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 Jun 17 Anais Vionet
LL
what am I good for
if I'm lost — adrift like a
cloud that holds no rain
2025/095
i woke up in the blues,
sat on the only chair in the dark room.

put on my torn shirt, worn shoes,

I wished upon a tumbling star

and down the steps, out the
front door
I went.

the puddles electric shimmer neon.

a robin dances fragile and free.
(I tip my hat, ah, what the hell.
I wish the robbin well.)

old man Bennett sitting on a park bench
in the rain
feeding pigeons.

how are you? I ask.

he sighs, ah, things don't get any better
don't get any worse.

he gives me a smile. (ah,
what the hell, quiet mercy,
I gift him a smile.)

I woke up with blues,
wished upon a falling star.

fell into a full moon.

(feel the pull!)

it rolls me over
the ocean of misty streets,
tall alley walls,
the dark corners hiding my heart.
(so give a smile to tomorrow.
???will there be cold beer in hell.)

I ve lost my way,
creature of silent sorrow .
(so throw me a smile.)

I fell upon a fallen star,
how far from the grave?

a crow caws at my window.
the night is so long.

wishing on a tumbling star,
no matter how you look at it
you lose.

I woke up in the blues,
sat in the only chair in a dark room.
There was never a ladder to the loft,
we shinned up the airing cupboard
like working class monkeys,
treading on towels to reach the hatch,
you smacked the heating on the dent
until it hushed it’s steamy grumbles,
and the windows iced like Brentford nylon on the inside,
there was always that squeaky stair,
third from bottom
mum’s nark, and a wooden grass
the bain of many a teenaged drunk,
a kitchen way too small
for our big loud family to be contained
within its arms of yellow council brick,
there were dramas enough to fill a palace
except it had gnomes outside instead of soldiers,
and a phone in the hall
where everyone could see when you got dumped,
sixty years of births and deaths and fights
weddings and funerals, when neighbours closed their curtains
and the road bowed its head in respect for one of their own,
dogs, and fish, and hamsters, filled our infant lives,
once there was a parrot
a scarlet macaw on a pole which swore like a trooper
and lasted three days because it said f* in front of Nan,
banished forever to the Croydon jungle,
we put up with stuff, like people did,
perfection was never on the radar
because none of us knew what it looked like,
if it was a mythical beast, it belonged to another family
we lived loved and died there
and now it will be someone elses home
we reliquish our hold
maybe they will put in a ladder
like dad always meant to do
I lost my dad this morning
~
It should be stark
and unprovoked,
yet fight to conceal.

It should justify
its intrusion
by layering
new narratives:
each a wonderland,
each a poison.

It should spring
like a cat,
cloud like doubt,
evaporate like
cigarettes at dawn.

It should backlight
truth, fictionalize
history.

It should undo
reality, drift into abyss
with the Lady of Shalott.

It should lead
the march into the sea,
it should die gracefully.

~
Sometimes i can put on a mask keep it together. No need for an umbrella its just a little weather.
Meanwhile inside my brain its a cat 4 and i am holding on. But the storm is raging and my stability is almost gone.
100 miles an hour another gust and i am done. Down on my knees no where left to run.
My heart beat so loud a thrumming in my ears it’s deafening to me but no one else hears.
Lost in this headspace the mask is what wins completely i retreat to that space within.
Dont want to lose myself but theres no fighting this storm, just dont drown, hold out, feel, wait transform.
The light will fight push back the clouds and silence the voices screaming so loud.
It will warm me and mend the heartache
Keep holding on though you break.
The light will win dispel this storm, but in the pain and pressure i will transform.
Grow stronger and softer both together. What once was heavy now light as a feather.
What seeks to destroy erase me in full only makes me more alive more real in its push and pull.
always looking
from the outside

all alone
rejected
wrong

I keep people
at a distance

all alone
where I belong

I chase time
into the darkness

all alone
unknown
unsure

there where my
shadow surrounds me

not alone
not anymore
On our way into
Santa Anita one day,
an old man had tipped
over in his wheelchair.
There was a pool of blood
beneath his smooth head.
I was with my Dad.
He was around the same
age as the poor injured man.
I was 12.

Seeing that man, and watching
the blank stares of the apathetic
crowd gathering around the
man, and the blood, and the
fallen wheelchair, I knew that
nobody would win, and the
horses that ran were the luckiest
of us all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tpMDoNXg_U
Here is a link to my YouTube channel where I read from my recently published books.  They are on Amazon.com
Sleep Always Calls, Seedy Town Blues Collected Poems and It's Just a Hop, Skip, and a Jump to the Madhouse.
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