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a m a n d a May 2013
my misery
  doesn't particularly like company
but sometimes it likes tequila

tequila makes me sleepy
  at least then i can take a break
from thinking

what i want
  no one will give me

i need someone else to acknowledge
the reality and horror of this construction

i found a cure
  for unrelenting
and unreturned
desire
and friendship

it is misery and hopelessness.

i used to be self-righteous and holy
until i knew better
i listened and heard silence
i'm on my own

where i was hesitant
   i want to be bold
self-conscious
   i want to be free

but i'm hot
  my ankle is chained
    i'm rejected
      i'm miserable

and i just want to lay on the floor
for a year or two
with a thimbleful of tequila
and straighten things out.
a m a n d a Jan 2019
you are the best love i ever
i m a g i n e d
a m a n d a Jul 2020
****** with
music &
              words
a m a n d a Nov 2018
(and other tales of the
21st century)

swish swash
lay  l
         o
           w
take it slow
because fear is ripe
the fear is hype.

tiggle toggle home for
the hope is h i g h
the power is nigh
and the young are
bold.
`1
a m a n d a Sep 2020
suddenly
i completely
understand
tiktok
it is a direct
result
of the time
and is responding
to a clear
demand
a m a n d a May 2019
life spans and fractures
into both
    grim intervals
  and
eras of expanse.
the time of you
  stretches behind me
to this moment and no further.
it cannot be,
   so i live in a past of you
covered in the thinnest lines of gold
  the light heartbreaking
  and the air life itself.
   the music encompasses
what even words cannot
      and i could weep at my thankfulness.
today, like every day
  i have the smallest grasp
  the smallest hope
  that the time of you
        stretches and conforms to
  the shape of one more day.
a m a n d a Jul 2014
the bluest blue
swiping left
swiping left
looking for you
*looking for you.
a m a n d a Apr 2018
human,
do not project yourself
onto the other.
do not look at the other
and say to yourself,
"well if i were her,
i would..."

you are a better human
when you project yourself
into the other
when you lose yourself
and become them
you will see
  the way forward.
a m a n d a May 2022
i can surely tell
you what it's like
out in these streets.
but i don't think
you're going to like it.
a m a n d a Jul 2020
is to be
the experience
of |something| else
humanity is an e x p e r i e n c e
    not an thing.
a m a n d a Apr 2015
pink plastic
batteries
wet spit
a black wing
  on the pavement

a light that went out
water that drips

a blinking clock
a m a n d a Sep 2020
i just want to know
all of
it.

all of the information.

feed me
all the words
all the stories
all the photographs
all the art
all the music
make me understand.

because you can't
understand
without first
knowing.
you must know
what has happened before
what is happening now
and it takes precious time
to accumulate this information.

only when you understand,
can you act.
only when you listen,
can you know.

if i could just store
organize
cross-reference
all the things
i would
k n o w
a m a n d a Jul 2016
why are you such a devil?

stopping me
in my tracks
with your words.

c o m p l e t e
joy

eyes growing wide,
an actual
r e a l
smile

and i love
that i can
imagine you
hear your love's
breathing

see the fluid
graceful
motion of
your mind.

i am
robotic.

stunted.

struggling
to piece together
thoughts.

i'm happy
you're here.

and i
want
more.
a m a n d a Feb 2014
i may consider
   tidying up this joint
when i feel a breeze of say,
40 degrees
whisper through my hair.
for christ's sake!
enough!
*enough.
a m a n d a Oct 2013
lend me your ears
and i will tell you a story

there are truly monstrous
little creatures
running about
WITH TOO MANY ******* LEGS

one night
one of these monsters
revealed itself
to the terror
of its human onlooker

let me explain terror
in this instance
it is a feeling that may or may not
cause one
to literally tear one's clothes off
put on uninfested clothes
and flee the premises

and i mean flee

now i'm not saying
i know someone who would do this
but i heard this story
of a woman
that, in a state of such terror
in a state of such
severe heebie jeebies
tore around town
and screamed "too many legs!"
out her rolled down windows

when this medicine did not
cure said
heebie jeebies
there was truly a sight and sound
to behold

now i'm not gonna lie
it was me, ok?
don't judge
because of this next part
i am very proud

i just sang
my ever loving
heart out
to a 10 mile radius
and i mean i
sang that ****

anyone who hadn't heard
"gorilla" by bruno mars

has now heard it.

and the energy i released
was profound
because i hit that note
*******:

I bet you never ever felt so good, so good
I got your body trembling like it should, it should
You'll never be the same baby once I'm done with you

You [3x]

the "you" is the crucial part
and i'm telling you
i just sang the **** out of that song
until i got dizzy
and my fists hurt from pounding the
steering wheel

it gave me enough courage
to re-enter the premises
pop a bottle
grab my laptop
(while doing a little dance of terror)
and jump on the couch

the only problem
is that if you
sing the **** out of "gorilla"
literally 25x
too many legs
becomes the least of your
problems

you realize
quite absurdly
how at the present moment
you are not
making love like gorillas
a m a n d a May 2014
things are not going as planned.
a m a n d a Dec 2020
this layer of life,
(or living itself)
is permeable
variable
your ability or
even desire to see
hazy or
hi-def
seeing only what
can be perceived
in that
moment

to be fully present and aware,
to see all the layers
the tilt-shift perspective
the zoom in
the micro
the macro
the meta
the step-back
c l e a r l y

is such a rare
and beautiful thing.
a m a n d a Jul 2014
i think it's all
i ever wanted in my
whole life,
to lay under this tree
be swept by these great,
weeping branches.

i think it's all
i ever wanted in my
whole life,
to feel this violent wind,
the spray of water and
the filtered sun.

i think it's all
i ever wanted in my
whole life,
to hold this pen
and see this lined paper,
hear the traffic and the birds.

it's all i ever wanted
it's all i ever wanted.
a m a n d a Oct 2018
writing is just teaching.
but a poem is taught
with love.
a m a n d a Sep 2013
there are men,
and then
there are men
honest in their
humility
undeniably selfless
bright with
intelligence
unaware of their
magnetism
their strength
their
rarity
they walk around
oblivious
of their mind numbing
effects on
the opposite ***
the weakened knees
the quickened breath
men
we see you
a m a n d a Jul 2020
dreams of
turquoise
&
black
&
pink
a purple curtain
in the wind
green plants
yellow glow flames
drizzle
and thunder
and i guess this
is as good
a time as any
to be alive.
a m a n d a Aug 2016
tears used to come
so easily to me.
just under the surface,
a running stream.

now,
a simmering wreckage
that erupts

straight from
the bowels of the earth
exploding from my eyes
and throat

and  i cannot think
i cannot move

i fumble for something

i call out

but no one is there

and i think
i can't
go on

my face contorts
a rising scream
i crumble into
myself

i blow into
a tissue
and see the blood
and cry
because i didn't know
i was so colorful

days stack
upon days and
i find myself
talking out loud
alone
surprised at the sound
of my own voice,
that i even have one

eventually the hysteria ends
all the devices are charged
99%

and it all
slowly starts again

the guise
the cover up
the churning
the emptiness
the suspicion

and it
cannot be
stopped.

only pushed away

until all real things
come crashing
against you

and you have no choice
but to make the air frigid
crawl under
white fuzzy blankets
and
scream for the terror
the loneliness
the uncertainty
the displacement of peace
and withering away
of all hope.
a m a n d a Feb 2014
if i don't die
  from embarrassment
it will be
a bewildering fluke of the universe.
a m a n d a May 2013
a frightening realization
when life breathes in you
(consciously aware)
blinking through suspended time
and inhaled air

reality moves slowly and thickly
(between planes of shifting awareness)
when the truth is so bright and unsettling….
gazing through time is heavy
(the burden of truth)
almost more difficult
to know what you have.
a m a n d a Aug 2018
it’s hard to imagine
being deceieved
it’s understandable for others,
but oh, not for me.
( i am better.)
<i am stronger.>
a m a n d a Jun 2017
you have to be able
to look at life
as it presents itself to you
and learn
to rearrange the pieces
until they align
with your idea
of yourself.
a m a n d a Sep 2013
i feel heavy
   and old.
i feel
right
aligned.

young ones
make me
laugh
and smile
with their
antics
their
innocence
their curiosity

but i quickly
grow grim
because i know
someday
they will be
like me.

right aligned.
attuned to the desperate
march of the masses
full of hope
and then
withered to
dust

try to be independent
girls
get your education
girls
and your loans
girls
get married
girls
get divorced
girls
get a job
girls
get laid off
girls
lose your health insurance
girls
try to hold your head high
girls
try not to cry
girls
don't run out of gas
girls
learn to put air in your tires
girls
get used to silence
girls
get used to disappointment
girls
learn to command your voice
girls

don't look back
girls.
a m a n d a May 2015
my phone
like a little bird
on my shoulder
telling me lies.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
for a second
i imagined
myself trying to
  actively resist
the imprint
  you are pressing down
like paper
fleeing
from the
impending ink
soaked stamp.
a m a n d a Mar 2015
hanging off my bed
with all the drama
my thirty-five years
can muster,
i cry
because suddenly,
i can see time's tendrils
reaching around
my eyes,
and i feel old.
a m a n d a Dec 2014
i met a fox
eyes red
smoke surrounding
beads hiding
   ambien queen dreaming
you've gone places
  no one has been and
i've been here before.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
could it really be
that all that was needed
was to hear a little
no doubt

to make me
remember who the *******
i was
before
all of this?

f e a r l e s s
a m a n d a Aug 2013
i had an epiphany
under the overpass
cognitive dissonance
finally cracked
like a raw egg
and i understand.

i've been racking
my brain for months
hours spent staring at the wall
reviewing 10 years
trying to figure out
what i've ever done to you
to make you
want to  \d e s t r o y\  me

now i understand,
your highness
i've been clinging to the
assumption that
you are a decent man!
my god!
what a ******* idiot i am!
the answer is so simple
when  /perspective/  shifts

even after all
the
vile
|unforgivable|
words
your hurled at me
it didn't sink in...
after year upon year
of selfish behavior
i still
sit here like a fool
wondering why you are
only thinking about yourself
and don't give a **** about me

apparently you don't reward
your faithful servants.

now i understand,
your highness
everyone just seems
to adore you
their eyes are upon you
because they don't know you
you shall have
every ******* new
shiny toy you want

but under the overpass
i understood
i know how much woman
was behind the man
|apparently there is already a new woman|
so i ask

where is the man?

how long will it take
for the man
to collapse atop
his poorly built costume
stumbling about on stilts?

this woman is just
                                   pure ***
|a fine ***|
   ******* woman

so **** this ****
**** your selfish ******* attitude
your kingly pretend
graciousness
pennies for my service

the overpass granted clarity
                                       and i will take it
you have egg on your face, *****!                  
                 and i am *brilliant
a m a n d a Jun 2015
amount of
sour cream
l
love
you.
a m a n d a Dec 2013
i'm getting
the distinct impression
that
i should take my ball
and go home.
a m a n d a Oct 2018
to lead is to speak,
so s p e a k.
whether a whisper
or a roar
a song or a
story
to o n e person
or one million,
just speak
what you know
to be t r u e.
a m a n d a Aug 2014
not a single thing
can be taken
when there is
nothing to be had

what i thought was
black is
grey
grey
grey

and the water
doesn't stop flowing
and no new sun
rises for me.
a m a n d a Sep 2021
( sweet corn | work zone ahead | do not pass )

i think everyone is everyone.
i simply can't help it.
a m a n d a Mar 2015
i cannot write
because
i cannot *feel
a m a n d a Jan 2015
myths i cast
in a golden glow
spinning tales of love
scratching tiny black lines
on hot pressed paper

raw lip,
biting down
i know it is a tale
and so i do not dare advance
without my war paint

i am no fool.
a m a n d a Apr 2014
i'm fairly certain
that when i sit perfectly still
on a rock
no one can see me.

i'm getting good at
becoming the rock,
staring daggers into the
trees and sky,
trying to figure out
what they are up to.

as far as i can tell,
trees don't feel bad
about stretching toward the sun;
they don't feel like *******
reaching for what they need most.

they don't even move.
they make themselves home
and get stronger and stronger;
and even if they get knocked down
they are beautiful
little birds hopping,
critters scampering and
golden light stretching.

once i sat on a rock
and stared daggers into the creek.
huge pieces of ice would
suddenly break off
and join the rush of water,
always moving,
that crazy sun
a ball of gas in the sky
making the ice in the creek melt.

i really don't know what to do with myself
other than watch this
drama unfold;
sit still on rocks
and watch, and wait.

and i always leave in a
fit of fleeting glory;
where i temporarily,
for a tiny instant
see myself
as a thing of the earth
turning into something
magnificent and powerful...

and then it is gone.

and i think about
how silly my life is
how i try so hard
to give myself
an interesting story to write.
a m a n d a Jan 2017
what do
     y o u
want to
c o n n e c t
to?
a m a n d a Jan 2020
for a time
i could not stop imagining
the ocean
the beach
the flowers
and almost believed
it might be something
within my grasp
a m a n d a Apr 2018
the only reason to m a n a g e
is that your teaching
has
failed.
a m a n d a Jun 2022
-

through green meadows
and orange haze,
hooves thundering
manes in the wind.

we ride at midnight,
under the pull of the tides,
the atmospheric forces,
the nebulous light.
a m a n d a Dec 2013
despair      
a hollow ache
and empty gut
when a life invested
is laid bare
to the truth
of misaligned
roads
and all that is you
is proven
a little off track
a little too soft

despair
when all
the risks
have been revealed
fruitless

an effort
to drag every thought
from the
pit of fear
growing silently
the panic
gripping every
fiber of your being
telling you to run

despair
when there is
nowhere to turn
this feat of endurance
too much
this constant
second guessing
eroding
what is left

a body is hard pressed
to contain
such anguish
a mind
is disciplined
for only so much
before
connections sever
and something is lost
that cannot be regained

the mind
is hard pressed
to describe
its own torment
the sense of self
constructed so carefully
is exposed as temporal
and
under pressure
will begin to crack

there is no irony
just abandoned ignorance
biology and chemistry
and
a plagued
awareness of consciousness
a m a n d a Jan 2018
is d e t a c h
from
that emotion
you know,
in a 1980's
kinda way.
a m a n d a Apr 2014
i mean seriously,
if anyone honestly thinks I
give a rat's *** about anything
they are dead wrong
like whatever...
like I care what anyone
says or does
i don't have a caring bone in my body
someday soon i will care so little
i won't even have to write about it.
a m a n d a Nov 2013
i could say how much i love you
but that wouldn't mean a thing.

so instead i will speak to the light in your eyes
   and the warmth in your smile
      that saves even my negative brain,
where memories fade too quickly.

i can only hope that we will occupy
the same time and space
    until there is time no more.
a m a n d a Sep 2020
dancing
singing
the sun in the sky
and the grass under my feet
pretending
reading
swimming
writing
memorizing
drawing
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