She’s torturing me
She keeps teasing me
Pulling me in then leaving
She plays these games
I don’t  want to play  them though they hurt my soul and heart
I just want to love her
I just want to make her feel good
I want to make her feel loved
She won’t open herself up to me though
She’s hiding behind a wall of masked emotions
I’m tired of playing hide and seek
I just want somebody to love
So come love me

As I look in the mirror and say good bye
I look around and I begin to cry
I call myself a coward
Just do it I yell to myself.
I ask if it was easier for the others
It can’t be such a bad option if so many others have done it
It will protect the people I love
From the monsters inside of me
I want to do it so I can finally be free
Somethings holding me back though
Don’t know who or what it is
I can’t explain the feeling
You might call it love but it’s something more than that.
Religious people might say it’s god
But I stopped believing a long time age so how can it be that?
Am I cursed so I can only leave by natural means?
I know I want to leave or do I
Why can’t I do it?
It shouldn’t have to be hard
After all so many people do it
Am I not good enough?
Am I to cowardly?
I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to punch something or someone
I want to end this ocean of pain
I want to end this misery
All this and more I think to myself
My thoughts are racing around my head
I wish I could stop them
Freeze time so I can do it
Bring someone back who can tell me what it’s like
Bring someone I love to convince me to do it
Will the person I love even do that
Or will she tell me it’s not worth it and to stay for her
If she tells me to stay I don’t think I could listen
I don’t think I’d be able to bear it
I don’t want to live this life anymore
I don’t want to live this destiny
It’s been going on for too long

These tendencies are wrecking havoc on my soul
Day and night I deal with the pull
As I’m trying to stop, I pop another pill
I look in the mirror and say I’ll stop soon
Soon isn’t coming fast enough for me though
I don’t want to die, but these tendencies are looking suicidal
I’m 17 but I’m acting like a child
I’m constantly refusing help
I’m acting ignorant and can’t seem to stop
I keep on breaking promises to stop
Don’t get me wrong though, I want to stop
I just can’t though,no matter how hard I try
Even though I know these tendencies are killing me
I realize they make life so much easier to deal with
I try and I try to stop but I always go back
To do them even more than before

I sit here and I wonder if life will get better
because I look around and think this life isn't worth living
So much **** I've ****** up
So much **** I've put up with
So much **** I've had happen to me
All the ****** up things I've seen
All the ****** up things I've heard
The ****** up things I've done
The people I've hurt
The people who've hurt me
I've had my heart broken so many times
I've stopped keeping track
I’ve been backed stabbed and even betrayed
right in front of my eyes
I’ve been emotionally and physically abused.
Its gotten so hard to cope with all this anger inside of me
I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be happy
At the rate I’m going, this leap looks to be
The best option for me.

I’m going crazy
Having to live this ****** up life of mine
Letting all the **** be
I’m going crazy
Is there something mentally wrong with me?
Holding the monsters inside of me back
I’m going crazy
Not being able to talk to anyone
Not having anyone to love
I’m going crazy
Helping everyone else with their problems
Letting the emotions rage on inside of me
I’m going crazy
Worrying about others opinions; and not my own
Watching and listing to everyone else faking it
I’m going crazy
Hearing everyone else scream and shout at me
Always being treated unfairly
I’m going crazy
Relying on myself and keeping others out of my life
Seeing everyone else so happy and being so depressed
I’m going crazy
Though I’ll continue to tell everyone I’m fine

I want to end it all.
Let my eyes close one last time.
Take one last fall;as I end it all.
Will I have a ball;before I end it all.
Should I go shopping at the mall;before I end it all.
Perhaps I’ll make one last call;before I end it all.
Will I take more time or stall;before I end it all.
As I end it all will I say I saw my life flash before my eyes.
Will my body heave out one last sigh.
Will somebody say oh my;when I end it all.
As I end it all will I cry.
Will I tell everyone a lie.
Say I’m fine;before I end it all.
Or will I smile at everyone and even say I’m great.
Shakespear said to be or not to be
So I ask myself to end it all or not to?
Will I leave a clue
For everyone I knew
A love letter for a selected few?
When it’s finally over will I say whew?
Will it start all over new?
Or will god look at me and say “I’m through,with you.”
Or will he say you have a lot left to do.
Will I look down at the world and say nice view.
I want to end it all.