I was diagnosed with a Major Depressive Disorder.
Funny..
Who could of known I've always felt empty and alone.
Many sleepless nights
Filled with nightmares and fright
Nothing I do makes me happy anymore
I feel it sometimes, when I spend some time outside
But then its like a dark shadow, reaching above me..
Ready to tower over and hurt me.
My heart races throughout the day
Wishing that I didn't have to stay
So I can lay in bed and think
And let my thoughts sink
Mother calls me lazy
If not often crazy
My mood changes from left and right
Maybe she is right.
Who knows how long this will go
I don't know?
I feel cold and alone
Weak at my bones
Doesn't make sense, I don't make sense
Writing this just made me upset
I don't know if this whole poem makes sense
I mean .. what is there to expect?
Everything is just a mess.
What did I miss? . .
What even is this.

Mother, please look at me,
Mother, please don't fear me,
Mother pay attention to me
Oh, mother please love me.
Please, oh please don't leave me
Please oh please don't forget me
I am your child, a part of you
Please never forget that I still love you.
We fight, bicker and all that stuff
Maybe my love just wasn't enough
Please don't go with him, please stay
Please don't go away for many days
Mother, please read to me
sing to me and dance with me
Oh..
make memories with me
Mother, please don't hit me
Please don't make me cry
You've made me die just a little bit inside
....
Mother, I hate you.
Why did you go
Oh, why do you hate me so?
You argue with me all the time
I remember the day you said " I wish you'd die"
I try to forgive you
I try to move on
But sometimes I just tend to hold on
There are many of the saddest things that happened to me
With other things that have ruined me
I wish you loved me like a mother loves her child in films.
Spending quality time with her and being a mother.
Maybe you're just annoyed or you just don't want me.
Maybe a happy relationship with your mother is only make-believe.
Maybe its only in films.
Or maybe it just doesn't exist.
Perhaps this is just MY fairy tale.
and others are better
Maybe things with my Mother just won't get better.
I think sometimes you cannot fix what is broken,
You cannot revive what is dead.
And maybe I'm just having a bad ending to this fairy tale.
The End.

Sitting in the car side by side
I was looking outside at the night sky
We argued earlier, I didn't know why
But the thought of it made me cry.
My chest grew heavy
I couldnt keep myself steady
I kept thinking of us and other things I've dealt with.
I then break down.
My whole world was just spinning around and around
Just like a merry go round.
My eyes were filled with tears
Tears of fear
Fear that I knew what was coming and that I would lose myself again.
I sniffed,
Huffed,
And Puffed.
Trying to contain myself
Trying to keep my emotions at bay
I began to sob and there it was, the tears of a great waterfall
My befall
"What a mess I am" I tell myself
You get to see the ugliest side of me
The weakest side
The vulnerability of me
Which was obviously clear to see
I sobbed some more and felt your warm touch
Pulled me close and said " Hush .. "
" Im sorry. "
I felt secure
Felt your love
Your arms tighten around me as I fall more and more into millions of pieces
"Im safe" I said to myself.
Im okay.
" I love you " you say as you wipe my tears and kiss my nose
As I type this into my notes, my legs are over you as we are driven home
You rub my thighs and kiss me some more.
Whispering the sweetest innocent things into my ear.
I let out a sigh of relief.
I couldn't believe that you're here now.
As I lean my head onto your shoulder I whisper..
"Thank you for handling my messy breakdown."

It's sad that you must go away
I wish there was a way for you to stay
The tears proceed to roll down my face at night
My heart terribly hurts..
I shouldn't have expected it to work..
But every time I thought of you my heart was filled with fright.. the thought of you leaving me would keep me up at night.
Maybe it wasn't always going to be you and I, or maybe we just weren't right.
However, every occurrence in life is inevitable...
So maybe I should just let us go.