I think my dads heart is breaking, his body is slowly shutting down on itself as if to tell everyone he wants to pack up and leave. 

I think my dads heart is breaking, too weak to even pump enough blood anymore as if to tell everyone he’s giving up.

I think my dads heart is breaking, he doesn’t try to catch his breath anymore as if saying he wants it to stay lost.

I think my dads heart is breaking, every absent look in his crystal eyes is a reminder that he’s so much sadder then he lets on. 

I think my dads heart is breaking, every time he looks in the mirror his mothers reflection is staring back at him. Gaunt cheek bones and sunken eyes, they could be twins.

I think my dads heart is breaking, his body looks like it’s ready to conquer the world but on the inside its ready for retirement.

I think my dads heart is breaking, his smile keeps fading a little each day.

I think my dads heart is breaking, he used to say karma catches up to you, is it bad I think it’s finally caught up to him?

I think my dads heart is breaking, I don’t know how to fix it.

It's not that you view the world in a negative way because your hopeless, you just don't like getting your hopes up. How can you be optimistic when every day is a crushing reminder that you want so much more then you're receiving?
You are proud, assertive, bold and undaunted.
The type of person many people don't know how to reckon with.
  It's not that you're rude, you just have so many opinions and thoughts jumbled in your brain that sometimes they come out harsher then intended. You are not a mean spirited person. you are the type of person that rarely comes along, only containing good intentions. The people that stick around to realize this, they're the lucky ones.
  People often don't know how to perceive you because they're the insecure ones. When someone weak is faced with a strong willed person, they become defensive. This is why you must stay strong, never let them flicker your ethereal flame.
  You are the rain after a drought, bringing life and spirit to those in need.
  You may view yourself as more harmful then helpful, rest assured thats not the case.

Lillian its not that your mother didn’t love you, its just that she was still trying to figure out how to love herself.
Her arms could only reach so far, you just were never close enough.
Lillian its not that your mother didn’t have a heart, its just that some days it couldn’t keep up with the pace of her mind.
you could try shouting but she would never hear you over the voices speaking to her.
Lillian its not that your mother viewed you as worthless, its just that she couldn’t find worth in her self just yet.
How could she open her eyes for you when she thought there was nothing worth looking at.
Lillian its not that you deserved her anger, its just that she didn’t know how to treat something constant in her life when everyone kept on leaving.
She couldn’t come to terms with how someone could love her so unconditionally despite her demons.
Lillian its not that your mother regretted you, its just that no one has stuck around long enough to get past her walls.
she thinks that she’ll be left to clean up the rubble alone.
Lillian its not that your mother is a reflection of yourself, its just that she never had room to grow.
You are a big fish in a little pond like her, though you can break free.

I hang on so tightly as if  don’t trust my own grip
every day is a never-ending battle of please quite down and please keep talking
any slight movement will push me past my breaking point
when i cut you off, i cut my hair off. the sound of hair dropping and scissors equivalent to the snapping of the line being held between us.
new me, no more you.
i can’t seem to shake you, you’re not even that great. i think i like the half *** attention you give me more then you as a person.
Its time for me to break it off and move on for good this time. Delete you off of everything and erase your number again. Its not the silence i hate but the absence you feel when you realize you don’t talk to someone anymore. The feeling blooms throughout your chest, strangling your airway making you desperate.
Second chances don’t always work out, but at least i tried.
Heart please listen to mind this time.

I think I’m a ticking timebomb, every day that goes by my anger grows and grows, never diffusing.
Theres no one else to be angry at but myself. As weak as an eggshell, breaking at the slightest impact. If i were a color i would be scarlet, filled with rage and a roaring fury that only gets worst when spoken to.
My body is as tight as a coil, springing up in defense at every little thing. impatient and tired of the apparitions that keep moving through the walls of its brain. I want them to leave but i get lonely without them keeping me company.
I ask them to hold my head up, their transparent hands gently cradle me. rocking me into an absent lull. They bring me down but lift me up and i can’t live without their memory, They make me into who i am.
i ask them to hand me the ladder whenever i get stuck at the bottom of the pit. I should’ve learned my lesson, sometimes they pull it up instead of lowering it down. They make me keep grasping for more light.
I ask them to eat dinner with me occasionally, i tell them i want to hear their voices again. i leave out extra placemats for them incase they ever decide to join me. I’m left hoping and staring at empty seats, reminded that they will never come back. They make me stomach food again.
I ask them if it hurt when they left. if they feel my tears whenever i cry. i am met with wide stares and carefree smiles. left to wonder what they found that makes them happy. they make me feel again.
I ask them to love me despite what disasters i make for myself. i don’t have to hear their voices anymore to know that they do.

I’ve been breathing in the city air as if it will renew my insides

In reality its just polluting me all over again.

when i was younger i used to look up and see skies filled with shapes and inspiration

now i just see blobs.

gritty, filthy, unhealthy

i miss my positive perpsective, I’ve lost hold of it and i can’t seem to find it anywhere.

i keep slamming into concrete walls. they are cracked and unsteady, but relentless. i can’t force them down, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. I’ve tried making nice with it, I’ve smoothed plaster in its cracks, making each dreary, destructive memory a distant, covered up story. you can’t cover up the bad though no matter how hard you try to hide it, it always comes and seeks you out. i envy the bad though, how it stays so strong despite all attempts to rid of it, i wish that i could be that powerful.

I haven’t seen your face in two years, i wonder how you would look now. would you have even more grey hairs then you already did? would age greet you with astounding stealth and love? would you tell me every things going to be okay.

I’ve been grasping for signs but everytime i open my fist its empty. Sometimes i feel like you’re in the military again, deployed but you’ll come back. You’re not coming back and each empty birthday is a reminder of that. every corner i turn i still expect you to pop out and say boo. you’re dead and that would be considered haunting, which I’ve told you not to do to me.

every day i still go through the cycles

regret, anger, confusion, sadness, numbness

i need you to tell me everything is going to be okay.

I've always been attracted to things I couldn't have. They lure me in with soft tantalizing pleas of "aren't you curious how much different your life could be with us in it".
All the possibilities come roaring to life
"You could find love"
"New friendships aren't all that bad"
"New experiences"
Now this new experience idea has invaded my mind, wringing around my brain with an embrace so tight that it's not a comforting hug anymore.
I want to experience everything life has to offer, both the positive and negative. I want to feel such a contrasting variety of things, I think this coexists with the high hopes I have. Maybe by feeling a lot i can cover up this numbness that doesn't seem to leave me.
Ironic how I can get rid of everyone else but I can't rid myself of this, I do admire consistency in anything and **** is it undeviating.
I didn't use you but you came into my life when I was in the middle of a transition. Someone wanted to get to know me and the attention made me happy, it still makes me happy, Which is where the problem lies. Despite all the sure tale signs that you may have only been wanting one thing, I took a chance and dove in. The stormy waves visible to me in the distance didn't seem to matter. I came to see you as my raft, keeping me afloat and away from the dark pit of endless water underneath me, that I was afraid I would drown in. You distracted me from it in the beginning, entertaining me enough that I forgot it was even there.
Then you became it, You began to drag me down. You grabbed a hold of my ankle, pulling me underneath the waves and I haven't seen the sun since. I would try to swim back up but I couldn't bring myself to break free of your grip, so I stayed and began to force myself into thinking this was how all relationships were.
Day by day your hold became looser and finally you let me go. I despised you at first but then I became grateful. The freedom was liberating, my mind was at ease for the first time in a while. No more anxiety triggered by you, no more useless effort from my end.
Recently I let you back in, did some things I'm not proud of but who doesn't. You didn't stick up for me, the thought of me being a bad influence is laughable. Now we are both forbidden from seeing each other. Never did I think I would see the day when a mother views me as harmful to her son.
Like I said, I've always been attracted to things I couldn't have. I don't think I am anymore.