"So, tell me. Do you love the game?" he asked.
"Yes. I do," I reply as I strain every muscle in my head, trying not to nod as if I was also convincing myself.
He gives an almost imperceptible nod as if trying to convince himself too.
I do nothing but watch him turn his back and leave.
And every single moment spent staring at the mirror not recognizing the con artist I have become flashed in my mind.
I have decided to play the game yet you have conceded the moment you sealed the wall as you turned away.
We were the only ones playing the game yet we were both losing.
for Arin and Kestrel
Are you not afraid of the mountains they have built and the oceans they are crashing against us?
I would traverse through those mountains and sail across those waves because I love you, it is as simple as that. I know you would do the same for me and we'd meet halfway because you love me too, it is as simple as that. But it is not that easy.
Maybe we should keep our maps, bring down the sails and say goodbye to the mountains, oceans and us. Maybe we should lock away our love deep within us and save it for another life.
Perhaps; in another universe, in another lifetime, in different circumstances, we would not even have to cross mountains and oceans just to find each other again.
I knew you were something else the moment you answered my question.
"What's your favorite color?"
You shrugged before replying with, "Whatever color the sky is."
From then on I couldn't help but stare at the sky every chance I had. When I was bored out of my mind at school, while listening to music in the car, or simply walking home.
I saw the fiery reds and oranges, the cotton candy purples and pinks, the brightest blues, and the softest pastels. I saw them all and I saw you too. I have never seen something so majestic yet simply beautiful. I have never come across something so awe-inspiring yet something so out of reach. I have never met someone so different, the good kind of different.
Everyday, I stare at the sky then look into your eyes and I see a tinge of sadness underneath the unending awe and undying love. I felt it all too. After all, we both loved something that was way beyond our reach.
I didn't (and won't) love you until my last breath but I can tell you that I loved you until the very last day of the last year of "us". I waited, I held my breath until the very last moment, before I let go. I overstayed my welcome in this ocean of "us" when I was being thrashed away into the shores long before I could even begin to take in what would be my final breath for "us". I'm definitely not proud of that but you know what I'm proud of, what I wouldn't mind whispering in the ears of strangers? It's the fact that when I let go of that one final breath for "us", as the new year began to unfold, I no longer felt chained to the ruins of "us". As time moved on and reached a new dawn everyone celebrated, I felt free for the first time in a very, very long time. I have been released from shackles that have bound me for so long and I no longer feel any lingering sadness nor bitterness, even in the deepest chambers of my heart. And that, I am proud of.
it's been a while
I wore constellations today in memory of the stars that once aligned for us.
I miss you out of habit. I still find myself searching for your eyes and yearning for your touch even though we are no longer a we. It's just a you and a me now. It has always been so hard for me to deal with change, I always end up reaching across the other side of the bed, always thinking my fingers would still come across yours. I have spent so much of my heart loving you that I failed to see I would end up clawing at the air you used to warm with your presence and staring at blank spaces where you used to be. I miss you out of habit, the habit being us, but that habit has proven itself to be a bad one so we ceased to exist and we were replaced with untouched hands and empty spaces.
My favorite sound is the beating of your heart. My favorite sight is the ocean within your eyes. My favorite feeling is the slightest touch from the tips of your fingers. My favorite word is my name uttered from your lips.
Even though it hurt me so much to the point that I was completely obliterated, my favorite heartbreak is when your love ran out and you decided I wasn't enough for you. You're still my favorite person and perhaps you will always be one of my favorites but in time; another's heartbeat will become my lullaby, another's sky set on fire will become my perfect view and another's kiss will become my safe haven.
But I will never forget the way you said my name. You said it with so much affection but with pain on the side. Your eyes always lit up as my name rolled off your tongue but then it dimmed whenever you saw the euphoric look on my face. It was as if you always knew that you would love me so much but then hurt me in the end.