our president is a
legit mobster
and normally sensible people
don’t care.

just sayin.

let's not discuss
the past, alright?
because there are
    are a few   f l a w s
with the whole
         ******* idea
of this stupid linear
       time
thing
anyway.

i don't like it.
but seeing as how
      i am currently unable
  to grasp time
       in any other way
(not for lack of trying)
i am stuck with this
     past, present, future
*******.

if you fall into the
t r a p
  of the beckoning past...
and you visualize yourself
           quite literally turning
   your head to look
behind you
                           eyes closed
   summoning memory...
you are about to
   encounter
all kinds of problems.

it is hard
when you
  desperately
try to hold onto
        a time of joy
     recall a person
                         no longer with you
a song
      a smell
fabric
      colors
sometimes these help
but...
good luck with that.

your memories
      are as good as
   your brain
                 - or your old photographs
digital images
       videos
   artifacts
            ...but guess what?
it's all in your head.

and your beautiful mind
      is likely playing
  all kinds of tricks
             on you
       making up complete lies
   presenting you with
           non-existent memories    
making mediocre times (at best)
           seem like "the good old days"
it will cast a false golden
      light over everything and
everyone that will cause you
           to           ...    get              ...stuck
        gazing fondly...tearfully...at the past
...everything glowing so nicely
(if only things could be that way again...)

snap out of it!
now you're a melancholy
    nostalgic
 emotional wreck in
this time, just spitting
         neurons all over the place
  thinking about that other time

if you've angrily slammed
   your brain into reverse
d e t e r m i n e d
      to figure out
what the **** just happened and why
best of luck to you
        where did the last 10 years of my life go?
   why did this person die?
             what went wrong?

go ahead and dig
   that **** up
and make sense of dirt.

because dirt makes
   just about as much sense
as anything else.

so there you are...
    frozen in this time
           in an emotional frenzy
   determined and trusting your
       brain to find the answers
  in the past
(because who better
       than you
    can know and remember?)
                              brain churning backwards
                 like an old tape reel
and what have you got?
   more truth
lies
   exaggerations
misrepresentations....
all in your mind
(let me take a moment here to stress a different word)
all in your mind.

all the real life people
    the three-dimensional objects
are moving  a r o u n d
         you and your crazy brain
in space and time
      (which is also moving)

what's the friggen point?!
i know, i know.
(i'm not saying this facetiously)
it's sad
    that the past is gone.
that actual living people
become past -
        that makes about as much
sense as dirt.

my point?
let's just not
    talk about the friggen past...
it's sad, it seems
   no matter
         how you
    look at it.

i don't know
       how to breathe
in this state of
hypervigilant sorrow.

ask me
      who i am
and i can speak
only in shadows.

in order to
r e f l e c t back
i like to be a m i r r o r

i'm just gonna
eat the ****
out of these tortilla chips
cuz really
what else is there?
i defy you
to tell me something
that makes an ounce
more sense
than tortilla chips.

it's hard to realize
that you are being knocked off a pedestal
you were never on.

it's hard to believe words
when you can see that the words are as thin as air
no meaning exists where nothing remains

admiration matters
beauty matters
and above all else
thinness matters

depression doesn't matter
sadness doesn't matter

**** art.

(don't worry, i got this)


the sun touched my face
    the whole way home
and still,
     i cried.

some people
are just
not very smart.

i'm talking adults.

they just don't have the
it, the
thing
that all the smarties
seem to have.
but they do seem
to talk a good game.

a key component is missing.
things don't add up.

and it's a
strange thing to witness,
to come to terms with,
to accept.

but let me tell you
the strangest thing
the most maddening of things:

observing other people
who you otherwise know
as smart people
fall prey
to one of the dummies.
the liars.
the snakes in the grass.

observing you
in this state of
sickness
and dementia
and delusion
is unreal.

you don't seem to be aware
that you are sick at all.

and in watching the
contortions you will make
for this fraud,
i see that stance
you have taken
on me.

why have you
brought me
to this place?
it is unknown to me
but still,
i flail around
like an utter fool
for you  
searching for
the rhythm
looking for
the way through.

confused by the specimens
of my life
the cross-sections
on display
lined up neatly
for me to mull over
in the dark.

sleep
is perpetually
rounding the corner
                              his
                       robes
          whispering
on the ground

i follow the
        paths that seem
                         promising
          taking measures
ingesting
      pharmaceuticals
            routines in place
                                      cool air
                              soft pillows
            layered blankets
but the path
     is hard to follow
i lose my way
so i eat
i write
i drink
i search
all the nights
                of my life.

my whole life
  i’ve wanted to be
a    c y b o r g
all because of
   the dream of (data)
I AM THE BORG
   I AM A CYCLON
I AM THE TERMINATOR
and i am
   | coming | for | you |

whatever it is
   you think you are
            or are not
it doesn't matter

i will tell you
    what you are
              because i can see you
(and you cannot see yourself)

you are mythical
made of fire
and grit
and a golden heart
a dense piece
of the universe
struggling to find itself
spooky action
at a distance
when light is shined

entanglement is required
to explain what is happening here

entanglement explains
what is happening
between us
/shivering/
       .particles.
>colliding<

sounds like
a crazy circus
bass dropping
and
i am all alone
in myself.

accusations of ****** assault
are not a smear.

think before you speak
for christ's sake.

the sound of a trumpet
   means more
when you've put one
        to your lips
  felt the cool metal
blown through teeth
and lips
  the air
       full of life

oh ****.
i just had
another thought.

when kaepernick
kneels
to express
distress at his
country's
injustices
against
minorities,
(and for christ's sake
if you believe
there is no injustice
then i don't know
what to say to you)
in a quiet,
legal,
non-violent
expression,
a demand
for unity,
equality,

he is booed.
made fun of.
called
a traitor.
entitled.
disrespectful.
unpatriotic.

everyone loses
their godforsaken
minds
because a black
man
with money
kneeled.

for ****'s sake, people
wake the
**** up.

you know
what's disrespectful?

violence.
inciting violence.

you know
what's unpatriotic?
denigrating
entire groups
of human
beings.

entitled?
if equality is
special treatment
then i guess so.

i'm bout ready
to take the
******* knee
myself,

seeing the
rampant,
jovial
racism,
sexism,
classism.

the absolute
pride
people in
my country
are taking
in marginalizing,
dehumanizing,
belittling,
assaulting.

it's disgusting.

without a doubt
i will take
the *******
knee.

i am plagued with a heavy sense
of the meaning of things
and it is too much
for me to bear.

so i ask you, sage,
     in all sincerity
  how to put aside
a ridiculous pride...a palpable fear
to let fly
the asking?

easy?
no.
i have found no easy thing worth doing
or loving.
   i don't want ease
i want l o v e
  that i would burn bridges for
a struggle of understanding
that will keep me alive and whole
a sickening rush
worth every sacrifice.

paralyzing terror
because nothing is due me...
nothing should be expected
so nothing can be misplaced
    misguided

restraint,
restraint!!!
yes?!
   yes.
that must be the answer.

for if not restraint,
  then earth shaking love.
and if the earth shakes
  people might get hurt.

and i might be one of them.

is my back
  against the wall?
or am i on
    the e d g e of a cliff?

i only ask
because sometimes
it’s hard to tell.

space is vast
and the wood is wild
the waters are dark and deep
this is as true as my love
as keen as my discerning eye
and discriminating sense
when it comes to you.
i saw you.
without haste, i watched.
i listened
like an owl in the night, my eyes gleaming under the light of the moon.
i learned the rhythm of the man,
and in love i joined the dance.

in the light of the sun you shone like music
your face a radiance that warmed those near
your voice soothing, a weapon on my heart
fingertips on strings….whispers in ears…hand in hand.

dreams awakened
ideas shared and seeds beginning to grow
lazy afternoons under blankets
quiet afternoons
walks around the neighborhood
subtly scented smoke dancing in the warm breeze
I knew you. I saw into you from the start.

what you do not know of yourself, i know for you. and i love.
of this you can be assured.

shining metallic futures
brilliant, advanced, and p o s s i b l e
   so close….r e a c h i n g
together reaching
for truth   and sense   and purpose
for the future

two peas in a pod
masked the harshness of the truth
we saw together in the world


without beckoning me to follow
you turned from the shining of the light to the deepness of the wood
with hard eyes a dark magic was summoned
a desire in the man i could not fulfill
I reside in the vastness of space.
of love   of possibility   of life

you reside in the deepness and the wild of the wood
you require a final song of love to a dead man walking.
in your sleep i have wished you well.
in your sleep i had whispered for fate to grant your health your wellness and your happiness

the ocean deep beckons
wet eyelashes and big brown, searching eyes
my love i am here
    what you are seeking
you refuse to see
i   am   right   here.

i can only watch in confusion and anguish at the edge of the deep
i am light and free of the tangles that snare you in the wild
you stubbornly refuse my gentle hand
reaching to pull you into the light

my love for you is without beginning or end
my anguish electrifies a growing empty space
thoughts collide, repel, attract

what i mistakenly took for a growing bloom
was a withering branch
what i took for honesty
was cowardice
what i took for love
was a black hole.

dilapidated
     fattened
i will not
give chase.

(or at least that's what i tell myself)

why do you resist
    and force me into this
unnatural
    writhing
close to t e a r s
        state of disarray?

i'm too aware...
   you are too clear...
you are soaked into my bones
my body has plans for you
       reacts to unconscious bursts of chemistry
  before i know you have even entered my thoughts

i know you hear the pounding of
  my heart...feel the v i b r a t i o n s
through e x p a n d i n g  space
   calling you to action

come to me

tell me your heart's desire
and you will have it
whisper your secrets
and i will surrender

i want you. only you.
come... *now.

take me back
where you are king
and space is timeless

s i n k with me
let go of your burdens
let me be your *other
relax in my arms while i
   stroke your hair
speak and let me listen
without
   judgement

follow me

in the flickering light
   we are lovers
to rival those of myth
  and legend throughout deep time

you are perfection
   summoning indescribable ecstasy
when no words have escaped my lips
   to betray my secret desires
   ...your touch an almost unbearable
manifestation of fantasy made flesh

let me slowly kiss all
of you, lingering here and
there to make you
sigh and your heart pound...

hear the truth in my words
and
come to me
do not delay.

i’ve been doing
     a lot of typing
     and deleting
     as of late.

     bringing thoughts
     to the present
     assigning letters
     and codes
     and then

b a c k

     letter by letter
  a retreat
to the succinct
the appropriate
the vague
the non-committal
the veil
the chain

to t h i s day...
    to t h i s minute
i suddenly find myself
trying to find you
   in that song on repeat
       in the art
         in beautiful
           and tragic things.
(it's a hard place to be.)
   the last cry
never being
    the l a s t cry.
if i close my eyes
i can still remember
   i can still s e e
and it hurts more than anything
and i l o v e it more than anything
    when you feel just a little bit closer
   when the light is just right
and this song comes on
  and then i can see you right t h e r e
and feel for a moment
  the happiness i used to feel.