Mother, would you love me?
Would you love me if you knew why I cringe at the thought of being you,
A strong woman?
I have the strong, but not quite woman enough
Would you love me if you knew you’ve lost two daughters, not one?
If you knew how hard I try to live up to a sister that never got to be
They always told me how much you wanted a daughter
You told me how hard your grandmother prayed.
I wonder if she’d pray for me the same
Or if she’s rolling in her grave.

Momma, would you love me if you knew me?
Me, and not the stories I tell you of the boys that could’ve loved me if i had let them
Or the thought of a woman I could be.
Would you love me if I’d told you about her? How I fell in love while you were in the next room.
How “I won’t get married” really means that I refuse to have a wedding you won’t come to. And the only option is a wedding you won’t enjoy.
How “I won’t give birth” really means I won’t be a mother. All the things you had hoped for me are not for me.
Would you still love me if I just let myself be?

I can’t find the courage to make you grieve for so many losses, to grieve for any more.
I know the new me. Me.
I may be hard to get to know or explain. I’m still learning.
But mom, would you love me? Would you still let me hold your hand? Would you read me stories and give me hugs? Would you still love me? Or is this what you called growing up? Because mom, I may not be your daughter, but I still need my mom

That summer you left
The ripples coming out of my eyes
Turned into waves.
That fall
My body fell like the leaves
Begging your ghost to stay.
And in winter
My pillows kept me company
And instead of your arms
My blankets kept me warm
On cold nights
When even the christmas lights
Were blincing for my darkness engulfed self.
This spring
I am cleaning
I’m throwing out your clothes
Washing those sheets that still smell like you
I’m buying new perfume
So you don’t know it’s me
When i casually pass by you.
I’m cleansing myself
Of all things you left in me
And around me.
This summer
I want to go surfing
Instead of trying not to drown in my own waves
I want to breathe
I want to live

I was chasing you... All around the school for you to tell me how to make your burdens a little lighter and your eyes a little brighter. I saw how broken you felt, not looked. Cause I knew that you had to keep it hidden and had to be ok. But that didn't really work out... Anyways at least I don't have to chase you anymore even though you're going away.
  ‎ we've had so many fights and there have been so many situations where it would've been so much easier to walk away from this friendship, this alliance against everything bad I'm this world, but what would I be without you? What would I be without the person that single handedly kept me alive when I felt like I should disappear, not die. What would I be without you keeping me here?
  ‎ Hey best friend, you are so strong even when you shouldn't be sometimes. You are so brave even when there's nothing to be scared of. You. You are everything you are, you want to be and can be. You are what makes this world go round, what makes MY world go round cause it was kind of just there before I dragged you into it. You are rage and passion, hate and love, you are all the things I can't give names to. You are your name, as in the word of God. But never forget that you will always be the world of a goddess too. I don't know what I am without you but you will forever surpass everything keeping you from happiness cause that's what I know you to do. YOOOUUUU!!! You stupid little boy!!! I love you so much. You are everything that I have turned into because aren't we really reflexions of who we love. So like we're basically the same person right now. Point is I'm going to miss you like crazy and life is gonna be hard without you. Let's not make any promises and let's not say any goodbyes. But I'll miss you.
I already miss you writing this like 2 months before you even leave. X
   01.04.18

Big toothy smile in the morning, a greeting I'll always love. Hair *****, eyes pretty, a voice, a voice so loud it could break the silence you hold dearest to your heart. YOU. You are the difference between true and honest. The most true person I know. The person I can count on to make my days brighter without even saying a word. Hugs so tight like you're trying to put all the broken pieces back together and actually putting them back together with this super glue you call love. I know sometimes it's hard to love someone like you when you're still trying to love yourself but maybe loving ourselves is how we learn to love others. And you've helped me love myself. YOU. A best friend that makes the moon jealous. A heart that's bigger than this universe. Love. You are love. You are pure, annoying and heartfelt words. You are my love, all the love I have with in me. And I still love you more than that.

I was told not to look for healing on the bottom of ***** bottles. That I am too young to be broken. Because I am too young to drink. No one ever said don't swallow the pills, no one ever told me that I won't find healing at the bottom of the orange bottle. No one said don't take the pain killers. Because no one's ever too young to be in pain. And I'm just trying to **** the pain. But it's hard when you realize the pain is part of you, so to end the pain you have to end yourself.

Dear depression
Stop being the serpent to my Eve. Stop convincing me that it's better on the other side. Stop telling me there is no other side. Just **** Me or Leave Me Alone
Dear anxiety
they keep telling me they care, please don't ruin that for me. Please don't remind me of all the problems in my life if you're not going to help me fix them. Please, help me fix them.
Dear Mom
I'm sorry I'm not what you want me to be. But Mom, I don't think I ever was.
Dear Dad
‎ You're not supposed to be in here but I guess the fact that I still have to write about you means you're important and that scares me
‎Dear Brother
  I love you
Dear Mirror
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking you and I know you're not really broken but I feel like you're broken on the inside just like me
Dear Best friend
I wish you weren't in here. I wish you never came into my life. I wish I never dragged you in.
Dear Best friend
I'm so sorry for leaving you
Dear bedroom
Thank you for staying through all the bad times. But I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want you to be around my aching body, my broken soul. Because you just watched. The walls didn't close in to hug me when I cried and they didn't close in to help when I was hurting. You're just like everyone else.
‎Dear "I'm fine"
‎ We have a toxic relationship that should've ended years ago.
Dear Soul
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that this is going to hurt you. I'm really sorry I can't fix things. I mean "I'm sorry" wouldn't really exist if these were things we could undo. I tried. I'm trying to stay here for you. I'm so sorry I existed in the first place because if I didn't I wouldn't make a difference. I'm sorry our Infinity isn't that long. I'm sorry but I've gone searching for what's beyond.
Dear Love
You have so much in store for you. Don't let them push you around. You are so beautiful. You are everything, everything!!!
Dear Body
You're the most beautiful cage I've ever seen, and the only cage I've ever had. But I think I'm ready to leave. Please let me. Don't make me stay.
Dear World
Why couldn't you listen when I said I was hurting. I told you I was sick.
Dear Pills, Gun, Blood, Drugs
Please make it fast