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Alex B Jun 2020
Was it the look you gave me
When I walked in the room unannounced
Or on the fourth floor off to the side,
With my face nuzzled in your neck,
Soaking in your smell,
Wishing every breath I took could be like this one.
What about my fingers
Running through those tangled curls,
Touching all the special parts of you
While our bodies dance and swoon together.
And then there’s everything small,
Like the way you say my name surprised,
Three knocks on the bathroom wall,
The magical message you leave
When you give me a call.

For a time we loved in a bubble of bliss
I never knew I could miss--
But I'll see you there tonight
When I dream of your kiss.
Sep 2019 · 84
Rainy day
Alex B Sep 2019
the smell of concrete
after a rain storm
was enough to soothe my soul
and tape up my broken pieces
Sep 2019 · 99
Indigo
Alex B Sep 2019
I needed to look outside
Deep into the dark night
And see nothing staring back at me

Or telling me what to say
How to be
Other than myself?
Do you think I don't know
What proceeds this next fall?
The light, the hope, the passion
That used to send sparks into the sky.

And now I just want to not think
About the world on my shoulders
The cramp in my hand because I can't
Keep up with how fast I'm thinking
And writing and loving and feeling and learning.

Be still
My soul
And I will rest, finally.
I will say nothing
But felt seen
And not heard

I am sick of calling out into the limitless night
Looking for answers
That will never come
Stars wished on are just comets.

They all crash and burn
Eventually.
Alex B Sep 2019
it’s hard to tell
where it ends
and “I” begin.
Aug 2019 · 230
going back to California
Alex B Aug 2019
I want to hear Spanish
From up on the second floor
Maybe from the balcony
I want sand and desert dust
To line my feet and all the doorways
I want to live in the sun
And escape to the shade
Jul 2019 · 80
Advice from Mom
Alex B Jul 2019
Good memories never happen in nice cars.
Alex B Jul 2019
Maybe all the Disney moms are dead
To prove a point:
You can come back from anything
Jul 2019 · 74
Happy Fourth!
Alex B Jul 2019
Be careful what you celebrate...
Is this what freedom looks like
America?
Jul 2019 · 133
She's the kinda girl
Alex B Jul 2019
She spoke a poem to me
Close to my face
And it went
She's the kinda girl who...
Pause
Just to have time with me
So she didn't have to
Brush her teeth
an old poem I found in my notes!
Jun 2019 · 68
Motive for smoking
Alex B Jun 2019
I want to be so high I forget about you.
Jun 2019 · 89
school's out
Alex B Jun 2019
2:05
I looked at the time displayed on my car's clock
And it read 2:11
Just 6 minutes after the chaos
That had proceeded this time
Or had just begun
Jun 2019 · 269
Pride
Alex B Jun 2019
We weren't in the least bit afraid
Of breaking any rules
Because it felt all too natural
To be any sort of wrong
Jun 2019 · 439
Zack
Alex B Jun 2019
My next door neighbor Zack
Put both my sister and me in the hospital
On different days and years
And after all this time
I don't think I've had a real neighbor
Since Zack
Ah, the price we pay for familiarity
Jun 2019 · 207
Destiny
Alex B Jun 2019
I think you can become a writer
But are born a poet
Jun 2019 · 54
Private high school
Alex B Jun 2019
I’d go back to high school for a day
So I could say things like:
I have APUSH on G2
And I’ll meet you at passing
And See you tomorrow

But most importantly:
I know how to do calculus!
Jun 2019 · 92
Palm trees
Alex B Jun 2019
I’ve always had a fascination with palm trees
They make everything—
This state—prettier than it really is  
As if welcoming me to the holy city
Jun 2019 · 87
Ambitions
Alex B Jun 2019
I say I want to write a book
But all I really want to do
Is get high
Make little observations
Type them into my phone
And call it a poem
Jun 2019 · 74
What a view
Alex B Jun 2019
I honestly don’t think the object of the viewer’s gaze matters
Because all we really want to do
Is be able to look far away
And for once
Feel small
Alex B Jun 2019
I don't want to be another chapter
I want to be the rest of the **** book
Jun 2019 · 63
Youth soccer
Alex B Jun 2019
We all played back
Our best and our worst games
Today just hoping
To fall somewhere in between
Jun 2019 · 106
Smoke or dust
Alex B Jun 2019
It smells like a chapel
Inside my mouth
I sneezed
Like I would in a chapel
Because of all the dust
Jun 2019 · 54
Check-up
Alex B Jun 2019
Even the healthcare professionals
Were selling their services
They said thanks for choosing us
We're happy to have you
I told them I didn't have a choice
In having someone arbitrarily
Tell me I'm ok.
Jun 2019 · 53
World clock
Alex B Jun 2019
Wherever you are
I always add it to my world clock
So I can know what time it is
When I would hypothetically text you
Demanding that you be up and there
To listen to whatever I have to say
Because you always do
And I think you always will
Jun 2019 · 247
People
Alex B Jun 2019
I think I know you
But I’m not sure if
We ever really met
May 2019 · 79
Missing my best friend
Alex B May 2019
I wish more than anything
I could be in your arms right now
Not to any ends
Or for any purpose
Except to hold you tight
Brush your hair back
Kiss those glowy cheeks
And give you sweet
Sweet dreams
Apr 2019 · 80
She said jokingly
Alex B Apr 2019
You know, you’re not supposed to fall in love with the first girl you hook up with
Why do I never listen
To sane advice
Mar 2019 · 657
Your mouth
Alex B Mar 2019
Opened in a little ring of pleasure
Lips so soft and innocent, untouched
Body moving with the delights of yourself
And I don’t want to kiss you
So much as I want to worship you
And all I can do
Is wait for sweet sounds to escape you
Involuntary, moans of an angel
It’s the music I needed this morning,
The music I long for always
Feb 2019 · 801
Recently
Alex B Feb 2019
I want to drink your breath
And smell you on me
Hear your angel voice
Taste your insides
Feel you tremble
From my fingers
Or my words
My tongue
Or me
Feb 2019 · 660
3rd Ave
Alex B Feb 2019
The city was in front of me
No wait, behind me,
It’s everywhere
Circling the room in its vibrations
And I can’t help but wonder
If we are on stable ground
Feb 2019 · 60
Pinning
Alex B Feb 2019
I keep scrolling through
Hoping something will ring true,
When all I want to speak to me
Is you
Alex B Dec 2018
At a Starbucks
Because they’re really all the same
Pausing to take sips,
Spooning straw mountains
Of whipped cream from the cup I asked for
He didn’t fill it all the way
Because whipped cream is a valuable commodity
And I don’t think he liked me that much
Starbucks is the kind of place where you can write a poem with pauses
To drink your nitro
Sip your whipped cream straw
Our cashier was nervous
And had pink hair
Dec 2018 · 511
Based on a true story
Alex B Dec 2018
We met not too long before the worst chapter of my life began
You stayed,
Kept me writing the story
Here you are,
Still a main character
And us,
Landing on the same page
Nov 2018 · 1.5k
Daydreaming
Alex B Nov 2018
You're still a month away
But I'm already planning
What I'll wear that day

When I get to see your face
After so long, so much
Don't let us go to waste

Please, let me be the person
You can't replace
Aug 2018 · 352
missing you
Alex B Aug 2018
today
tonight
and every night
until I see you again
the rest are just a distraction
and I would be hurt
if I knew you were doing the same
but what else can I do
to ease the pain
that is missing you
Jul 2018 · 319
Inner restlessness
Alex B Jul 2018
thirty minutes left I am restless
I am afraid of sitting here for too long
my legs are moving
I need to get out of here
walk
drive
something
these meds are making me crazy
but far better than the alternative
catatonic
depressed
dead.
Alex B Jul 2018
I hate it because it hurts but I love you
and the circumstances ****
but we are not a circumstance.
We’re just people.
I think you love me too
and I don’t know if we have any future together
and maybe the universe doesn’t want us to be together
but I love you.
I love the way you make me feel,
I love the way you carry yourself
and how you never give up,
I love the way you taste when I kiss you
and how you hold me like I’m the most important person in the world.
I don’t know if it even matters
because maybe we’ll never be together
but I can’t just go on not telling you that
because you deserve to know  
and I deserve to tell you how I feel about you.
I know you stay away from feelings
but please don’t stay away from this,
please don’t stay away from me.
Jun 2018 · 175
Airborn
Alex B Jun 2018
I am an hour away from you
And I am nervous
Scared that when we kiss
There will be no spark like before
But tell me
Does that even matter anymore?
Jun 2018 · 141
thinking of you tonight
Alex B Jun 2018
you sang to me once think with your heart and not your mind
and another time you told me those same words
imploring me to come back to you
I didn’t listen
I didn’t go
and now I am wondering why another won’t run to me that same way
I am thinking about you tonight
and that one line of that one song you wrote for me
wondering if
I ever really did if
you ever really let me
and if you would still do the same
Jun 2018 · 179
Simple in theory
Alex B Jun 2018
Love is hardly confusing in my mind
But time and place are seldom that kind
Jun 2018 · 215
For granted
Alex B Jun 2018
Never take movement for granted
because some time you will become
Immobilized
by depression
or a busted knee
or some other affliction
of the body
& mind

Aren’t they really one?
Can you have one without the other?
You need your mind to move
You need to move to feed your mind
So what happens then
when both refuse to operate?
I guess that brings me to my second point
Never take your mind for granted
Jun 2018 · 141
Intimacy
Alex B Jun 2018
I am waiting to be in a bubble with you
where nothing matters
besides skin on skin
touching you
feeling me
breathing heavy
Jun 2018 · 131
Fool
Alex B Jun 2018
I just can’t seem to
distance myself
from you
Alex B Jun 2018
Don’t move.
Lie very still.
Will that make this not real

Heavy
My heart, the blankets
Hold me down, hold me down

Keep in your screams.
They won’t do anything here
Not to capture this, the fear

Close your eyes.
Don’t let in any excess stimuli.
The head games won’t work this time

Unconscious
The only state I’m free
From earth, from me, from misery

Don’t wake up.
Please
Don’t wake up.
Jun 2018 · 180
Since this
Alex B Jun 2018
Maybe it's not
Not wanting to live
But Not wanting to live
Like this
With this
After this
Jun 2018 · 465
Heartbreak
Alex B Jun 2018
There is no heartbreak
Like the one that comes
With losing yourself
Jun 2018 · 249
Aftermath
Alex B Jun 2018
And if you ask me
what the worst part
of a depressive episode is
It’s the during yes
but it’s the after
that follows you around
No matter how good you are
at compartmentalization
or pretending
it never happened

The aftermath of the storm
Is what stays with you
It’s diverting questions
and avoiding talking about
those missing periods of time
That’s what keeps you tethered
To the pieces of the past
that pose the biggest threat
The pieces you are skilled at
helping people forget
Alex B Jun 2018
When I imagine meeting the man I will marry
We are in a conversation with others
And someone says something
To which I reply
A quote from a movie
Off to the side
Too obscure for the average mind
And he would laugh
Or maybe say back
Another great line
Jun 2018 · 176
hopeless romantic
Alex B Jun 2018
no questions
just love
no future
but us
if only...
Alex B Jun 2018
Nights like this are hard
Knowing I am not the girl
I used to be
I want to go back
To normal life
Where the edge is not always
Right under my foot
Where laughter and endorphins
Play
And thoughts are happy
Not regrettable
And I can look forward
To thinking about the boy
Who will one day rule the world
And I had hoped,
Mine too
But now nothing feels
Like it will ever amount
My life is ruined
I’m done
I’m out
Jun 2018 · 20.8k
Someone stole my color
Alex B Jun 2018
Someone stole my color
And threw it to the wind
Scattered like ashes
I don’t know if I’ll ever find it

Someone stole my color
From the face I know so well
I saw it in the cotton candy clouds
And the teal ocean swell

Someone stole my color
I guess that’s where it went
The world looks so much brighter
Like something heaven-sent

Someone stole my color
And that’s what no one knows
Depression isn’t black
It’s the color of a rose

It’s the light orange in a sunset
And the yellow of a peach
Light blue, my favorite color
So simply out of reach

Purple like my favorite eyeshadow
No, lavender, I’d guess you’d say
And my favorite music artist
Although he has passed away

Someone stole my color
Now everything’s too bright
I suppose sometimes darkness
Isn’t the opposite of light

Someone stole my color
So I’ll wear grey and black
As if in mourning
Until I get it back
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