oh yeah
and also don't forget to tell her -
while you're lying in warm bed sheets
while you're driving to her family's home
while you've got her pressed up against your basement wall
while you're sitting on the edge of a dock staring at the sunset -
that she's your second
your second love
choice
and eventually
inevitably
your second **** up

I can't wait until you have to explain to someone who I am.

"the best thing that ever happened to me"
"my greatest loss"
"everything I ever wanted"
"my best friend, my partner"

and that you ****** up.

anything less than that, you'd be lying to your new lover
and that's not nice.

Can I just speak very candidly right now
Like I did ******* months ago
When we were as close as two peas in a pod
When we promised each other everything
Our futures
Our time
Our love
Each other
You
******
Up
I want to scream in your stupid ******* face
You ruined everything
I had it all planned out
I loved you
I don't just do that
I saw something that was in you worth loving because I know I'm worth loving and you just have to trust me that everything will be okay
You ******* *****
You've lost everything
I hate that you lose
But I lose too
Because I lost all that time and love and energy and you gave me ******* anxiety you *******
I hope you know you've never hurt anyone like you hurt me
You probably never will again
I hate you
I ******* love you

It's been...
Almost a month. To the day.

I've given it up. I can't do anything.

It feels like I lost him, like he's dead, gone, non-existent. And I can't bring him back because I don't have the power to do that. I'm not capable of resurrection.

There's only one who can do that. It's in His hands. If He wants to bring my love back from the dead and back to me, then He will.

Otherwise, I move on.
I go forward.

You don't know what real love feels like

The unconditional kind
The kind that heals and fills you

You got rid of the only person who tried to show you

I called what we had
"A poisonous relationship"

I apologize but it's true
You made me physically ill
I had to medicate myself
In order to put up with you
And your apathy
And your people pleasing
And your mother and her fake religion

You made me sick
Like poison
Maybe not cyanide arsenic or mercury
Because I'm not dead
I'm healing
I'm getting better
Despite drinking your poison for such a long time I'm still here
Detoxing

I'm not mad
I'm disappointed
That who you pretended to be for ten months doesn't actually exist
You led me to believe that you were it
You were everything I wanted
Seemingly perfect
And permanent

I'm disappointed that I met you
And then I had to lose you
Because it was only a matter of time
Before I found out you weren't real

I'm disappointed you convinced me that you were the love of my life
That I couldn't live without you
And then you left me
Destroyed me
You blew a hole in me

I'm disappointed that I met my person and then he died

I'm not mad
Just disappointed