I miss the illness;
the sleepless nights.
The terrible fears;
the endless fights.

Overcome by drowsy
aches and sadness.
Complimented by
manic madness.

Shaking in terror
but no clue why.
Holding my breath
no room for a sigh.

The days were hellish,
long and gray.
Yet I yearn
for one more day.
Why do I wish
to be that way?

When all it brought
was hurt and pain.
Does longing for more
make me insane?

You could pinch my arm
and I wouldn't wince.

All feelings repelled
like water to oil.

If you lit me on fire
I'd share a smoky
sigh before suffocating
without ever saying a word.

i hear you, child
don't spend your breath
trying to say
what's already been said
words spoken loudly, proudly
did not fall
on deaf ears

i hear you, child
there is no need
to cry tears at night
whispering secrets
to the moon
secrets you desperately
want to be heard

i hear you, child
your pain sings to me
a song of longing
of disappointment
of wanting to disappear
but i can see you, child
i can see you
and you are beautiful

you will never be invisible to me
you will never go unheard
i see you; i hear you
come with me, child
it will be alright

A seductive aroma of
lavender and lilac,
dances through the air,
singing sonnets of
lovely Spring glory.

A flame illuminates
the emblazoned Summer sky:
A back-yard barbecue
woven upon
freshly cut grass.

When the candle is extinguished;
it leaves a burning ember;
sultry smoke infused into
an Autumn rain;
I can taste it in my lungs.

And when the flame dies out,
the sweet smoke slowly
fades into the night;
Leaving a memory so vibrant, it
lingers on the tip of my tongue.

the sky is not blue
but the clouds do not loom
i look at my hands
with nothing to do

nothing to do
on a day like today
my mind's in a fog
but the sky is not grey

the sky is not grey
the winds do not blow
my kite will not fly
i have nowhere to go

nowhere to go
no cheer, no rage
no walls surround
yet i'm trapped in this cage

trapped in the cage
my mind is not free
the sky is not blue
bitter ennui

When I lie in the still silence of solitude
Distress breathing down my back
I see his shadow. Dare I look?
Beguiling as he is black

He looms and lingers
Sharpens his fingers
Prepared for an imminent attack
I breathe in then out
Dispose all doubt
Charade the strength I lack

As I turn to look
Face my crook
The courage in my stomach falls
Yet, nothing is there
But pale, stale air
And a mirror who hangs on the wall

My bones itch, marrow burns;
My skin encases unbearable yearns.
I need to escape, need to run wild;
I need to break free from your dastardly guile.

I shake, sweat, and shiver—
I bake in this blizzard.
I find no solace—
Discomfort shimmers

while fire rains down
from snow-covered clouds,
          A perfect contradiction
          in my body's restriction
of feelings that refuse to be bound.
Too tightly riled, I am to be found;
          I pray
          one day
to be unwound.

Even         the spider     gets             lost in         the
    tangled                     web     of                             lies
                I     tell                         myself
to     keep             me         from     the         truth
                that     I         am         not                     okay

I crave the sensation of steel through flesh.
     Nothing can feel more true.
Thin chiseled strokes, roses bloom fresh,
     The artist paints with the purest of hues.

The easel, the lighting, my ritual prepared;
I lay out the canvas: naked and bare.
Knifing through fibers, I begin to forget;
On my palette one color, imperfect regret.

A seductive aroma of
lavender and lilac,
dances through the air,
singing sonnets of
lovely Spring glory.

A flame illuminates
the emblazoned Summer sky:
A back-yard barbecue
woven upon
freshly cut grass.

When the candle is extinguished;
it leaves a burning ember;
sultry smoke infused into
an Autumn rain;
I can taste it in my lungs.

And when the flame dies out,
the sweet smoke slowly
fades into the night;
Leaving a memory so vibrant, it
lingers on the tip of my tongue.

Cannibalistic thoughts
rip through my mind,
        Feeding on every ounce of joy.
After having their fill,
they continue to feast,
        Until all happiness they destroy.

You look me dead in the eye as you my shatter ego
Confidence fractures, shards fall to the beaten ground
Forgotten pieces and parts of me soak into the floorboards like water on thirsty sand
You walk callously over the memory of my existence
Never giving a second thought to the barren wasteland you leave behind

As the shadow of my once-fragile ego lay prostrate and unnoticed
A subtle breeze passes through, carrying a familiar fragrance
That lifts expectations and replaces sadness with newness
A scent so seductive it draws me to the surface

Languished scraps coalesce into new form
Where I was once forgotten, I now am found
Sometimes brokenness is needed for growth

The wood wick candle crackles and burns
Sharing stories of bygone yearns
A dance to remember; a flicker to forget
A story that is not over yet
Melted wax pools around
A dwindling wick, reaching to be found
Struggling for air, dying to breathe
Remembering a forgotten reverie
Rising up: smoking doubt
Left with embers now burnt out

Our lives: fragile as porcelain
Our egos: swinging sledgehammers
A bull in a china shop will do less damage
Than hubris will inflict over a lifetime
Our ego may be a loaded gun
But our ignorance pulls the trigger

When the days are short
and the nights are long
that's when I hear
your siren's song
sweetly calling me
to the shore
with the promise
to love and adore
(so) clearly I hear
the closer I go
ignoring (the) warnings
of the rocks below
I see your silhouette
I taste your song
no matter the cost
with you I belong
I cast aside caution
only one thing on my mind
with my imminent wreckage
you will be mine

Feeling nothing—happy or sad
Feeling nothing—good or bad
Feeling nothing—fire or ice
Feeling something would be nice.

Tight as a drum
Arms wrapped tight
Voice goes dumb
Surrender to the night
Senses so numb
No hope in sight
Allow pain to come
I refuse to fight

Depression lies to you.
It tells you the only way to survive is to curl up in bed and hide from the world.
It tells you that what is "out there" is not worth fighting for.
It tells you that you are not worth fighting for.

Depression lies to you.
It tells you that you'll never be better.
It tells you nobody loves you, because how could they, when you can't even love yourself.
It tells you are unworthy of love...when is the last time you loved yourself?

Depression lies to you.
It tells you it will pass, to just be patient.
It tells you not to fear, but to be afraid of everything.
It tells you there is no use in fighting.

Depression lies to you.
It tells you to cry, but you don't know why.
It tells you to sleep when that's all you've done for days.
It tells you that everyone is better off without you.

Yes. Depression lies to you.

My scorched heart
Burned by uncertainty
And the winds of doubt
Leaves no remnant—
No evidence of life.

To begin anew—
My soul must be desolated:
Stripped bare
Back to the very foundation
Which yielded a forest
Of lonely—
Empty dismay.

Once shrouded by a canopy
Of ****** conviction—
Reduced to a charred field
of empty promises
Ready for rebirth
From the ashes of possibility.

Strip that smirk right off your face.
     "Don't judge your judgment," you teach.
My deep-set propensities you vow to replace;
     Omniscient—from on high you preach.

Share with me the secrets of life!
     I pray my ignorance you'll quell.
You know me deeper than the edge of this knife,
          And you claim to wear
          the same burns I bare:
     Sewn to this mantle, I earned in Hell.
Presumption is a color that suits you well.

Heavy eyes
tired sighs
one more day
for me to rise
above the noise
I have no choice
but to find
my lost voice

get off the floor
you're so much more
I cannot be here anymore
find a door and go
tired of hearing no
from every Joe Schmo
and John Doe
who think they know
how high or how low
I can go
down that road
before my tires blow
before I explode
no!

not again
don't pretend
this is not where my story ends
my saga continues
my journey extends
because of the steady hands you lend
when I am down
half in the ground
just me and my shovel
no hope to be found
you find a way
to share one more day
I pray
you'll stay
'til tomorrow is today

'til I know that I am safe
but I know you must go
so go
leave
I have to let go
I have to believe
I can do this on my own
I may stumble on stones
moan and groan
speak in tongues unknown
but forward I move
and groove
until I prove
that I can do this on my own

In the cool of night,
I hear you coming.
I know it's you
by the way your boots
pound on the hardwood floor.
I know it's you
by the silence
in between your footsteps
when my heart stops.
I know it's you
by the sour stench
of discomfort seeping
under my door.
I know it's you
because no matter where I hide,
you always find me.
In the cool of the night,
I hear you coming.
I know it's you.
It's always you.

Heavy eyes
tired sighs
one more day
for me to rise
above the noise
I have no choice
but to find
my lost voice

get off the floor
you're so much more
I cannot be here anymore
find a door and go
tired of hearing no
from every Joe Schmo
and John Doe
who think they know
how high or how low
I can go
down that road
before my tires blow
before I explode
no!

not again
don't pretend
this is not where my story ends
my saga continues
my journey extends
because of the steady hands you lend
when I am down
half in the ground
just me and my shovel
no hope to be found
you find a way
to share one more day
I pray
you'll stay
'til tomorrow is today

'til I know that I am safe
but I know you must go
so go
leave
I have to let go
I have to believe
I can do this on my own
I may stumble on stones
moan and groan
speak in tongues unknown
but forward I move
and groove
until I prove
that I can do this on my own

I occupy space
breathe earth's air
but what's the purpose
of me being here

I'm wastefully waiting
sitting, debating
corroding, decaying
don't know why I'm staying

here on this planet
there has to be more
alone in my bubble
yet a world to explore

a world of happiness
joy and life
but all I see
is darkness and strife

what's the purpose
of me being here
I wish that I
could disappear

I feel my weary eyes grow old
Sitting here in the bitter cold
Praying that it all would end
Mercy you would extend

Instead, you let me thaw then freeze
I beg, I plead, I'm on my knees
Someday soon, will come the end
Maybe I'll rest then

Until that day, I'll suffer in pain
Bleeding out of every vein
Here it comes, I see the end
So close to you, my icy friend
I close my eyes and rest my head
Now all I see is red

I smother
suffocatingly hopeful embers
who will never grow
into the roaring flame
of a misplaced dream—
Dreamt in vain.

I've emptied the air
from their lifeless grave,
breathlessly ignorant,
your innocence,
I remorselessly deprave.

It's the way I avoid your sensual touch
and the things you do to make me blush.

It's the way regret eats my dwindling pride
when I keep secrets from you, my bride.

It's how I long to finally share
the way the blade's edge feels against my skin, bare.

—but when I share—

It's the hollowness of disappointment in your eyes
when I reveal the truth behind my lies.

It's the way your pupils fade to black
past the point where color comes back.

It's the horror you show when you first see
the masochistic monster I can be.

Talk, talk, speak away;
Shut your ears, I have nothing to say.
Muzzle my mouth—mute my voice;
Speaking my mind was never a choice.

Chains bind
my mind
to which I've resigned
to find
peace of mind
in this endless grind

then you remind
that I signed
away
my mind
long ago
the answer is no
I cannot go
down that empty road
or my mind will explode
brains a la mode

grab a spoon, dig in
eat away my sin
let's begin
we're kin
don't mind the skin
don't be shy
look me in the eye
don't lie
just try
eat enough
and you'll get high

eat enough
and maybe you'll fly
away from here
where thy sky is clear
and you hear the sun shine
rays like wine
sweet and seductive
totally sublime

it's no crime
to dine
like queens and kings
kiss my ring
minstrels sing
treasures they bring
lay at my throne
still nothing I own
in my castle
all alone
I groan
and I moan
and I endlessly atone
for sins
that weigh me down
like stones

I've been there before
can't take no more
I'm better off chained
chained to the floor

my gut so tight
no knife can cut
through my hardened core
no needle can pierce
the walls of this chaotic

        a
            n
          x
              i          
        e
           t
         y

leaving a huddled mass
to self-implode
under the pressure
of my own gravity

I am a fading rainbow after a spring shower.
I am crushed ice melting in the summer sun.
I am a wilted leaf in the final breath of autumn.
I am a lonely snowflake in the vast winter's expanse.

I am diminished in your eyes, and vacant in your heart.
I am nothing to you; I am nothing to me.

These words I write
bleed
until completely drained
devoid of life
hoping that poetry
is penned
before I bleed out

All alone I stew and sit
Digging through a pile of ****

Ever-growing, more foul than before
A sight and stench I've grown to abhor

From here and there, from cracks all around
Steaming and screaming an excruciating sound

I do the things I need to survive
If I'm to make it out alive

With hands, fingers I toss and scoop
And no, this poem is not about ****

Fried
Like Canadian bacon
My mind doggedly crawls forward
Burnt to a crisp
But I am here
Trudging along
Reaching endlessly
towards the edge of the pan

When the days are short
and the nights are long
that's when I hear
your siren's song
sweetly calling me
to the shore
with the promise
to love and adore
(so) clearly I hear
the closer I go
ignoring (the) warnings
of the rocks below
I see your silhouette
I taste your song
no matter the cost
with you I belong
I cast aside caution
only one thing on my mind
with my imminent wreckage
you will be mine

With a single candle
in the boundless night
I drift about
no end is sight
Lost with just
this candle light
Empty, hollow, is my plight

Directionless
without the stars
No map to tell
us where we are
my feet encased
in midnight tar
oh, but I've come so far

My candle burns
to the end of its wick
I rummage around
for twigs and sticks
To keep light burning
in this night so thick
I hear the second-hand tick

I guess my time
has finally run out
To the night
I've lost this bout
Put to bed
all my doubts
no sense, now
to yell or shout
my candle has blown out

Running through a maze of ******,
unable to find my way.
Danger lurking around every corner,
canvassed by a sky of gray.

A flash of lightning ignites the air
then all fades back to black.
My fingers graze the dampened walls;
Blinded, I can't turn back.

A dead-end finds me, black as night;
I'm drenched in soot and sin.
No way forward—left or right
crazed by the voices within.

The rain thickens, oozing down.
Empty lungs search for air;
Smothered, covered, I'm suffocating
in this labyrinth of dreary despair.

Another flash: a yellow veil;
Raining blistering blue.
Out of the darkness, your face revealed.
Grasped tightly, I can't move.
I drown slowly, staring at you.

when you learn that you
are enough
you see the world
differently
you see the world
in color
instead of the black and white
surrender
to which
you've become accustomed
your face shines bright
in the mirror; illuminates
the dark room
where you once hid
you stand taller
you smile wider
people see you
for the beauty
inside
which you exude
with every waking breath
you attract goodness
and joy
and share these gifts
with those
around you
you stop trying
to be that person
everyone
wants you
to be
weight lifted
you can breath
again
because you know
just as you are
that you
are enough