The city was in front of me
No wait, behind me,
It’s everywhere
Circling the room in its vibrations
And I can’t help but wonder
If we are on stable ground

Good memories never happen in nice cars.

And if you ask me
what the worst part
of a depressive episode is
It’s the during yes
but it’s the after
that follows you around
No matter how good you are
at compartmentalization
or pretending
it never happened

The aftermath of the storm
Is what stays with you
It’s diverting questions
and avoiding talking about
those missing periods of time
That’s what keeps you tethered
To the pieces of the past
that pose the biggest threat
The pieces you are skilled at
helping people forget

I am an hour away from you
And I am nervous
Scared that when we kiss
There will be no spark like before
But tell me
Does that even matter anymore?

I say I want to write a book
But all I really want to do
Is get high
Make little observations
Type them into my phone
And call it a poem

We met not too long before the worst chapter of my life began
You stayed,
Kept me writing the story
Here you are,
Still a main character
And us,
Landing on the same page

A savage storm was brooding
Right up inside my head
Winds were sadly slowly forming, yet
A word was never said

And when the weather matter gathered,
Unleashing fatal form
Drowning out my considerable existence
An eternal mighty storm!

Sodden skin and sunken soul,
My tangible testimony
Combat battle with myself
Was dragged out and lonely

Suddenly winds ceased to blow
Alleviated, parched—my soul;
The eye was fleeting, this I knew,
Dread to penetrate the whole

And then I saw the sunrise,
A pleasantly different form
In the context of epic battle
With my cerebral storm

Even the healthcare professionals
Were selling their services
They said thanks for choosing us
We're happy to have you
I told them I didn't have a choice
In having someone arbitrarily
Tell me I'm ok.

finally
feeling like I can sit here
doing anything
without
comparing.

This song is making
me feel at peace
I am talking to you
you are my friend
because we are interacting
and I’ll block out the voices
and you are saying things to my face

Over and over
Crimson and Clover
i am here.

You're still a month away
But I'm already planning
What I'll wear that day

When I get to see your face
After so long, so much
Don't let us go to waste

Please, let me be the person
You can't replace

I think you can become a writer
But are born a poet

There’s something I want to tell you
No, really tell you
Without fear of you not saying it back
Or you thinking it’s the
gratefulness-of-you-being-there-during-my-worst time talking crap

But there’s things my broken brain wants to tell you first, like
I’m sorry, this isn’t the way I planned us
You and me, so brief before the storm hit
And I’m sorry you’re the boy who had to meet this side of me
But I think maybe you’re the best one to handle it

And God, I miss you so much it hurts
How you make me feel
Like the brightest star in the sky
As if we are thunder and lightning
Like I have wings and can fly

I run out of rhymes and words
When I think of us two
But what haunts me the most
Is not saying
I love you

I want to hear Spanish
From up on the second floor
Maybe from the balcony
I want sand and desert dust
To line my feet and all the doorways
I want to live in the sun
And escape to the shade

Be careful what you celebrate...
Is this what freedom looks like
America?

When I imagine meeting the man I will marry
We are in a conversation with others
And someone says something
To which I reply
A quote from a movie
Off to the side
Too obscure for the average mind
And he would laugh
Or maybe say back
Another great line

Don’t move.
Lie very still.
Will that make this not real

Heavy
My heart, the blankets
Hold me down, hold me down

Keep in your screams.
They won’t do anything here
Not to capture this, the fear

Close your eyes.
Don’t let in any excess stimuli.
The head games won’t work this time

Unconscious
The only state I’m free
From earth, from me, from misery

Don’t wake up.
Please
Don’t wake up.

I needed to look outside
Deep into the dark night
And see nothing staring back at me

Or telling me what to say
How to be
Other than myself?
Do you think I don't know
What proceeds this next fall?
The light, the hope, the passion
That used to send sparks into the sky.

And now I just want to not think
About the world on my shoulders
The cramp in my hand because I can't
Keep up with how fast I'm thinking
And writing and loving and feeling and learning.

Be still
My soul
And I will rest, finally.
I will say nothing
But felt seen
And not heard

I am sick of calling out into the limitless night
Looking for answers
That will never come
Stars wished on are just comets.

They all crash and burn
Eventually.

thirty minutes left I am restless
I am afraid of sitting here for too long
my legs are moving
I need to get out of here
walk
drive
something
these meds are making me crazy
but far better than the alternative
catatonic
depressed
dead.

I am waiting to be in a bubble with you
where nothing matters
besides skin on skin
touching you
feeling me
breathing heavy

Nights like this are hard
Knowing I am not the girl
I used to be
I want to go back
To normal life
Where the edge is not always
Right under my foot
Where laughter and endorphins
Play
And thoughts are happy
Not regrettable
And I can look forward
To thinking about the boy
Who will one day rule the world
And I had hoped,
Mine too
But now nothing feels
Like it will ever amount
My life is ruined
I’m done
I’m out

I don’t want to hear about what you would do to me
If you were here
Or I were there, I want you to tell me
About the way I smile when I’m close to falling asleep
I want to hear all the little things you keep

My laugh when you tell a funny joke
Hand on your chest, arm around your neck
The way I yelled at the morning alarm
Just to stay in bed
The way you say I’m too **** cute
When I tell you 'don’t leave' in a way you can’t refute

I live with this outdated illness
That keeps following me around
Just when I think it’s gone for good
It creeps up without a sound

If you only knew how it killed me
But cruelly kept me alive
You would know that waking up
Is as good as fighting to survive

Where did I go this time
And how long will it take to find me
Will these pills give me the will to live
Or how about all the ******* therapy

Sometimes I wish it was cancer, or a tumor,
Something to prove I’m not well
Some redeeming affliction
To paint a portrait of this sickly hell

And when it hits the way it does,
Life gets put on the shelf
What kind of illness is this, where the
Main symptom is losing yourself

I wish more than anything
I could be in your arms right now
Not to any ends
Or for any purpose
Except to hold you tight
Brush your hair back
Kiss those glowy cheeks
And give you sweet
Sweet dreams

today
tonight
and every night
until I see you again
the rest are just a distraction
and I would be hurt
if I knew you were doing the same
but what else can I do
to ease the pain
that is missing you

I want to be so high I forget about you.

I’ve always had a fascination with palm trees
They make everything—
This state—prettier than it really is  
As if welcoming me to the holy city

I think I know you
But I’m not sure if
We ever really met

I don't remember telling you
That pink roses were my favorite
But you knew
Even sent some too
One thing I do remember
He never had a clue

Thank you

We weren't in the least bit afraid
Of breaking any rules
Because it felt all too natural
To be any sort of wrong

I’d go back to high school for a day
So I could say things like:
I have APUSH on G2
And I’ll meet you at passing
And See you tomorrow

But most importantly:
I know how to do calculus!

the smell of concrete
after a rain storm
was enough to soothe my soul
and tape up my broken pieces

2:05
I looked at the time displayed on my car's clock
And it read 2:11
Just 6 minutes after the chaos
That had proceeded this time
Or had just begun

You know, you’re not supposed to fall in love with the first girl you hook up with
Why do I never listen
To sane advice

She spoke a poem to me
Close to my face
And it went
She's the kinda girl who...
Pause
Just to have time with me
So she didn't have to
Brush her teeth

Love is hardly confusing in my mind
But time and place are seldom that kind

Maybe it's not
Not wanting to live
But Not wanting to live
Like this
With this
After this