what i want is to disappear.

i want to implode into a weightless cloud of nonexistence.

one cannot escape the body
it is real
it is tangible
it is there for everyone to see
to judge

it is there for you to feel
it is inescapable
the feeling of gravity
of mass
of time

it is hopeless to expect otherwise

if i had a soul to sell
i would have sold it,
fool that i am.

i would throw every device
and colored pencil into the ocean
...i'm so stupid.
but i would.

i would give up on words
i would delete delete delete

every single day brings
some new miserable
revelation

and i can't get a grip
and i can't shake this feeling
and i don't know where to look

when everything i see
is cast in your shadow
when everything i feel
is d i m
compared to the firestorm
i feel around you.

all that you know
   y o u can teach | me

and all that i know
       i can teach | you.

to be an artist
means
to go beyond
  just the deconstruction
       to go beyond
            even the rebuilding
but to embrace
the actual structures
   that create our reality
and know them so well
as to be able to
undo them completely.

and then start them again.

this is what art is.

this is what it means.

i'm not always sure
  where to draw the lines,
although i know i want
  to draw a circle around us, for instance
and dare the usual way of things to break it
  dare anyone or anything to step inside it.
now i know how easily things break
  the pattern of things being lost
...and i think i could save us with my lines,
my circles
and i'm not messing around this time
i feel too ferocious to be a passerby
i feel too strong to be so easily pushed aside.

money is about priorities,
and this may not be apparent
until you barely have enough
to get by.

to many children,
it is like magic.
it appears in other people's hands
and gets you
things you WANT.

not until you are a teenager
do you realize that there
are some things you WANT
not just for fun,
but because these THINGS
shape your life, are essential
to your way of life, and are
felt as NEEDS.
a car.
lipstick.
phone.

then money becomes
abstract, once again.
credit card.
student loan.
car loan.
it's what people do.
no one sits you down
and helps you figure out
how much those student loan
payments are gonna be in 10 years
with such and such an assumed salary.
with so and so bills.
you are 18.
you don't have a clue.

the illusion will
eventually come crashing down.
the abstract
becomes concrete,
and the math doesn't
add up.

that's if things go well.

what happens if things
don't go as planned,
as they so often do not?

you may just plummet
into an unfathomable hole.
(it's really not as hard
as you might think.)

and in this state,
you realize money is
about priorities.

if you have no credit cards,
and no savings,
you only have exactly what you earn.
and what you earn may not reflect
your years of experience, work,
and education.

then what?
you choose.
you prioritize.
and i don't mean, oh
should i go to the bahamas
or iceland this summer?

i mean,
shelter.
where can i live?
can i afford to live anywhere
on my own?

transportation.
if i don't have a car
i can't get to work.
if i can't work,
i can't live.

food.
how can i make
this little bit last 2 weeks?

pay the electric or the gas?
because i can't pay both.

cable? internet?
pick one.

new clothes?!
ha! doesn't make the cut.

doctors?medicine?
good ******* luck
with that one.

someone asks you to go out,
for a birthday, just for fun.
you break into a cold sweat
trying to figure out if there is
any possible way to act like a normal
human being and go out.
there might not be, and you will have to say no.

the government would like
their loan money.
it's simply not possible.

it's christmas.
what are you gonna do,
not pay rent for a month
in order to get presents?

and you hear people
give you ridiculous advice
for a situation they
have never experienced.

just don't have a coffee.
or color your hair.

just get another job.

because they don't see
that what they are suggesting
is that you take away
the smallest, maybe only
pleasures in your life.

or that you are literally
one costly repair away
from being homeless.
carless.
jobless.

it spirals quickly.
and if your masters degree
can't get you out of poverty,
but has actually made it worse,
what is the answer?

sometimes it doesn't matter
even if you do
*all the right things.

breathless
feeling the sound vibration flow
spreading out in waves
of anticipation
vein-like and
following an internal structure
and wait
gasp
    gasp
/breath/
all of honor and hope
rides in that breath
to be taken
down
   down
       down
| d r o p
             |
the s o u n d
   so r o u n d
the release
so great
bass brings the
music inside h e r e
instead of up there
brains are boring
the p u l s e
is life

in the end,
it just may be
that we are both able
to imagine the same world
                     with the same rules
                          the same love
and so this imagined world
hovers nearby
unwilling or unable
   to be brought
      to fruition.

the rejects.
the uglies.
the fatties.*

slightly u n d e r
and to the left
                     of the mainstream

dug under a little,

|grooving at our own pace|

pulling at the roots.

is she an
all-powerful
world leader
in control
of every country
on earth,
the mastermind of
a global conspiracy,
and in control
of the entire
US government?

or

is she a
completely
incompetent woman
unable to achieve
one single thing
in her lifetime?

just checking.

for a long time
i didn't know
that the sun
was a ball
of flaming
gas spinning
in outer space.

and i can't
remember
what i thought
it was
before i knew
the truth.

things unknown
become
known.
the truth
revealed
so
s l o w l y

reality
constantly
shifting
blurring
becoming clear

you are like
the sun.
living in
my mind
so bright
so beautiful

but no matter
what i do
i cannot
figure out
if you are
known
or unknown
to me

are you
a mysterious
light
in the sky?

or are you
the sun?

marketplace this!
n.y.
state.
of.
health.
(just sayin')

have i made it through the winter?
it appears i have.
i don't think it was enough.

maybe, just maybe
if the birds come back and
build a nest for me
to look at everyday
that will be enough.

no.
i know what birds are.
they are distractions.
but i can be distracted for months.

birds are real and
birds are beautiful
but they are not my birds.

where are my birds?!
why can't i have my own birds?!

my tree.
my nest.
my birds.

i can build things.
i can make things.
i can even act like a crazy robin
  defending her children,
  flying and lunging at intruders.
i could.
i can even hop around
  with my mate and get worms
  and give them all to the babies.
i don't need anything more than worms.
or sticks. or mud.
or a couple ******* birds to hang around with.

it's fine.
i'm fine.
maybe if i can just watch the robins
that will be enough.

beautiful
beautiful
please believe
my words

i wasn't looking
for you
i didn't mean
to stumble
upon you

if i had known,
if i had known...
would i have
turned my back
on you?
abandoned hope
and tread
my path
alone?

fool that i am,
i would not
i would not.

i fight
this feeling
of
earth-shattering
hope
because i cannot
stand the
pain of it
and suffering
reigns supreme.

i cannot hope.
i cannot.
i cannot.

star in my sky
keep burning
i am here,
*i am here.

just let me
       struggle
|alone|
   this bright summer
but don't leave me
     in the winter
no,
  don't leave me alone
in the cold.

(or - i fancy myself a queen -)


and somehow
i have begun,
very slowly,
to repaint myself
as some kind of queen.

and i don’t know yet
if it’s for the best.

though i would like to believe
that you are celestial

you are not.

and that is the biggest blow
to my psyche.

that we are not forever
(of this earth and this body)
when i love only you

i feel
e l e v a t e d
better than
myself

i have
always
thought
of you
as
a
l i g h t
shining
upon
me

(if there is anything to be said at all)



i know
i have to be ok
with or
w i t h o u t
you or
you or
you or
you...
and i think i can be,
BECAUSE I ALREADY AM.
besides, i have been
practicing
for so long.

but have you ever
imagined
what that is like?
to expect nothing
to hope for nothing
to attach to nothing
to depend on nothing
to let go
of
every
single
solitary
shred and
fiber of
e v e r y t h i n g?

can you imagine
what that’s like?

you -
are the sensitive one.

i mean,
for real -
all i’m saying,
is that sometimes,
people with the authority
to say so,
will tell you
something
pretty *******
concerning.
like life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness
kind of concerning.

and then
quite simply
send you
on
your
way.

there are things i do,
alone.
no one sees.
except for the shades
i have cracked.

this is how i know
when to stop.
or better,
to know to go
a little more.
i know because
it burns.
it warns me.
so i back away.

there are things
i thought once
that no longer
have value.
to anyone.

but i'm going
further,
faster
always with
eyes closed

i thought for a second
that i knew
how to make it better.
but nothing
past that moment.

sometimes i know
the best thing to do
and i push it
as far as i can
until no more.

sometimes i fail
to stop the
ash from
burning my foot.

it can always
be more
or better.
this will always be true.

pain is
a stealing of focus

i try to
spread it around
breathe it in

i don't know how
to get anywhere else.

i've used up
all the things
that i knew.

except i know
enough
to hide things.

even entire people.

there, but
not there.

then there is more,
better to see
in the dark

a taking away
of things
always being
pulled higher

it's a place you can go
to catch your head
rocking on what
you must mean

there is not a
way back
through time.

i try to be
the one
who doesn't need anything

i like the word
upon word
upon word
layers

to have no
partner
you have to just
show up

i turned it inside
out
for a moment

i think i
missed
the whole thing

is it strange?
this strange place i am in?
can you see it?
it's just that i can
see it all the time
and it is
distracting.

and i'm back
to a silvery
piece

you have to
invite
the cells
ask them to
come in

and you have to decide
like or dislike
depending on the stack
of the winters

if time is a circle
and not a line
then there is never a time
when you are without him.

you can't just go around
being someone
like that.
it's not fair.

you can't just go around
making people want things
they didn't even know were things to want.

you can't just go around
raising standards
like some kind of standard raiser
making things utterly hopeless
making your peers of the realm
look like a bumbling mass of
ugly monstrous idiots.

you can't just go around
with that face
making it impossible for people
to even get mad at you.

i mean, whatever...
i couldn't care less.

you think you are bright
because you are better at the game than i.

that is all it is, a game.
and so you are not that very special.
       you don't need to be distracted
                  by the burning gases and stretching matter
          that fight endlessly above us.

i don't see how it's relevant,
that you can move straight forward
             and i only in  h a l t i n g  steps
                       with frequent and suspicious looks
to the right
                 and to the left

my withstanding of this charade
        is coming to an end
i must be prodded back into place
          i must be shown the way forward
(though i know all the time that it is a trick)

let us all pretend that we feel at home
and that everything is alright

access to all things
privilege in my birth
resplendent in layers of blue
ties to no
thing

but i choose
my binding
i choose
my path

the storm has come
the winter is here
and i will shield
with my superpower
whomever i choose

i will warm this
stupid frozen earth with
golden light
and no one will
question
my intent

no one
will question the
sheer pomposity
of my will
and the
truth too complex
to name
(beating ferociously in my chest)

i am not amused
my strength in
my words
you will hear me
my love  
is a steadfast light.