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a m a n d a Mar 2014
if all i get
  is a miniscule shred
of sarcastic,
   cynical
w r e t c h e d
   self-defeating
hope
   then i guess
that's the ******* fire i will breathe.

i guess I
am the firebreather
     round these parts
I am the dragon

setting things ablaze
  in my fury
crushing whole towns under my feet
climbing the skies
with magnificent dark wings

you should
run in terror from me
because you will never again find
a dragon in possession
  of such profound richness
so terrible a truth
  that you will not meet my gaze

mistakes have been made.
yes?
no.
life has been lived in fire and passion and hope
in this there can be no mistake.
a m a n d a Aug 2014
sum of moments
torque of the moment
rotation of moments
surround me
a m a n d a Jun 2022
torn dress,
claws in chest.
blood.
fear,
betrayal.
a m a n d a Aug 2022
sometimes there are
just a bunch of scattered golden seeds
or flattened green bark
or whatever the ****

and that’s fair

i don’t think i have
any bright ideas
just don’t leap into Mordor
at the drop of a hat

don’t get any ideas
a m a n d a Apr 2015
that combination of
bright sun and rain
low, moving clouds and
Korn.
a m a n d a Oct 2022
it's ok that
you can't see
the turquoise and gold.

it's just that you don't even know
you are a brilliant orange tree
coming up on me,
taking my breath away.
a m a n d a Jun 2017
the multiverse
p e r s i s t s.

you can be
a different character
in a different game.
a m a n d a Sep 2017
"i like the world best
when our paths
overlap,”she said,
with a tear.
a m a n d a Nov 2013
i am taking back
    my father's name
and holding on tight

your name
     is a leash around my neck
identifying me
as part of something
that does not exist

it is stamped on paper
and recognized
      by the state

it is seared into the minds
of everyone i know
for the rest of my life

a brand

a mistake.

it must be easier for you
    wrapped in the name
of your father
free
of my presence

of my name.

i cannot thank you
for any of this.
not any of it
because
i was so wrong.
so
so
wrong.

and nothing will ever be the same again.
a m a n d a Jun 2013
sometimes...
  you are a noose around my neck
   strangling
     suffocating
       terrifying

sometimes...
   you are like a single
terrifying  entity
  an octopus emerging from the deep
    seeking me out
   tentacles constantly moving
testing
  embracing
stinging
  clinging
you are beautiful
   but so hungry
your arms cover me
   ******* at my life force
d r a i n i n g me.
i want to help you
but i am so small
compared to your greatness
...i am surrounded.

sometimes...
   individuals separate
and between gaping breathes
   dangling from the noose
or glimpses between
   the great mass of tentacles
i see one alone
  afraid
on the edge of the abyss
   or a rare
bright eyed spirit
challenging
    brilliant
i reach
  grasp around the wrists
and we hold tight to each other

sometimes...
   you grow to my height
you look into my eyes
   and teach me
you see my struggles
   my fear
and you teach and learn as i do
   and I revel in you

sometimes....
i worry.
at your indifference.
at your disrespect.
at your unwillingness to help.
at your lack of empathy.
at your unwillingness to learn.

sometimes...
i see in you
   every burst of sunlight
    every hope of humanity
      every drop of my love

always...
i see a being of light
deserving of respect
    of love
        of safety and protection
           a mind of intelligence
              churning with ideas
                 bursting with creative energy

always...
i give you my everything.
a m a n d a Jul 2013
cousin,
it is judgment day.
the day of my
reckoning
and
  it
is
  y  e  a  r  s
in the making.



one is
l o s t.
cousins are strangers
     and friends
since childhood
sharing
   family   secrets
             jokes   joys   sorrows

all eleven are
at a distance
   not  my
         best friends
   but my family

you, cousin
i chose
   to keep even farther away
and for this
i am
| ashamed |

i quietly watched
as a child
a teenager
a woman

your father
a man made of
   an unbounded source
of love
strength
character
         creativity
cousin,
if your father
   makes me love him so
    just by being who he is
         i cannot imagine
the love you had
          for him as your very own father.
cousin,
if your father
makes me laugh
             at his jokes
and makes every child
love him instantly
i cannot imagine
       how you
looked  up to him
as his son.
cousin,
if your father
makes me believe
    there are still good
  men and fathers and uncles
i cannot imagine
     the pride you felt
   when you looked upon his face.


your mother
a woman absolutely
   driven by
positive energy
       love and determination
cousin,
if your mother
   blows me away
with her love for you
i cannot imagine
how you felt in
        the love she
    surrounded you in
every
single
moment
of your life.
cousin,
if your mother
   makes other people's lives better
       i cannot imagine
             how you felt
as you watched her
    lovingly do her damnedest
     to give you your independence.

cousin,
if i watch your parents together
and feel love
      radiating from them
feel determination
through thick and thin…
i cannot imagine
      how you felt
  looking upon them together
when they didn't know
you were watching
knowing all that they did
was for you.


your sister
a friend
   a caretaker
  an instigator
     an indefinable part of you

cousin,
i watched you and your sister
   act like any other siblings
i babysat you
  when you were young
    but i did not see
   your time alone together
    i did not hear
                 your conversations as
     you learned and grew
         but i can imagine that
      life would have
been unbearable
without your sister

i can imagine
     that having her support
meant everything to you
because i have siblings
i can imagine these things
    and i would cling to my brother and sisters
your love for your sister
must have been like
   a cup overflowing.


and as i watched
i held back
  i could have given more
i could have been your
    friend
  i could have made
      your too short life
  easier
      better
  somehow….i could have
      done something and i didn't.
i watched your family
   in their grace
i watched you in your courage
   and i folded.
i didn't want to know you
     any more than i had to
   because i didn't want to have
  to lose you
         like i knew i would
    i selfishly had a choice
unlike you.
unlike your beautiful family.
and for this i curse myself.
i feel this reckoning
and i confess it
and i carry it
but i just couldn't do it, Ben.
a m a n d a Feb 2017
for the first time,
we show the world
our weakness.
a m a n d a Sep 2013
(panic in the woods)

i will name things
i will name myself
i am not afraid

i will speak
my name
i will show
my face
i am not afraid

i cannot
in good conscience
remain anonymous
with this
one life

i cannot
stifle the
one thing
i have
that is
my own

in the woods i named
a stick and
in a rage i held it
wanting to break
stones with wood

i looked frantically
about at
the trees
with their many
notches and
dark hideaways
and was astonished
to find they
had not made
a place for *me

to live and hide

i wanted to
scream fire
i am here!
why isn't there
a place for me?

then i felt as if
i were a tree
a bare tree
with thieves already
bargaining for
next spring's leaves
not yet sprung

so i marched
down the trail
in a desperate
fury and suddenly stopped
because there
on the grey, dusty ground
was the most beautiful,
vibrant red berry
i had ever seen

and i silently
shouted and named,
red berry!
i am a red berry!
i *know
i am a red berry!
why, then
do i feel like
the trampled
grey dust?

tears streamed down
my face
and i panicked
my breath came
too fast
i looked around
wildly
and i named everything i saw

and in my rapid
breathing
i desperately wanted
nothing more than
a warhorse
i wanted my stick back,
that i had flung aside

i wanted to roar
"break!"
and watch the stone crumble
i wanted my horse
to be strong and lithe,
beautiful
a thundering
terror
i wanted to
wreak vengeance on...

what? who?
i couldn't name
my enemy

but i am the namer

i will name
the bane of my heart
the cursed
corrupt nightmares
of government and
moral authority

but my deepest self
is lashing out
for something more
to name

something to break
myself against

but this thing
escapes me
remains nameless
slippery
and out of
my control
a m a n d a Jun 2015
not worth
my love

not worth
my spit

not worth
one second of
my wasted life.
a m a n d a May 2013
disillusionment.
deconstruction.
liberation.
the breaking of bones.

a knife
   stabbed me in the back,
and i cried, "*******!"

a boot
   kicked me behind the knees,
then pushed my face
   into the dirt,

and i thrashed
   until i could thrash no more.

i became sullen.
hopeless.
bitter.

so i climbed into a spaceship
and shot
through the earth's atmosphere.

w   e   i   g   h   t   l   e   s   s

liberated

i felt beautiful.

i could see the whole,
  and it made sense.
i felt the relativity
  of unfocused thoughts

the importance of calm
  of simple togetherness
    pleasure
      the pressure of time
        the shortening of days

and then i fell,
plunging to the earth
to break my bones.

movement made slow
  just when the sun shone
standing uncomfortable
  in fear, in pain.

loneliness,
but wanting no one
(please just leave me alone)

i'll live in my fictions

i'll grit my teeth through the pain
  and keep moving

i won't allow tears
  until at least one foot is out the door

i'll play songs on repeat,
  and subsist on cocoa krispies if i want to

i'll draw cells

and i'll write and i'll write

liberated and disillusioned
liberated and lonely
liberated and in pain
liberated and in fear
liberated and frustrated
liberated in chocolate
  liberated in red wine.
a m a n d a Sep 2020
i don’t think
there is anything
better on this earth
than music
a m a n d a May 2014
(a modern fairy tale)

ah, yes.
it's a good thing that
i am not in charge of writing
fairy tales for the children.

the best hell i can imagine
is forcing the prince
to see through my eyes.

feel my struggle
burn in the betrayal
dwell in the hatred

for the prince to understand
what he has done
would be fair.

and in this tale,
no frog turns into a prince
with a kiss.

in this tale,
the prince turns into a swine
with alarming skill.
a m a n d a Nov 2013
is seemed the only reasonable option.

i wanted to crawl out of my skin
                   crawl out of my mind
                  and even the solace of  
a sleeping unconscious
rigidly refuses my pleas
defies me
like everything and everyone else.

hot water
candlelight
the aroma and feel
of lavender and eucalyptus oil
only pull me deeper
into sorrow and despair.

i. can't. do. this.

what next?
i already tried white russians
   a sleeping pill
        allergy medication
              "the privilege of the sword"
  
                i tried thinking hard
and not thinking at all

                     i try to steel myself again life
                 become hard
            uncaring
            i try not to give a ****.

but it's all pathetic attempts
      to go against my nature.
                              my nature dictates i cry
                         that i thrash against this
         that i reach out again and again
that i make an utter fool of myself.

i opened the window...maybe the air will help
(it won't.)

i'll put on music to soothe me
(it will do the opposite.)

i will disrobe
slather lotion on myself
i'll climb into my bed
with my stupid purple hair
and cry into my blankets
while sad music plays.

eventually you will find me asleep
among twisted blankets and tears
likely clutching a pillow
for dear life.

i will awake to find
nothing has changed
and use all my strength
to get out of bed.

i'll force myself back
to my desperate searching.
i'll vow not to make a fool of myself this day
and fail.

i will push my pounding heart back
so that it is just a whisper
and just face that fact

that      life      b  l  o  w   s.
a m a n d a Apr 2014
it just so happens
that
    "sad song" playlist
   is complimented nicely
by a dry red wine,
coconut scented body butter,
soft sheets,
  and an ugly cry.
a m a n d a Oct 2013
confusion...
daft punk
seems to be
dragging me
towards wakefulness
while also
telling me to party.

i come to wakefulness
/suddenly/
with heavy
nightmares lingering

the only solution
i can think of
is eating
double-chocolate
chip haagen-dazs
in bed.
a m a n d a Mar 2021
you cannot fathom
the lime green light
or what has transpired
that led you to this place.

you cannot fathom
the life eating pain
until it is upon you,
tearing you limb from limb.
a m a n d a Mar 2015
my god,
i am counting the words
in years.
don't you recognize me?
haven't you
been loved
like this before?
a m a n d a Aug 2014
i loved you.
i love you still.
a m a n d a Apr 2018
i can feel that
this is a time
where i could be
folded into the
envelope of the world
in this smooth and
h e a v e n l y place.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
(primary care THIS, my blood pressure is fine, thanks for asking)

hello, ma’am!
i am here, in your office
that you appear to be advertising as
a place of business, specifically; the business of medicine. for humans. a human doctor, if you will.

i read every word of the brochure
of appalling lies you gave me,
willing to give you ½ my workday,
a copay, and spent an entire
evening printing,
scanning, categorizing and labeling
records that i am AWARE are ELECTRONIC. however, as so many of
your colleagues have suggested,
it’s almost “impossible” to get any information, and it’s my *******
responsibility to be my own *******
secretary since yours ****. and i should know BECAUSE I HAVE DONE THE JOB.
i can see the program you are using
which i am proficient in. i might still have my own logins if someone else didn’t do their job. i’ve been behind the curtain so don’t play these ******* games with ME.
i have done all the things.
i have gone above and beyond
in MY preparedness, since
in this country you are advised
“to be your own advocate”
because you cannot trust one single
******* to do it for you,
even if it’s THEIR LITERAL JOB.

i digress, i am here.
and i am calm.
with hundreds of pages
of reports in hand
categorized in reverse chronological order
and further labeled and divided by
date, provider, and tests.
calmly letting you
lead the conversation since
within the first 3 minutes of
meeting you
looked at me above your
mask with wild eyes
and told me
you “don’t have time.”

i thank you for your brilliant observations,
complete lack of any compassion
and apparent complete disregard for the
health of your patients. thank you for not
looking up my medical history or having
any notes or results even though i gave your office the information when
i made the godforsaken appt,
AND JUST IN CASE
brought PIECES OF ACTUAL PAPER
you refused to look at, read, pretend to read, scan or save even though i told you
you literally could keep it
because i wasn’t born yesterday
and have a ******* copy.

i don’t have time for YOU,
*****. thanks for nothing
and i hope you sleep
******* great tonight.
a m a n d a Nov 2017
(but something to consider)



everything is fine.
no.worries.
it's just that*

there is a d a r k n e s s
closing in
on the edges,

and lights swirl
in the p e r i p h e r y.
a m a n d a Jan 2021
might as well
let fly the fear
of going back<<<
since it is
not even a place
and not even a thing
a m a n d a Aug 2016
no one
has to stand
or
not stand
for anything.
(here.)

and that,
in and of
itself,
is the
*entire point.
a m a n d a Sep 2020
sometimes
  a thing appears
that is like a magnet
(or as the kids would say)
   it <h i t s> different.
a m a n d a Mar 2015
brought low
    to kiss the stones
    where no one waits
and language matters

brought down
    to embrace the earth
    where nothing lasts
and nothing matters.
a m a n d a Sep 2020
i just don’t understand
where you people are getting
all these maps
and compasses.

i’m very suspicious
that they aren’t real,
and i’m not even sure
who made them.
a m a n d a Oct 2016
you are very
bad at
notifying.

it's a thing
you don't
have.
a m a n d a Feb 2021
it shouldn’t be
so hard to believe
that i made it for me
that i said it for me
or that i did it for me
a m a n d a Nov 2016
i am
g l a d
the veil has been
pulled back.

now i can see you.

now i know
exactly who
i am dealing with.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
i mean,
i can see how christopher columbus
“discovered” the Americas from
his perspective.

the same way that
we “discover”
things that are
|new to us|
like space, or the ocean
or a new ******* restaurant.

but if i hike into
the woods and
“discover” some area
of land, or a lake, or a cabin,

the fact that i am seeing it for the first
time with my own eyes
does not mean
that thing did not
exist before i saw it.

there is nothing wrong with
exploration - it is vital
and necessary and exciting.

but exploration does
not equal colonization.
exploration does not
necessitate ownership,
theft, or ******.

it just doesn’t.

so good job, columbus,
for being an explorer and ****.
but maybe let’s try
to see the w h o l e picture.

because if i “discover” your cabin
in the woods and
decide it’s mine, **** you,
take the cabin,
enslave your family,

then have a yearly
“celebration”
where i celebrate my
“discovery”...

i’m just gonna go out
on a limb here
and assume
your enslaved family and their
ancestors wouldn’t
much appreciate that ****?

so let’s just say what we mean.
it’s good to explore.
thanks for being a *******
explorer, columbus. we like
this land, fine.

but we aren’t going to
celebrate the
systematic theft
of land, murdering and
enslaving of other human beings, ok?

unless that’s your thing, in which case
you should just be honest about it
and scream it from the rooftops.

let’s just stop pretending things
are the way we want them to be, and
acknowledge how they actually are.

is that not something we can agree on?!
ugh! i’m just sayin’!
a m a n d a Nov 2018
you know too much.
you know i'm fat
crazy and
    can't    sl  e   e  p
you know when i get sick
and things no other human knows.
and yet,
you s m i l e at me.
a m a n d a May 2022
i don't know how to say
that i appear to be off
whatever grid
the rest of ya'll are on.
a m a n d a Sep 2022
“i am going to
get what i want,”
she said,
crying.
a m a n d a Aug 2016
why you gotta be
so cool,
canada?

i'm jealous of
your
classy
***

acting all cool
and level headed

i mean, ****...canada
why you gotta
play me
like this?
a m a n d a Apr 2018
(you are so silly & unpredictable)

today, instagram accidentally
informed me
that congratulations are in order.

but instead of congrats,
i will share wisdom for her, not you:

when he goes into a rage
that scares you so much
you lock yourself in your bedroom
crying and shaking,
and he screams
"****!"
and punches the door,
you should probably call it quits.

when he starts listening to different music
and using words and phrases he normally doesn't
that means he's cheating on you
with a "friend"
"he has no interest in"
whose house you once stayed at.

maybe he didn't mention to you
that he finds pregnant women's
bodies repulsive? or maybe he
just changed his silly little mind.

your effort
your love
your support
and your sacrifices
will = 0
when he has decided
he doesn't feel like
"having the kind of life"
you have painstakingly built.

he has no loyalty.
promises mean nothing.
he lies.
he sneaks.
he is mean.
and selfish.
and will utterly destroy you
when he feels like it.

just so you know,
he is capable of
discarding a partner in life
of 14 years in an afternoon,
never to be seen again.

you really got a winner.

and you best not be surprised.
cuz i'm raising the red flag for you, sister.

when he leaves you quite literally penniless
and homeless
on your 33 birthday
in your bed
  in your own home
    with another woman,
don't act surprised.
especially if it's someone you know.

and that's not the half of it
ha! if you only knew.
a m a n d a Sep 2016
(i bet you can't even see that you are the common denominator)


it's not often
that i am amused by
the seemingly
chaotic turns
of life

but in this one thing
i can see fast and far
and i feel light and quick

because i know

without a doubt

*that it wasn't me.
a m a n d a Aug 2018
we used to get
waffles on Sundays.

and now i hate your guts.
a m a n d a May 2013
i wasn't lying
the weeping and wailing started weeks ago
what i didn't predict was the writhing
literal kicks of frustration
i've never been more serious
more foolish
             more desperate
              more liquid

what have you unleashed, you madman?
clearly, it's all your fault for starting this
nudging me right out
of ******* rotation with the sun

i didn't know this other **** was out here!
it's dark...and deep...and consuming
and i want to
f
  a
    l
      l
you come and
obliterate
useless, dead cells from my brain
you return
and
electrify
stealing my oxygen
warping my perception
leaving me breathless
and high as a ******* kite
and again you come
prowling like a lion
growling
biting
dominating
sweet mother of god
and again
and again

you *******!
leaving me with these memories...
most others i let escape
but these...
i have posted guards
i have reinforced with steel
and song
and repetition
these WILL stay

i'm sure i was but a fly
buzzing around
i can see you swatting
irritated
already forgotten

well, my friend
that was not nice...
to knock me out of rotation
pull me into new space
then pick me up
and firmly plant me back
into the boring old stupid rotation
like nothing ever happened

because of you
i have to forcibly regulate my heartbeat
multiple times a day
these words, for christ's sake
they will not stop
the moment i let them go
i feel others loosely forming
i see glimpses
but there is no respite from this madness

why have you cast a spell on me?
for the love of the light, why do you move like you do?
you know **** well nothing else will suffice
you unleashed a wildness
that will not be contained

i guess i better just
batten down the hatches
with my pen and paper

it's gonna be a long night.
a m a n d a May 2013
[or more reasons I want to slap you right across your pretty face]

upon wakening
my brain informed my arm to
tell my hand
to pick up a pen and
tell of your voice

the first time
  i hear your particular  vibrations
your sound waves
  your signals
over the air
i almost drove off the side of the road
...now i have to close my eyes
and hold my breath
trying to hear a silent memory
  stored in a recess of my mind
your voice has a musical quality
   a warm tone
that i miss

this brings me to your perfect, hateful lips
  (really, i could do without all of this nonsense)
this very moment my heart is pounding
   right out of my chest
         my jaw clenched
                 my eyes glaring stubbornly into blank space
                        just because i *thought
about your lips.

  the perfect lines
the feel of them pressed against mine
  first so soft, like nothing i have felt before
so light and glorious time stands still
   there is nothing but happiness
until there is also heat
   and time quickens
     while kisses slow
        contain more pressure
          more need
            and nothing exists
               but you and your lips.

i want to slap you
   for informing me of your jogging habit
my imagination is quite active
   and the last possible thing i need
is the sun...
   glinting on your hair
       on your stupid muscles
i mean, seriously?
i've almost run down 18 men
  that look nothing like you
because of this insanity
   that has saturated my brain
my nerves
   my emotions
      my instincts

never in my life
   have i been slammed
with such desire
   *knowing
exactly
how to end this madness

but forced to remain still.
regulating breath.
letting words flow
trying to calm the mind.

but my body wants to m o v e .
my heart wants to explode
my breath wants to quicken...
my voice wants to escape...
my nails want to claw...
my teeth want to bite...

release me from this madness...
   i just want to get through one ******* day
   one godforsaken lonely night
   without this ridiculous longing
a m a n d a Jun 2014
things being
    or not being
is not such an easy thing to decipher.
got to go
*got to go.
a m a n d a Jan 2014
apparently
there will be no sleep till brooklyn
on this night of newness
new [old]
green [gold]
it's all the same.
a m a n d a Mar 2017
exaggeration inevitably
brings you
closer
to
the
source.
a m a n d a Aug 2023
he can’t hide
the dreams in his eyes.
so i guess I’ll
lay on this flowered couch
and watch the birds
in a hall & oates love song rampage.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
i had a dream
that for a moment
we were walking together
and when i held out
my hand to you,
you took it.
a m a n d a Nov 2013
if i'm online
i'm alive

if i'm one line
i'm a life
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