i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

i think i dissociate
most of my life
ever since i was 7
if i cannot feel anything
how can it hurt me

but

what if i want to
feel everything again
how do i get that back
i am

lost

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

i always wondered
if i was capable
of loving and caring
for someone more
than my 7 year old self

it was not until
you entered this realm
Isla Kay

that you have shown me emotion
you have taught me
that i can cry
that i can scream
that i can laugh

if i am being honest Isla Kay

i never really thought i would heal
my 7 year old self
i have always thought i would just get by

but
watching life through your eyes
has made life worth living again

i thank you
for your 3 years on this earth
for showing me more love
than i have ever felt for myself


  -thank you for showing me how to live, how to be accepting, how to be apologetic, how to feel joy, how to feel again. I love you.

they say love
is the outpouring
of everything
good within you

they say love
is the respect
of self value
always soft and kind

they say love
can bring out
the wisdom
of emotional maturity

they say love
is the recognition
of another soul
so valuable so true

why does love scare me so much?

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y