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You cannot heal me
for I am not a broken soul.
My spirit carries heavy burdens
but my colours never dull.

Pointed torches in my face
this light, it hurts my eyes.
I was led alone, I sobbed
thinking no one heard my cries.

I smile in the face of the enemy
and laugh in the face of a friend.
It is not that I am lying
but that I must pretend.
 Nov 2018 Xander Holden
Taylor
may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...
I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.
A lot can change in a year....
In one year
I went from being broke,
unemployed,
in a relationship,
depressed,
heartbroken,
barely able to function,
questioning if my life
was even worth living...

To finding a career that made me feel like I was finally good at something.
Making more money than I ever knew what to do with.
Breaking up with the boy I thought I was going to marry,
who I thought I would die without.
Finding my way back to happiness and contentment.
Mending my own heart,
without finding someone else to fix me.
And figuring out my purpose in this world.

I went from having a big group of friends,
to having almost none at all.
I went from hell to heaven,
and back around again
a hundred times or more.
I went from depending on everyone else for my happiness and self worth.
To depending on no one,
and discovering my worth based on the way I love and treat myself.
I went from never living away from home or doing anything on my own,
To moving to a new town,
new place,
alone,
and having the summer of a lifetime.

A lot can change in a year.
And looking back now,
Even though discovering myself was something I needed to do,
it has been one truly lonely year.

I think that's the part that ***** so much about growing up.
You start to realize what really matters,
who really cares,
and what never
and who never did...

It's both uplifting and completely infuriating.

This year was about finding myself.
Fixing myself.
Proving to myself,
That I deserve to live
Even if no one else loves me the way I deserve.

Next year will be about finding new people.
The good kind, you know?
The genuine
The kind
The loving
The fun
The real.
Next year is about letting new people in.

I have hope now.
Everything changed for me this year.
I finally believe in myself.
Next year everything else will fall into place.
Let's fall off
the edge of the page,
sail beyond the visible line,
leap from the end of the ledge,
sink into the ocean,
then sink deeper beyond.

Let's slip away
from the rim of the cup,
slide along the edges of ice,
tumble into blades,
roll with the flowers,
soar beyond the reach of the sky.

Let's find parts of ourselves,
nobody sees, hears or thinks,
burrow deeper into a new skin,
move away from what has been,
crawl into a place, so far away,
the past will never come around.
This is harder than I thought,
this brushing-against old versions of my subconscious,
this tearing-open each of my sentences to examine
their contents.
I press my ear to the door, only to find
it is actually a mirror;
the only thing under scrutiny here
is me.

When did disaster become fragments
of our personalities? Destruction is twisted
around our bones like we grew it
in the womb, like it's been lying
dormant until we've reached
"maturity".
We absorb poison
like a drug, eager
to take it into our bodies, never questioning
the damage left in its wake.

It has taken me this long to notice
the shadows sculpted under my eyes; how long
will they take to cover up or
to heal?
Cast your stones; all life
is fleeting, but the best of us die
having harvested exactly what
we've sown.

I am my prime specimen; I am always
under the microscope. I dispel these poisons
not for your sake, but for my own.
Each of us will live
a very lonely life
if we do not learn how to be alone.

I'm taking this into my hands now,
keeping it where I can manage
the aftermath.
The blade feels so right with me
It's like the pain in my heart is making that blade
A home in my hand
My body, or my mind,
I don't know
But something commands it
The edge of the blade strikes me with curiosity
Wondering what all I could do with it
For the first time last night
I cut deeper
I lashed at my skin
And blood burst out of me
Like it was trapped
And glad to be free
Then no matter how hard it was to ignore the urge
To do it again
I put that Blade up in a safe place
Then I starred off into the
Dark empty space
In my room
Hearing the voices in another room
Not thinking about anything
Trying to listen to the loud silence in my mind
Trying not to feel the coldness of my soul
Letting my heart shatter little by little
Every Day
Please don't act like you care
It just isn't fair I just want to be loved
Not thought bad of
If I died today
No one would cry for me
No one would die for me
I can't be happy
Happiness just isn't for me
I'm silently begging
For someone to truly help me
Or that silver blade will cross my wrist
Again and again untell I'm satisfied with the results
I'll be satisfied when I feel
All this useless life
Drain out of me.
©Makayla Bailey
All rights reserved
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