark
I looked in your eyes and they said you had lost interest.
And i know you said you would never leave me but it’s been 4 months and you love him.
You love him.
Nights of trying to find remedies for sadness included chain smoking on the roof until i coughed so hard i could feel my heart in my throat spending hours in the shower trying to cut your touch out of my skin
Wide awake at 4 am wishing i would be yours forever, but baby that’s not how things work anymore.

That's why I love to write
I can make all things possible
Even us.

You gave me your doubts,
your fears, troubles and all,
you came to me broken,
I came to break your fall.

I will not be your knight,
whose armor shines in the sun,
nor shall I be your hero,
not even "The One".

For I am your friend,
and that's all I'll ever be,
because that's what you really,
really need from me.

You don't need my life,
just my love and compassion,
please don't read too deep,
into every word and little action.

I am already signed and my heart already claimed,
please do not hang your head down,
down, ashamed.

You've done nothing to deserve that,
you're lost and confused I know,
so you came to a friend,
a friend you trusted you could go.

And I'm humbled and honored, that you would call me as such,
but I'm afraid that even I,
even I can only offer so much.

I'll give you food, water, medicine and supplies,
if you in trade give me your story, truth instead of lies.
For the house of cards you frailly built upon,
will blow away at the slightest breath, and then it shall be....
gone.

But I will point you to the Rock, to where you may solidly stand,
this shall be your safe ground, as it is Holy Land.
One day you'll realize, the beauty of your soul
is worth saving and the life you're living, actually has a goal.

You gave me reasons, why not to at all,
here I'm giving you the same, as to why you should live,
because my heart and friendship goes out to you, that much I can give.

One day, you'll thank me, and even your Maker,
for the bread was made of ingredients like you and me,
but Trust in God our Father, for He is like a Baker.

He'll kneed you, fold you, break you and mold you,
He'll do what it takes, to make you anew.

You are His Child, even if you don't know it now,
you'll find out soon enough, some way, some how.

Until then, and even after, I'll pray for you always,
and I shall always be your friend, for the rest of my days.

You... give me reason, to live and fight on,
now let me give you another chance, to see another beautiful dawn.

I hope
    one day
        you'll see me
              and think
"why did i let her go."