Let me tell you why i cound't love him,
when all he thought of me was idealized
like some fairy in a fairytale ready to
aid him on his quest on his story.
How he loved my dyed hair or how i never
seemed to settle on a color
but not because i was fickle  and adventurous
but because color fades naturally.
Let me tell you how he treated me like some
discovery, a treasure for greedy pirates
and suddenly i wans't even a person,
i was his involuntary manic pixie dream girl;
a level in a game, a mage to give him answers
when i didn't even understood the questions.
How i was somehow supposed to teach him
life and love when its just me being me,
a girl attempting to live her life and every flaw
suddenly glitter covered and gold encrusted;
my anxiety reduced to a quirk and my depression
just so edgy.
Let me tell you that I couldn't love a boy,
-selfcentered and presumptious-
when all he saw in me was a character and not
a partner.

A boy who never even knew me but pretended.

Humor me, you said,
after all those years
like you could come back
to the stage and direct
a play that was never yours.
Like my limbs are held by
strings and you;
my puppeteer.
Like I'm suspended in time
and the clock ticks by only
when you appear.
But I'm not a stage for a play,
not yours to conduct.

I am sun, moon and stars.
A wild child, untamed;
a beast you could never hope to control.

There's skeletons in my closet,
monsters on my bed;
My lips are never honest
and my mind remains unsaid.

Early morning hours
Caffinated brains
Lazy ceiling fans
Cool Autumn rains

Clumsy stitches
Networks of skin and bone
Safe within these walls
A family, a home

Words, words, words
Tired, dark eyes
All he's ever said
*Half truth half lies

tattoo this on my body,
make the litany permanent:
i am sad today, and i am depressed. to get out of bed is a chore. i can't do what is asked of me, despite the voices that cheer me on.

scrub this off my body,
until my skin is a sensitive red:
i am depressed today, and i am sad. the rain was too heavy and some of it fell into my head. there is an ocean inside of me whose waves never stop roaring. the noise is unbearable.

paint this on my body,
a canvas of life:
i am alive today, and i am living. and the sun still shines and my heart still beats. a world of pain meets a world of color, and i realize the red in war can also mean the red in love.

imprint this on my body,
a reminder that says:
i can always depend on poetry
to make sense out of what can't.