Your attitude towards pop culture.* Just because I happen to enjoy things like pop music and those stupid little round chapsticks doesn't mean I deserve to be belittled by you.

2. Your inability to move on. Okay, so she didn't like you back. Alright, that really *****. I understand. It's not the end of the world, either, and shouldn't have hurt you quite nearly this much for this long.

3. You make everything about you. Maybe if you spent as much time trying to know me as you did talking about yourself we wouldn't be where we are.

4. You will lie to get what you want. Yeah, you ****** up. You brought up the major "L" word incredibly too soon. It's fine. You were drunk, and I got my space. But as soon as you edged near the concept again and I caught you, you immediately back-tracked and tried to make me think you were still what I wanted.

5. Your classic manipulative tendencies. I understand self-hate. I really do. But it's not okay to use your own self-hate as a tool to make me feel guilty.

6. You're immature. Sure, I don't claim to be absolutely perfect. I'm an eighteen year old girl, I have a long way to go. But after not talking to me for three days, isn't it a bit *young of you to delete me off of every single social networking you can think of off the top of your head? I understand a clean break, but you didn't even try to talk to me first and measure my feelings.

7. You're passive-aggressive. It's really cute how you would write negative and mean things about me where you know I would be able to see them. Really cute.

8. You didn't want to know me. I opened up to you. I truly did. I expressed many things to you that took a lot of time and work to be able to express to my therapist, a person who I literally pay to talk to about my problems. But, unfortunately, anything that didn't fit in the schema you shoved me into, you promptly forgot.

9. You never listened to me. I told you exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I was looking for. You told me you could do this, but as soon as you wanted something else, you fought tooth and nail for that instead, completely disregarding any feelings I may have had about it.

10. You're probably going to read this. Leave me alone. I pushed you away because of the reasons above, not because I'm pushing everyone away. Feeling lonely and writing about it doesn't mean I don't have close friends that I talk to and love very much. Which I suppose you'd know, if you bothered to know me.

Farver af liv har ødelagt mig
Jeg sidder midt i natten
Søger kærlighed,
og betaler i naivitet
Intet er som før
Det eneste tilbage er evigheden
Den evige længsel
Cigaretterne,
syntetiske
Som din kærlighed,
uægte
Men du elsker mig og jeg elsker dig,

syntetisk

*f.b

you're so pretty
did you know that?
your hair is soft
your eyes are soft
your skin is soft
your voice
your movement
your disposition
is soft

you're so pretty
i can't comprehend the fact
that you would ever want
to be like me

you're so pretty
it would be nice
to hold you a while
maybe watch a tv show
or a movie

you're so pretty
i really want to know you
inside out
your fears, your ambitions
your loves, your hates
you
all of you

every
last
detail

I stole glances at you as we walked
under the moon and grey clouds.

You smiled when I did,
and I like to think you were smiling when I wasn't looking too.

In my native language
The word "mahal" means
"Love" and "Expensive"
Somehow you've made the two
Synonymous

i don't want to date you
you're unemotional
walled off
if we were going to connect
we would have already

you don't put much effort
you don't respond to my messages
although i try to be there
a constant variable
for you

i understand that you don't mean it
to be a negative thing
it's just how you are
you see everything i send
and sometimes you mention them to me
whenever i make enough effort
to get you to see me

regardless of how understanding i can be
i don't want to keep you
i don't want to own you
i don't want you to be mine

i just want to feel your lips against my neck
and your nails dragging harshly across my skin

slowly walk into the bathroom
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
step onto the cold linoleum
the cold hurts your feet
slip your skin off
wash off the mask
you don't need it right now
kneel to the cabinet
under the sink
pull out the small square
put it on the floor
in front of your feet
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
one step forward
right foot to match
clenched fists, white knuckles, shut eyes
count to ten

the number blinks at you
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've GAINED
YOU'VE GAINED
the room becomes smaller
you drop to your knees
warm tears roll down your cheeks
move closer to the porcelain
both hands taking turns in your mouth
get it out
get it out
get it out
get it out
now

a deep breath, a sigh of relief, the sound of harsh running water
you won't eat tomorrow
you don't deserve it

A girl told me I have a front,
a face I put on.
She said she didn't know why,
but she imagine it's easier than wearing my own.

I asked her what she thinks my unmasked ((person?)) looks like.
She said she didn't know but she'd like to.

a boy was mean to me today
my mother gave me a hug
and told me it will be okay
they deserve each other anyway

i didn't fall asleep in math today
i swear to god it's a miracle
i'm not failing that class
though my efforts make me feel that way

one pill to take the edge off
one pill to calm me down
one pill to make me feel better
one pill to make me drown

to drown in the feelings of nothing
to make it easier to sleep
to keep away the dreams
the nightmares
the thoughts of you

please leave me be

i've never been good at sudoku
i erased all the numbers to start again
how i wish i could erase all of my feelings
that easily

my pencils have no erasers anymore
and i think that's ironic
and symbolic
for how many mistakes i make
on paper
in life
with you
with me

one pill to take the edge off
one pill to calm me down
one pill to make me feel better
one pill to make me drown

i begin to feel light
i begin to feel soft
i begin to feel bright
maybe i won't dream
maybe i will sleep
          through the night

please leave me be