semantic satiation: look at a word or hear it
over and over and over until it stops
looking like any thing of any sense. becoming
any random collection of syllables
any old snarl of letters:
love love love love
love love love love
love love love love
love love love love
love love love love
till meaning slips away.
water evaporating from your hands
before contact is even made.
a shiver at the edge of your sight,
disappearing before the movement to turn begins.
matches that don't want to be on fire,
covered with wax; you wanted them water proofed.
staring into your own pupils
watching them contract and then dilate
until they are no longer any part of you.
until they could swallow you whole.
gilt edges framing your face-
not your face, anymore.

if you practice this enough you stop being afraid.
or fear takes longer to arrive.
at least it looks different when it gets there,
love.

She is different, you know?
She shines a brighter light
She smiles a brighter smile
She is like the Sun,
Everything revolves around her.
Seasons change because of her and I fall in love like I fall for autumn
Every winter she makes hot chocolate for two even though she is alone because
The idea
Of sharing yet another Christmas by
Herself
Is too painful.
She pours it in a cup and let it sit by her side.
She imagines someone will walk through the door and sit by her side.
She imagines he will smell the beverage and
Smile
At
Her
She imagines someone will walk through the door and care.
She bakes cookies for four and gives them away to people with a smile.
But she smiles and somehow I can see it is broken.
Her smile is broken.
Her laugh is empty.
She is different, you know?

thinking only of work
- eating my own business
minding my food

and manners

people small talking too
loudly with mouths full

- best get back and busy

- all this talk of ebola
isis and clowns with machetes -

slender man and little girls
- kidnapped girls forgotten

collateral damage
- somewhere else
someone else's -

hard to concentrate
on  important things
like metrics and data calls -

site density- history
- work things and holidays -
you know

i should buy pumpkins
on the way home today

- halloween is coming soon.

r ~ 10/15/14

I'd like to talk electricity,
chemicals,
living better through

I take medication
and when I don't
I feel
effortlessly
lost

thoreau would be so proud
I cry at provocations
that I would sneer at
in better days

waiting for better days
I can imagine them coming
warm and sweet
sunny fall days
nippy but still safe

even winter seems like
it could be all right
in better days

but they aren't here yet
I want to burn myself on them
push myself nearer their fire
than I can stand

I cannot bear to run away
the ink runs off my maps
staining my fingers
till everything tastes bitter

trying to redraw in charcoal
the places I know must be there
but all the familiar landmarks
are dragons now

and even when I do
even when I remember
and I even eat
and sleep
like I did when I was
ok
years ago, in a country I can't find
now
that might never have been there in the first place

even then
I'm maybe not drowning
but the air quality
is a little suspect

we go hungry
go sordid
drugging ourselves with lack of sleep
slow blinking
fast talkers

go dancing
spin circles
sweat out
but don't completely lose our
nerve
nerves

spit on the ground
it's a shande, a shame
drinking our coffee black
like momma did

we don't like it anyhow
tension click clacking up our spines
staring wide eyed at the world
three am's spouse

faithful as anyone
**** failing us
closing opening

staking out cafes for the company
pretending to wait for friends
ordering small pastries
portioning them out slowly

they don't even taste that good
sour stomaches
lip biters
failing to locate

sights for sore eyes
only finding sites for the healthy
the normative
the well at heart