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 Apr 2017 allison joy
Lexi Smith
WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS THIS?! I can't even talk to you... my heart is breaking constantly by the ignorant words you spew at me! Do you even care? You say you do. Do you even try? You say you do. Do you think of me when I'm gone? You say you do.. you say a lot of things.. but I think I'm simply to naive to understand, that it's all lies. You don't care, do you? And why would you?.. I have no where else to go, nowhere else to say what I'm feeling so I bottle it up, but its unlike a ship in a bottle, the contents of my bottle is more similiar to that of a liquor bottle. Just as the lowly alcoholic gets his comfort from his whiskey I get mine from admitting my true feelings inside this bottle, mine too is a nasty addiction. If I say anything about how much I care for you and how much pain you're causing me, I'll appear as a "crazy woman" or whatever else fits that same description. When in all reality, I just want to love on you, and you not take me for granted.. is that too much to ask? That you don't break my heart, because you keep doing it, over and over again. It's like you're picking at a scab and scarring me over and over again with your razor blade words. Please, stop. Take a look at what you're doing, please... before I wither away.
 Feb 2016 allison joy
don't tell me how i'm supposed to feel. stop dictating how fast my heart is supposed to beat, how clammy my hands should or shouldn't be. on good days i am able to rein in my mind, other days the tremors leak into my throat, taking over my vocal cords like venomous tendrils. don't tell me how i'm supposed to feel. your banal and repeated words are reflective of your foolishness and the windows to your soul are crumbling. do you tell a crippled man to rise and walk as if it is his weak will that bounds him to the wheelchair? in the same manner you are not the creator of my cerebrum and in no way are you entitled to categorize my twitching fingers, pale lips and darting eyes under Attention Seeking. is this a joke to you? is pacing around my room, battling myself, weighing the pros and cons of stepping out of the house merely for your entertainment? fit me in a metaphor- wring my skin, my bones, my muscles and you are left with a dehydrated skeleton and a pool of highly strung particles.
you cannot burn down history
it's not made of wood,
but hearts, skin,
and that empty feeling in your chest
maybe love is to watch a thousand winters pass, and still stand by his side because you know he's made of spring
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Lexi Smith
To the guy who always....
Is there.

To the guy who's always supporting me, when i think I might fall.
The guy who is kinder than words can say.

The guy who makes me feel like I am the queen of a planet.
To the guy who makes me feel like I can do anything.

To the guy with the true laugh,
The true smile.
The guy who I know would, for me, go an extra mile.

To the guy who holds me in his arms,
When the tears of depression, anxiety and other things I can't control burst forth from behind the dam I tried to build.

This is to the guy who tries so hard to make me happy,
To the guy who DOES make me happy.
That's the guy I want.
That's the guy you are.

I know I mess up.
I know you mess up.
Life is messy.
I don't mind cleaning things up with you.

Just so they can get messy again.

Because whether life is clean,
Or messy.

If I'm with you I'd love it all.

It's like weather.
We can dance in the rain and snow, play in the mud, enjoy the sunshine, and hide together from the hail.
The most important part is that even if we don't dance in the rain we can share the umbrella.

I'm not a meteorologist
I don't always know what the weather is gonna be like.
But I promise you
I'll be there in all weather patterns.
So let's look to the sky.

Make shapes out of the clouds.
Like our future, so far away.
But hey,
We're just describing what we see.
They're just clouds,
Floating in the breeze.
Distant possibilities.
For you.
And me.
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Lexi Smith
I spend all of my days, serving.
I wipe tables,
Sweep the floor,
Fix broken things,
Clean the windows.
I make people feel at home,
Feel like everything is taken care of.
I take away the mess. The dirt.
I make everything nice,
And pretty.

But I'm starting to think you're the server now.
You took away my "dirt," my problems.
You fixed my broken parts.
You took care of me,
And made me feel safe.

So what do you say?
Let's wait on each other.

Maybe you aren't a waiter.
Maybe you're a tree.
Through all the seasons, you're still there.

Maybe you're a love song,
Giving me hope and a sense of longing.

Perhaps you're an artist,
Painting the red colors of my cheeks.

Or are you a doctor?
Checking my heart and noticing it's beating very fast, for you.

Or maybe you're just you.
A man who loves me,
Takes care of me,
Cherishes me,
Supports me
And makes me laugh.

You teach me how to love

When we lay next to each other,
I can't tell where I end and
You begin.

So maybe I don't know what you are,
But I do know,
Who you are.
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Lexi Smith
I am free
Free as a bee
Free to be.
Whoever I say
Is me.

I can be by myself

I am strong.
Stronger than the gust of wind trying to knock me down.
Stronger than the comments of society that say I can't do it.
Stronger than the fear within us all try to rip out our hearts and tear through us.
Stronger than I ever needed to be,
Because I wanted to be.

I am content.
Content with my life and the way I'm living it, which is probably different than yours.
Content with my body so that when I walk by in the dress that I bought because it was on sale and cute as hell and you make comments, I smile and say it's great isn't it?
Content with the family I have, and the friends I surround myself with.
Content with the job I have, whether or not I have people who treat me like a dog because I'm a server.
I'm content with my late night Netflix binges, and my early morning runs.
I'm content with life.

I'm mentally independent.
Independent enough that I know at the end of the day I just need me.
Independent enough to know that I can be there for myself.
Independent enough that being there for others is a great joy and privilege.
Independent enough that I can go eat at a restaurant alone.
Independent enough that I can spend my own money on myself.

I don't NEED anyone.
If you're in my life, it's by choice.
I WANT you there.
So don't lose that privilege.
I've gotten rid of people who didn't appreciate me and who left me out to dry.
Don't think you're an exception.
You wanna be in my life?
Show me.
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Emmy Sun
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Emmy Sun
You are not supposed to feel alone when you are in a relationship. I can't get over the fact that you are so far away and I am dealing with everything by myself when you are supposed to be there for me. Why am I not good enough for you? Why do I feel inadequate? Why do you just leave without a word? Something is not right and maybe it is this relationship, maybe we are not meant to be, maybe you are not the love of my life, cause the love of my life would be there no matter what.

Or maybe I am just overthinking like I always do. Yeah that is probably it...
1 November 2015

to the boy who sang
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Lexi Smith
The moment i realize you're gone, is the moment I die.
More correctly, the person I was dies.
Because who I was with you, was something entirely different than I ever was.
When you left, she was put at a stand still.
But as soon as she knows we're through?
She'll be gone.

Sure, I could meet someone else but they will never be the same as her.
She was something I can't describe.
She was a best friend.
She and I got very close but now,
I can't do anything to save her.

I'm watching her die in front of me,
Very painfully.
Very Slowly.
All she says is,
"Be strong. Be strong.
You can do this.
Smile through it.
I love you..
I always did..
He always did."
And I just have to look down and
Be strong.
And say I love you too.
And say,
But I don't believe you.

That person will die..
And I will have to bury her.
Then I will grieve.
Then I will move on.
And when I think about her, the person I was with you,
When I think about you.
I'll be a little sad.
But then,
There will be a new me.

A me with no one.
Because this time I'll make me,
And I won't let anyone get close.
I'll travel,
I'll see the stars but from different countries.
I'll look at the horizon from the top of a mountain.
One I climbed,
By myself.
On journeys I took,
By myself.

Because I loved the person I had become.
But losing another person like her will hurt.
Very much.

The person you are?
Is the only person,
My person wants.

I may disagree with you sometimes but,
I'd still rather have that,
Than anybody in the world.
Because right now?
It's you,
Or nothing.

I don't want,
Anyone else.
I want you.

So I'll wait.
Waiting with a girl I love,
As she slowly dies.
No amount of fundraisers
Or spread of awareness can help her.
She and I are waiting,
And waiting...
Waiting to see,
If you will bring her
The medication to save her.
The one drug she needs to save her is something,
Only you can provide.

Wrote this a while back. Happy to have gotten over that.
 Nov 2015 allison joy
Lexi Smith
Who are we,
When the lights go out.
When everything is dark,
And no one is there.

Who are we,
In the dead of night
Where there is no light
Just the sounds of broken dreams
And of the screams
Of the people who cry

Who are we,
When the parents are screaming
And the children are fleeing
And no one acts as a human being

Who are we,
Behind closed doors.
When the only thing is gore
And nothing else is left anymore

Who are we!?
What have we done with our humanity?
Why doesn't it fit into society?!

There's havoc and war
People so poor
No one opens their doors
No one helps.

Riots for rights!
This isn't right.

So I ask!!
Who are we?
Can't you see
We need to be
The key
To save this destroyed society?!

There's inequality
People sold as property
They are
And killed.
People's choices are being stolen!

And we sit by
Doing nothing to help.

What is this?!
A game of hide and go seek with our humanity?!
Well guess who is winning?
No one.

We need to drop our pride and yell Olly Olly Oxen Free!
Who cares of winning?!
What we need is to have them back.
We've gone too long without it.
We're desensitized and that's
Our mind getting fed lies.

Either that or we need to run and chase as fast as we can to find them.
We cannot sit here.

Wh­ere are we when the teenage girls are screaming, and getting snatched up?
Where are we when the homeless man is getting beaten in the street?
Where are we when there are hate crimes against other races or people with other ****** preferences sometimes resulting in violence and even death?
Where are we?!
Why are we hiding!?
And why,
Are we motionless?
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