slowly walk into the bathroom
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
step onto the cold linoleum
the cold hurts your feet
slip your skin off
wash off the mask
you don't need it right now
kneel to the cabinet
under the sink
pull out the small square
put it on the floor
in front of your feet
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
one step forward
right foot to match
clenched fists, white knuckles, shut eyes
count to ten

the number blinks at you
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've GAINED
YOU'VE GAINED
the room becomes smaller
you drop to your knees
warm tears roll down your cheeks
move closer to the porcelain
both hands taking turns in your mouth
get it out
get it out
get it out
get it out
now

a deep breath, a sigh of relief, the sound of harsh running water
you won't eat tomorrow
you don't deserve it

I spend a lot of time talking to myself
I guess I just have an awful lot to say

Do I look pretty? Cause I haven't been eating.
Let me back up, because I swear it wasn't intentional
it's just that it makes me angry
that I have to
and it makes me angry that you care
and it makes me angry that it makes me angry
because its all I ever wanted anyone to do.

I'm angry at school, and my friends, and my dad, sure.
but the worst of all is that I'm angry at myself

this one song plays in my head
but it's just one line repeating
again and
again
*I'll be hanging from a rope, and I will haunt you like a ghost

God, I hate drinking
but I love popping pills
I hate being in love
but I love the way you feel

My skin feels like fire
when I slice it left to right
but, ****, I feel so cold
whenever I see you cry

I took out my razor blades
And lined them up row
By row
By row
And I thought about how you said the freckles on my skin reminded you of the night time sky
You've heard how flies brains get rewired when they meet their mate?
How "sweet" it is that they can never love another.
Flies don't love. That's why that happens. It has to otherwise they would leave. There's no fake sense in staying and fulfilling an obligation. Lucky them.

I remember waking up very early the next morning,
maybe three hours after I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

I tiptoed through the house, careful not to wake anybody up,
even the guy who kept telling you to drink
even though you very kindly asked him to stop.

I'm not sure if you ended up drinking,
I forgot most of what happened that night,
but I remember shouting from the tire swing
that I loved you and that I loved you
and that I loved you.

I found where you were sleeping,
relieved to find no body next to yours,
and calmly placed a hand on your forehead.
You stirred, before gently grabbing my hand as it pulled away.

Eyes still closed,
you asked me how I felt.

I feel okay, nothing appears to be broken.

You said nothing and went back to sleep.
I said nothing and sat there for a long while.
I watched your chest rise and fall with each breathe,
and I loved you and I loved you and I loved you.

After a time I stepped outside to smoke a thought,
and the thought I smoked was not of you or of the night before
but of my mother.
She told me,
after I brought home my first date, two months into my freshmen year of high school,
that just because I desire somebody's love,
does not mean I deserve it.

I loved you and I loved you and I loved you
but I did not deserve your love.