Everyone that matters to me forgot about my birthday...

It's okay though.

I probably won't have another...

"The problem with suicide is that when it becomes an option in your mind, it's always an option."

I'm scrambling trying to find the pieces
And I would like to say a few things
1)  I'm sorry
I start to see the fear of what made me
What made me will break me
I carry this familiarity like a knife to my skin
And I'm scrambling to fill the bleeding holes with the very things that Caused them to bleed
I am thoroughly convinced I could destroy an entire city with my hands
Which brings me to point two
2) Don't take it personally if I stay three steps away when you come close
I'm a ticking tomb in a building that starts to burn when I crumble
My mind is the building
Every story
Every window
A part of the person I used to be
3) I don't want to die
I still can't figure out if the building is the people I love
Or if it's myself
But It  burns just the same
I don't want to die

My world starts spinning                                                        
When the teacher is pinning
The new assignment to the board
Oh lord!
Chaos is unleashed when I step upon the bus
Kids are screaming
Kids are having a fight
It's not a pretty sight
Chaos is an old enemy
Everyday is another fight
With Chaos
Chaos is too powerful
He always wins
Only days in my room
Curled up with a good book
Chaos cannot disturb me then
I am in the world of reading.
I fight back
Breaking up fights
Befriending siblings
Doing chores
Righting this world
Stopping Chaos in his tracks
A hard battle
Sometimes lost
Sometimes won
Chaos always comes back stronger than ever
But then I do too.

i know it's been months since i spoke to you,
but i've been thinking about you a lot.
we used to be so close.
we'd facetime,
stay up all night.
i knew what we had couldn't possibly last,
but i would have gave anything to keep it.
i remember when i heard you sing for the first time.

2015 was the year i fell in love,
and so did you.
we were inseparable.
i'm never going to forget when you dmed me,
telling me you loved how i sang.
it was ironic, actually.
i loved how you sang too.
and it went on from there.

2016 was the year your life changed,
and so did mine.
you got the offer of a lifetime.
and like a good friend, i told you to take it.
before i knew it, you had songs on the radio.

2017 was the year i met the love of my life in person.
i surprised you.
you were on your small tour with your bandmates.
and i was so proud.
for months after,
you wrote me songs and sent me demos.
just for me.
but those words became poison,
for now you barely acknowledge me.
you're touring the world now.
half the time, i have no idea where you are.

2018 is the year you fell out of love,
but i fell deeper.
i don't know if i'm a sucker for pain,
or in love with the bittersweet reality that you're
living your dream while you are mine.
at times i wonder how you are doing.
you're always on my mind.
am i ever on yours?

i write these words knowing you'll never see them,
but it's okay, because even if you saw them,
i doubt you'd care.
but, no matter how many times you hurt me,
i'm always going to miss you.